u/ExpertHaunting7443

I feel like I'm in trouble. I've had a very difficult week or two, and I'm feeling down and lost. I’m in my 30s, not where I wanted to be in life, and still figuring things out.

I went through a pretty traumatic breakup a few years ago that shattered a lot of my confidence and self-worth. Since then, I haven’t pursued relationships because of how badly it affected me. It has left me feeling undesirable, unattractive, and difficult to love, and I think it slowly pushed me into self-isolation over the last few years. I did take a look at dating apps briefly, but I wasn't ready. And I’d often find myself swiping left on people I was genuinely interested in because I convinced myself they’d never find me attractive or interesting anyway. I would have felt embarrassed if they matched me. My confidence is just shot.

My social life has regressed and is almost non-existent at this point, and I think that loneliness has slowly started affecting how I see my own worth as a person. I was seeking therapy, but sadly had to stop because I couldn’t afford to continue. It's something I would like to continue when I'm able to again.

I am trying to keep busy and better myself, but it's hard to stay consistent and motivated. Most of my energy has gone into content creation on YouTube in the last two years or so, trying to build something meaningful for myself, and it has been more successful than I ever expected. I’m proud of what I’ve achieved, but I struggle badly with imposter syndrome. Sometimes I feel like just tearing everything down. I often feel like I’m “behind” everyone else in life. I don't have a career, my own place etc. I just feel ashamed of myself.

A lot of my social interaction nowadays honestly comes solely through gaming. The older you get, the harder it is to meet people. When you're younger, you're thrown through so many mutual events with people, that you just naturally end up in the mix with all sorts of people: school, college, nights out etc. It is way harder to form connections in adult life, at least for me. Lately, I’ve realised how much I miss connection. Friendship. Feeling understood. Maybe even feeling wanted. I want more for myself. So much more. But I am struggling to motivate myself, because I don't feel like I deserve anything. I find myself struggling to even work on potentially exciting projects/plans I have for future videos. Sometimes I'll just sit in my PC chair for hours until it's time to go to bed. It's depressing, and I know I need change. How can I break out of this?

As the title suggests, any encouragement, good vibes and kind words would be hugely appreciated. Hopefully I've done all of this correctly. Thanks so much for reading.