Trauma responses seeping into my job is genuinely ruining my life - what can I do?
Hi everyone - I'm going to try not to make this super long. I genuinely want whatever advice I can get. This particular issue has been ruining me lately and I'm not sure where to even start with it.
To start I am a huge people pleaser. Massive. I upgraded from a teacher's pet in childhood to a boss' pet in adulthood. I've been a yes-man for about 3 years and in the past year I've made some decent progress on it. I'm able to say no more often, I'm not overworking myself as much, etc. I was promoted to manager within my first year because of my tendency to self abandon and take on more than I should have been.
I'm ashamed to admit I have always wanted everyone to like me. Everybody. I have likened myself to a chameleon on several occasions. I don't do it as much anymore, but at points in my life I have just done whatever I felt the person with me would like, opposed to what I like. I would say things or agree with things I didn't even care about just to feel a sense of approval. It's always been about what everybody else wants and needs. I feel like I have no opinions when I'm with other people, I cannot think and I just roll with the crowd. I do not feel like a person most days.
Validation is the best possible thing to me. If I get recognition or praise for something, I'm on top of the world. When there is none at all, I'm so low I can barely even function. I feel genuinely worthless if I'm not constantly being told I'm doing a good job.
I've been doing some inner critic work, it has helped a little for the immediate thoughts that crop up that are negative - but the feeling is still there. Even if I can replace it with a positive thought, I still FEEL negatively about myself. I'm not sure how else to describe it. Like I don't need to think something negative or have a voice in my head berating me to feel crappy, ashamed, and down on myself when something happens. I guess the core belief is still there, that I am worthless if people don't like me, or I suck if not everyone likes me.
Work has become everything to me and I hate it. I hate it more because the only friends I have besides my roommate or online friends are friends at work. I feel like if I do something wrong at work or don't do something at all, I'm going to be ostracized or disliked or spoken badly about behind the scenes. I have been going through a lot lately and have had lazy days and sometimes I forget to do things. I'm doing the best I can but my best right now is not at all the same as what my best used to be. I am flat out burnt out.
My biggest problem I think is the thought or idea that people are talking about me behind my back or saying mean things about me or that they dislike me but just put up with me. It's being exacerbated by my burnout, and feeling like I'm not performing well. It does not help that I have been a sounding board for venting from my AGM for around 2 years, and the other managers to boot. Everybody complains to me. I'm inclined to believe they must be talking about me sometimes too.
My agm is blunt and harsh and can be a little rude. She's not usually to me. I try to be a good little yes-man and just do what I'm asked and get through the day. She is SUPER close, best friends almost, with another manager I am pretty good friends with. I feel like they must talk about me behind my back. I can't shake this feeling even though I also can't imagine why they would care so much about me, who is just one of many.
I think the work politics are just really getting to me. I feel this borderline paranoia almost that everyone is talking about me or hates me or doesnt like me anymore because I'm not as useful as I used to be. I was useful when we only had 2 managers, now we have 7 and that work realistically shouldn't all fall on me.
I have even been told in the past few months that I'm being considered for an AGM position. Our regional director praised me personally and said a job opportunity (promotion) might come up for me in a different city as well.
This all does nothing for me. I'm still just as paranoid, just as anxious, just as frantic. I feel like I NEED to know what everyone thinks about me. It feels like life or death. Like if someone thinks negatively about me, god forbid my boss or AGM, my life is being threatened. It feels insane and makes me feel crazy. I HAVE to know what people are thinking or saying about me. I know this stems from people pleasing, perfectionism, etc. I do also understand that realistically nobody gives as much of a damn about me as I think they do. Not in a bad way. Just that we're all grown adults with our own lives and stuff going on.
So here I am, on my day off of work, thinking about work for the millionth time this year. I'm mentally clocked in and I'm not even there. I sit and stew in my anxiety and feel sick all day from it instead of being able to find the energy to get up and actually enjoy my life. By the time I can find the energy to get up, it's nearly 6pm. Even later some days.
TLDR; people pleasing has ruined my life, I feel like my self worth and my survival hinges so much on what people think of me at work. And if they thought negatively of me, I feel like I would be ruined, like I would never bounce back, and like I am fundamentally worthless and horrible.
What steps can I take to fix this? My therapist wants to start CPT which I am excited for. The appointment isn't until a month from now but this has been actively ruining my mental health for a majority of this year. Has anyone else experienced something like this, and if so, how did you go about working on it? What worked for you? Any advice?
Thank you so much for reading. ❤️