Been feeling this way since i was 11 and i think its getting worse
Hi im 19F and i guess i wanted to share about how depression has been taking over my life for 8 years. Its not really something dramatic to me..its just who i am at this point.
It started at 11 when i got sexually assaulted by my neighbour and my parents didnt really believe me. To 12 where i started sexualising myself online and couldnt stop crying when my parents found out. To 13..where i got bullied about how i looked in middle school. At this point i was constantly sad, i couldnt get out of bed but i had to move on cause no one would really come to save me.
I was mildly okay at 14, nothing that tragic happened but i was still trying to heal from those things. At 15 i got into an abusive relationship with an older guy. He cheated on me, blackmailed me, threatened me, verbally abused me and isolated me from everyone. At 16 i got out of it..extremely damaged. At that point i was just tired and suicidal. I begged my parents for a therapist but they said that i seemed fine.
At 18 i got into an online relationship with a guy from a nationality my parents didnt approve. Everything was going fine until my mom found out that night, she beat me, kicked me out and made me break up with him. Most horrifying night of my life. Now im 19, still unhealed from everything..im trying to seek out therapy but its hard without enough money. I can get out of bed and function normally until i get hit with an episode. My suicidal thoughts are more casual now but theyre always there, no matter what happens. Yet no one ever seems to pick up how miserable i truly am so i guess i have gotten to the point of concealing it well.
Im talking to a new guy and im deathly afraid of messing it up due to how i am. Somehow ive always know i might die at 20 and now thats its nearing closer i guess im wondering if theres a way to ever heal from this.