u/Expert-Idea8423

Been with 2 vocal coaches and quite a lot of practice.

I can transcribe melodies on instruments, I can match pitch, I can identify intervals etc.
However, I cannot tell when I am singing out of tune (even in a recording)
It’s to the point where today I put a pitch shifter on my vocal (in Logic Pro) and shifted up 1 semitone, then 2 and a did a bunch more experimentation with the cents dial as well and my ears could not pick up on the fact that it was not in tune with the track anymore. I did the same thing with other tracks in the project like the guitar and I instantly knew.

I don’t understand what my problem is and hence I don’t understand how to solve it. I’m not tone deaf. This isn’t just about vocal coordination because I literally cannot hear it. I’ve been at it for years and my singing is the only thing that’s holding me back, I feel so defeated.

I’ve always been super anxious (especially socially) but as a child I was forced to go to school where I would have to face new people and social situations and that exposure I think kept my anxiety in check, I couldn’t wait to be done with it because I didn’t realize I kind of needed it.

Now, as an adult. I have a remote job and absolutely no reason to step out other than just “wanting” to which I never do because it gives me anxiety. I realize staying in and being isolated really makes me feel depressed so I’ve always said yes to plans the last few years but naturally with people moving around I’ve ended up in the position where for the first time in my life I have to take a lot of initiative. I’ve forced myself to do that and I ask some friends/acquaintances every now and then but I get shot down most of the time and it feels pretty bad.

My anxiety makes it so that I’m incapable of stepping out alone, literally only place I’m able to go alone is the gym and that also comes from forcing myself a lot. I have some hobbies and I’ve tried meetups for them but everyone else in those places is literally twice my age at least.

I’ve also been single this whole time and I’ve forced myself to go on a couple of dates only to get ghosted which I know is normal but I feel like I really exhaust myself for them because I know I need to do all the planning and face my anxiety and be 1:1 with a new person and I do all of that just to get ghosted and have my self esteem lowered every time, so I’ve kind of backed off from that too.

There’s just no momentum in my life, I’ve got this job I don’t like, almost no friends, no relationship (which I would rather have happen organically but feels like it’s not going to happen unless I really intently look). I have some hobbies but no friends with similar interests and I’m so bad at doing things alone that I just never do anything with them. The thought of just waking up, working, working out, waiting for Friday to come only to then feel worse when it actually comes because I realize how alone I am and how much my life is not the way I want it to be, in fact, I don’t even know what I want anymore. Nothing really brings me joy.

I’ve tried therapy and it did nothing for me, I feel reluctant to try medication because I’ve only seen that go wrong for most people. Another 40-50 years of this feels exhausting.