u/Extension-Vanilla685

if you are genuinely interested then hmu. i am an indian. ( i am fluent with english and hindi )

its been a while since i’ve genuinely felt okay.
lately all i do is binge watch shows and movies just so i don’t have to sit alone with my own thoughts. but the second everything stops and reality hits again, i feel nothing. no spark, no motivation, no excitement towards life. just emptiness.
and the weird part is i do have friends. people around me. but i still feel this deep loneliness that doesn’t leave. like i’m constantly craving a sense of belonging somewhere. maybe to someone.
this post isn’t even me begging to find love or someone. i think i’m just trying to put my naked thoughts somewhere because my head feels too loud tonight.
i think what hurts the most is wanting someone who sees all my ugliness, my overthinking, my emotional mess, my attachment issues, all the parts of me i try to hide and still stays. someone loyal. someone who doesn’t slowly disappear once they fully know me.
i’ve loved very deeply in every relationship i’ve been in. i was always the person trying till the end, hoping till the end, loving till the end. and now i think all of it has left this weird impact on me where i genuinely don’t know if love the kind i dream of will ever exist for me. if someone will ever yearn for me
because i don’t even want to chase it anymore, but somehow i still crave it. i still catch myself wanting to be loved, understood, chosen. and i hate how easily i fall for people. i hate it so much because it always ends up hurting me.
i feel confused, lost, emotionally tired. i can literally see myself wasting my potential in real time and i still can’t get myself to move. mentally, emotionally, physically i’m exhausted.
idk. maybe this is just another 1 am breakdown. maybe tomorrow i’ll act normal again. but right now i genuinely feel like no one really sees me
and i don’t even know what the purpose of my life is anymore.
i sometimes feel like everyone and everything has become the same. same personalities, same trends, same ways of talking, same social media brain, same everything
idk if i’m even making sense and honestly don’t even try connecting the dots because i can’t fully explain it either. it just overwhelms me. people overwhelm me. the world overwhelms me. social media overwhelms me.
sometimes it makes me feel like such an outcast. like maybe i don’t belong anywhere properly. and the worst part is i let myself feel it deeply. anxiety is always there in the background no matter what i’m doing.
and i’m tired. genuinely tired.
sometimes i’m even tired of talking to chatgpt about my feelings because at one point you just want a real person. someone who listens because they want to, not because they’re programmed to.
i have insecurities i don’t even know how to explain. attachment issues. fear of not being enough. fear of being “too much.” fear that maybe nobody will ever fully understand me the way i desperately want to be understood.fear that in the end i will be the one who gets abandoned
i miss feeling alive. i miss feeling connected to life instead of just existing through the days waiting for distractions to save me from my own head.
maybe i’m just emotionally exhausted. maybe i’ve been carrying too much for too long.
idk anymore.