I wished my ex-wife a happy birthday, and didn't add an insult
TL;DR - i wished my ex-wife a happy 40th birthday today, and for the first time in 2 years, I didn't add a nasty comment. I just said its good that the divorce court is over, and hopefully we can each find our own way in life.
Background:
I was with my ex-wife since high school (since we were both 17) - we'd supported each other through various highs and lows - supporting each other financially straight out of school, relocating interstate and I worked 2 jobs so she could study a PhD and Masters, she took on the primary care duties so i could start a business, and also some space for me to follow my passion of travel writing and 4WD'ing/touring (the writing wasn't paid, but for fun - even letting me go away for a night 2 weeks after our first born). We've gone through miscarriages, medical issues ... the works. Was I the best husband... nope! I worked too hard to try and support the family (and both of our spending habits - she is a hoarder)
Our business always had pressures (and in hindsight, I should've never left my secure but soul crushing Government job - where politics determined whether you got promoted, not the fact that my numbers were 4 times better than the nearest other candidate - my office was seen where you went to retire as the good work was in other cities).
When our business started REALLY suffering, she left me - I had a feeling why the business was struggling (my business partner) and it wasn't until after we separated and i tried to get a valuation done, but there were too many discrepancies.
Long story short - my business partner had every intention to use me and wipe me out financially (forged documents, refinancing loans into my name, and the kicker - got a family member to set up a new business and stole 70% of our clients; whilst leaving me with a bucket of employees and their entitlements, $1.5m of debt, and not a care in the world). I've dealt with him, and he will be eating porridge for a while (not only did he cost me my entire career and sent me into bankruptcy, he defrauded the Government for about $5m in taxes between him and his wife - i used to be a tax investigator, so I pulled his books apart after I filed for bankruptcy... might as well do something - and sent off 3 care packages: one to the tax department, one to the federal police department and one to the tax registration board to dob in him and his niece). I also found out he was involved in money laundering and most likely had been the accountant in a $500m drug importation racket (something i unaware of as it was before my time - but it put him on the radar for the police). he used my divorce to cover his tracks knowing i was distracted, and brought his plan forward.. i caught him out... and so started court...
What was strange was every time i was in court, trying to save my career or our finances or our business, my ex-wife would hit me with a filing request (which had to be responded to with 14 days) and affidavits full of lies requiring me to spend nights putting together rebuttals. After the 3rd one, I started a sneaky suspicion that these were more than coincidences... so I had IT pull apart our old email server, and found out my ex-wife was communicating with my business partner in a friendly way - the same day she filed a false complaint to my registration board to get me suspended.
During the last 2 years my ex- has played dirty: getting me fired, forcing me into bankruptcy (she wouldn't sign the restructure documents until it was too late), spent $80k in legal fees to stop me being able to settle the liquidator for $10k and having $130k of debt wiped by the liquidator (she admitted to the liquidator on a phone call that "its not about the money, but making sure OP has more debt"). SHe has withheld the children through false accusations of drug use (so i now have to get hair follicle tests done every 3 months) and when I had a heart attack from all the stress at 38yo and i asked if she could look after the kids, she replied "sure, but make sure i'm not your in case of emergency contact"...
my crime prior to divorce in all of this was that I pulled her up on her spending and hoarding tactics and cut her off financially from spending too much. I started looking after myself (i had bariatric surgery, lost 75kgs, started running, rebuilt my time with my kids by taking them camping... she hated that; and my new look made her jealous of the attention i started receiving... one of the single mum's literally 3.5 weeks after our separation hit me up)... because she hated the surgery and weight loss, she shared my medical files between her Government work friends, so much so, that people in other departments sent me pictures of what they were saying about me and my 'obsession' and that my ex-'s parents paid for my surgery to keep me in the marriage (not true, my insurer did).
So now my business is bankrupt, hardly see my kids (my eldest always wanted me to go into surgery with her as we were tight... she can't understand why they can't see me even in school holidays), and forced her into settlement in court (i basically said take everything, including my retirement savings... i'm only 40 so i can rebuild). it got so crazy with the accusations, my lawyer said either drop it now or she's going to file a false domestic violence claim - so i did about 4 weeks ago. driving to court on day 3 of the trial, i went this is just madness - so i walked in, offered to the judge to settle all financail claims, withdraw my parenting application, and move on with my life - inflicting maximum emotional damage to my ex (I told the judge "if a king's ransom needs to be paid so that I can get away from this 'thing' i trusted for 20 years and have peace and happiness, then I will gladly pay it twice" the judge raised an eyebrow but she let me have it as she too later admonished my ex's and her solicitor's conduct and the solicitor now has a formal referral for review of her work by the Court).
Its been hard, but the last 4 weeks i've had weekly psychcologist sessions to deal with giving up the parenting side and other stress, and my depression is being treated by a psychiatrist... I've been extremely angry at my ex, so much so that its blinded the big picture - which is that I'm free, i'm working again, and my kids weren't dragged through the court system for the next 2 years. Financially they're more secure with their mother (her parents are millionaires and are literally writing her blank checks so my kids get to go horse riding and get gifts on the way back from handover... and yet they still want to come back to me and spend more time with me in my crappy apartment).
And while my ex- ruined my 40th (we had dinner plans with the kids, but a few hours before my ex- texted me that they were suddenly unavailable and no time could be rescheduled for at least a week), i let her have her 40th last night (which her parents paid for) and mother's day today - and wished her a happy birthday, without anger.
She can call me monster and live in a fantasy world of lies, but that doesn't mean I have to be like her - she can't take that away from me. The side benefit is its also to show my girls when they grow up, i never went down to their mother's level. It will eat at my ex- that even after all she put me through, I will still think of her on her birthday and i made sure the kids got her a birthday and mother's day present last weekend when they were with me (and i remembered her favourite character from star wars was grogu).
With my new found freedom from this headache - divorce wrapped up 2 weeks ago, my liquidation wraps up (with no finding against me) in 6 weeks, my staff had all their entitlements paid and new employment, and i'm looking forward to getting back on my feet... i can see a future and that makes me more happier then when I was married (I was miserable last 3-4 years of our marriage).