I think my girlfriend is only interested in men
​
My girlfriend and I met at work. Before we got together, I had no idea she used to have something with a guy from the same department. What bothered me wasn't that she had a past, it was that I only found out after we were already talking and getting serious. The guy was even friendly with me, and they would occasionally have lunch together, so I never suspected anything. Looking back, it feels weird knowing I was the only one who didn't know.
As time went on, our relationship became pretty on and off. Whenever we were apart, she would end up talking to other guys. Later on, we got back together and we decided to move in together, and one day I found messages and video call logs with a guy she had been flirting with during one of our breakups. That really messed with my head. I forgave her because I loved her and wanted us to work, but I'd be lying if I said it didn't leave scars.
Things have actually been good lately. We live together now, and I stopped checking her phone because I wanted to trust her and respect her privacy. I thought we were finally in a good place.
Then recently, I saw a video on her phone. It was just a random guy sitting by himself, but the camera was clearly focused on him. When I asked her about it, she said she was recording the place and that the guy just happened to be in the frame. Maybe that's true, but honestly, after everything that's happened before, it's hard for me not to question it.
The thing is, the video itself isn't even the main issue. It's more like it brought back all the old feelings. Every time I think I've finally moved on from the past, something happens and all the doubts come rushing back. I'm tired of overthinking, tired of feeling insecure, and tired of wondering if I'm just being paranoid or if my feelings are actually valid.
I care about her, but I feel like a part of me has slowly checked out because of everything that's happened. She doesn't want to break up, but I don't know if I can keep ignoring how I feel. To make things harder, we live together and we're locked into an apartment contract, so it's not like I can just leave and clear my head.
What frustrates me the most is that whenever I open up about these things, she gets upset, and I end up being the one apologizing and comforting her. Sometimes it feels like there's no room for my feelings because I'm too busy trying to make sure she's okay. By the end of the conversation, the original issue is never really resolved, and I'm left carrying the same doubts and hurt all over again.