u/Extension_Cricket485

So in short, I touched myself for about 2-3 minutes with the covers over me and the lights off around the middle of the night at a sleepover with my younger cousin who’s 4 years younger than me at 15, and no we weren’t on the same bed and we weren’t even sleeping faced on the same side. I’ve been in cocsa re-enactment subreddit and the say it wasn’t cocsa but I genuinely feel like it is and it might be my ocd but I keep telling myself I’m a groomer or a pedophile even tho I wasn’t touching myself to her or even thinking about her at all during that time. I come on the app to confess like the answers will change and I hope one day someone will tell me that it was so I can just leave the earth in peace. Like yes it’s bad if she noticed but why would it make it okay because she didn’t? I didn’t understand what I did was wrong until I grew older but that still doesn’t make it right. I’ve been in this spiral for about 7 months now and nothing anyone says will make it go away. So yea, that’s my confession.

DONTTT even know if I can call it that anymore. For the past 2 months I’ve been feeling things down there when I don’t want to. I used to be into true crime and it started there then it’d be when I’m out with family or my younger cousins, school, work?? like genuinely nothing was sexual at all but it would stay there until I got home. I understand that I dislike this feeling and that I would never find any of these things sexually appealing in the slightest but when it goes on for hours and I can’t stop it, it gets exhausting. I’ve tested myself (yes it’s bad) to see if I could differentiate this “attraction” and what I really find sexually appealing and it worked so I’m not worried about secretly being a bad person because I’ve already spent 3 entire years with the intrusive thoughts and now everything’s just moving to the groinal area. I won’t lie and say the thoughts don’t pop up often but I know it’s not what I really like so I just think about something else and move on with my day. However, this is REALLY getting exhausting and it’s so much more embarrassing to speak to a therapist about it. Anyways, that’s all I have to say, good day stranger

I feel absolutely hopeless and utterly exhausted. For the past few days I’ve been freaking out more and more and I’ve come to the realization that maybe things won’t get better. My cousin is missing and I’m worried all day and night and i feel guilty that I was worried about how I’d respond to it than the actual news even tho I know I care and love for her so much but uhghhhhhh my god I’ve also been going down a rabbit hole about morality and how every human is a monster and myself included but then it goes from me thinking I’m the worst and comparing it to others and maybe I am a bad person but so is everyone else then I think about my friends past actions and how they view things and judge LIKE I ACTUALLY DONTTT CARE but it’s invading my mind and I’m freaking out about potential consequences for whatever I did and I have no idea what’s real or not AHHHHH whatever, and I’m still doubting I have ocd but at the same time maybe I don’t and im just CRAZY!!! ok that’s fine

I’ve actually been quite good these past few days about pocd and not caring about the thoughts and moving on with my day but I started to feel.. a little too comfortable? Theres this show I enjoy and the main characters young but I didn’t really care and nor did I have any thoughts so I thought it was okay. There’s this older couple I enjoy and I engage in media of the older characters like fanart and fanfics only but I was thinking that maybe I’m faking my ocd symptoms since I’m not diagnosed yet and if I actually don’t have it then maybe the thoughts I had about my family/animal/children were real? I know it’s insane to even think that way because I’d never want to do anything regarding the sorts and I’d never look at them romantically or sexually but I’ve been having like a groinal response that lasts like ALL day and it’s not even because I have those thoughts of images anymore like it’s just the response down there. I am genuinely terrified and I went down the Reddit loophole of pocd and non offending pedophiles (???) like I get I’m not supposed to look for reassurance but this is soooo fricken scary and i have no idea what to do. My old advice was to sleep before these spirals happen but it came like two hours early and i feel utterly hopeless. I understand my body in a way that what I feel sexual attraction to be as in i want to masturbate and how these groinal responses feel but when I love or shift my body it sort of twitches and feels like an orgasm but I don’t want it?? With the fear and thought I’m faking everything and the way this feeling down there is getting worse, I genuinely have no hope in ever telling anyone what’s going on in my life. How do I tell my friends who have younger siblings and cousins that I had thoughts I didn’t want? I feel so gross and angry about this because I thought I knew how to help myself just for it all to come crashing down.

Does anyone else have like a specific song or two that you can’t listen to? Theres a song that has the lyrics “I wonder what clothes you wear to school” and it’s only that part on loop for an entire day or three or else there’s “my daddy’s got a gun” like anything violent or something like the first one always make me feel icky and gross and I’m always trying to push the lyrics out but it’s so embarrassing lol especially since they’re popular on tiktok💔

Did anyone else think they were asexual because of the ocd themes they had? Im a lesbian and thought I was asexual because of my horrid pocd and iocd and was TERRIBLY afraid of intimacy! Im older now and realize thats not the case, its crazy how ocd can make you overthink stuff so much haha

I’ll just get right into it, Im afraid that if I accept that I had these thoughts then I’ll have to tell the entire world I had sick images/thoughts/groinal response to things no one should have. I’ve had IOCD, POCD, Animal? Ocd (zocd?), morality ocd, real event ocd, and the theme that’s sticking out right now is like Im always afraid the cia is watching my everyone move and if I’m outside they’ll arrest me and show everyone my Reddit/tiktok saves about ocd and if I admit that I have these thoughts they’ll come to find me😭 I’m also afraid of what my friends will think because I love them so much and I trust them but I feel so nauseous whenever I speculate on it because what if they find out what pocd is and think I’m just a pedophile which I’m not. Im also afraid of accepting because it’d be me admitting that I really did have those thoughts and I’m a monster who doesn’t deserve to live. If I go to therapy and they expect me to think of these thoughts/groinal responses as “normal” or I should just shrug it off makes me incredibly uncomfortable because how could I ever think what I think is a normal thought. Usually I spiral around after midnight but I’m an insomniac so it doesn’t get much better. Anyways, thank you for reading, hope all is well to whomevers reading this