u/External_Structure33

The new base commander is making his first inspection when he sees a soldier guarding a bench by the mess hall. The commander marches over.

"Soldier!" he barks. Why are you guarding this bench?"

The soldier salutes the new base commander. "Sir, I don’t know, sir!" he answers. "The previous commander had ordered the bench to be guarded, so we guard it, sir! Following orders, sir! I think it’s base tradition, sir!"

The base commander goes back to his headquarters and calls up the previous base commander. He asks why he has a soldier guarding this particular bench by the mess hall.

"The previous commander always had a guard at that bench. So I kept that tradition."

The new base commander finds three previous commanders, and they all give him the same answer. Finally, he reaches the original base commander, who is now a 99 year old retired general, a veteran of World War II.

"I’m now the commanding officer of the little base that you originally commanded 72 years ago. I found a men guarding a bench outside of the mess hall. Can you tell me something about this bench?"

"What?" the old general says. "Is the paint still wet??!!"

It’s a busy day at the health clinic during the Christmas break from college.

A 20 year old woman comes in. "I have this rash … " she says to the doctor, somewhat embarrassed.

"Let’s see the rash," the doctor says.

She takes off her shirt and shows the doctor that she had a rash in the shape of the letter "T" on her chest."

"Do you have a boyfriend that goes to the University of Texas?" the doctor asks.

"Yes, I do," the young woman says.

"When you have sex with him, does he wear his college sweater?"

"Yes, he does!" the young woman exclaims.

"All you have to do is have him take off his sweater before you have sex. The rash will go away on its own."

"Thank you, doctor."

Another 20 year old woman comes in. "I have this rash …" she says to the doctor, somewhat embarrassed.

"Let’s see the rash," the doctor says.

She takes off her shirt and shows the doctor that she had a rash in the shape of the letter "A" on her chest."

"Do you have a boyfriend that goes to the University of Arizona?" the doctor asks.

"Yes, I do," the young woman says.

"When you have sex with him, does he wear his college sweater?"

"Yes, he does!" the young woman exclaims.

"All you have to do is have him take off his sweater before you have sex. The rash will go away on its own."

"Thank you, doctor."

Another 20 year old woman comes in. "I have this rash …" she says to the doctor, somewhat embarrassed.

"Let’s see the rash," the doctor says.

She takes off her shirt and shows the doctor that she had a rash in the shape of the letter "W" on her chest."

"Do you have a boyfriend that goes to the University of Wisconsin?" the doctor asks.

"No," the young woman says. "But I have a girlfriend that goes to the University of Minnesota.

A middle aged man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror.

"You know," he says, "your birthday is coming up. What would you like?"

His wife sighs. "I'd like to be twelve again," she replied, still looking in the mirror.

So on the morning of her birthday, the husband wakes up early. He makes his wife a nice big bowl of Cocoa Puffs, and then takes her to a theme park. What a day! He puts her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Corkscrew, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster — everything !! Five hours later they stagger out of the theme park. Her head is reeling and her stomach feels upside down.

He then takes a diner where he orders her a half pound cheeseburger with bacon, extra fries, and an extra large milkshake. Then it’s off to the movies with popcorn, a huge Coca Cola, and her favorite candies ... M&M's, Nonpareils and Gushers. What a long night and a fabulous adventure!

They finally wobble home and collapse into bed, exhausted. Her husband leans over her with a big smile. "Well, dear," he lovingly asks, "what was it like being twelve again?"

The wife slowly opens her eyes. All of a sudden, her expression changes. "Twelve?? I meant my dress size, you idiot!"

A circus owner runs a wanted ad for a lion tamer. Two people show up to apply. One is an old man in his 80s who walks with cane. The other is a beautiful woman in her 20s with a drop-dead gorgeous body.

"I'm not going to sugar coat it," the circus owner says. "This is one ferocious lion. He ate the last lion tamer that I had, so you two had better be good or you're history. Here's a chair and a whip. Who wants to try out first?"

The gorgeous woman says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, doesn’t bother to pick up the whip, and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion gets all heated up, starts to snarl and pant, and begins to charge her.

As the lion gets close, the woman throws open her coat, revealing her beautiful, perfect naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her, and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss every inch of her body for several minutes, then lays down with his head on her crotch and one of his paws on her left breast. The circus owner's jaw is on the floor!!

"That's amazing!" he says. "I've never seen anything like that in my life!"

Then he turns to the old man and asks, "Can you top that?"

"Maybe," the old man says. "But first you gotta get rid of the lion."

Two guys meet for lunch every Monday at a diner.

First guy: "What’s new?"

Second guy: "Yesterday, I had the most amazing sexual experience of my life."

First guy: "Really? I need to hear the details."

Second guy: "I went to this brothel down by the waterfront and ask for a blowjob. This hooker they give to me puts a bagel on my dick."

"And then?"

“Then she puts some smoked fish on the bagel."

"And then?”

"Then she puts some sliced onions on top of the smoked fish."

"And then?"

"Then she slowly spreads some cream cheese all over the bagel and my dick.”

"And then?”

"Then over the next twenty minutes she proceeds to eat it. I tell you, it was amazing. Best sexual pleasure I’ve ever had."

"I gotta try this."

"Go down to the brothel by the river. They’ll set you up.”

The next Monday the two guys meet back at the deli.

"So, how’d it go?"

"I’m not so sure."

"What do you mean?"

"I went down to the brothel, and sure enough they give me a hooker who puts a bagel on my dick."

"And then?"

"Then she puts some smoked fish on the bagel.”

"And then?"

"Then she puts some sliced onions on top of the smoked fish."

"And then?"

“Then she slowly spreads some cream cheese all over the bagel and my dick."

"And then?"

"Then? It looked so damn good I ate it myself.”

This guy in his 50s goes to the doctor.

"What’s your daily activity level like?" the doctor asks.

"Why do you ask?"

"Well, a guy your age, probably not eating all that healthy, probably not getting that much exercise…"

The guy shrugs. "Yesterday afternoon, I waded along the edge of a lake and outran a wild dog in the heavy brush."

"Well, that sounds pretty good," the doctor comments.

"That’s nothing," the guy says. "The day before, I marched up and down several hills and outran a couple of bears."

"That sounds really impressive."

"And last weekend, I crawled out of quicksand, stood in a patch of poison ivy, and knocked down a small tree.”

"Well," the doctor says, "it sounds like you’re one hell of an outdoorsman!"

"Nah," the guy replies, "I'm just real lousy at golf."

The IRS (Internal Revenue Service, they collect taxes in the U.S.) sends an agent out to investigate a small business because they suspect that the owner is not paying proper wages to his employees.
 
The tax agent walks in to the place of business and approaches the owner. "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them."
 
"A list?" the owner asks. "There's no list. There’s only three people here in the whole place. What do you want to know?"

"I need to know how much everyone gets paid. Why don’t you start with the guy behind the counter?"

"Him? He’s been here for about 3 years. He makes about $280 a week plus free room and board."

"OK," the agent says. "That checks out." Who else works here?"

"See that young girl there?" The owner points to a young woman behind the cash register. "She’s only part time, 25 hours a week. She takes home about $175, plus she gets about another $50 in products to take home."

"Well, I guess that checks out," the tax agent says. "Who else works here?"
 
"Well ..."

"Well, what?" the agent asks.

"Well, there's this other worker, I think he's a bit … well, to put it nicely, he’s mentally challenged."

"Go on."

The owner lowers his voice. "He works about 17 or 18 hours a day, including Sundays. He does about 80% of all the work around here, including all the heavy lifting. But..." the owner pauses.

"But what?" the tax agent asks.

"He only clears about $65 a week on a good week. He pays his own room and board. Every Friday night he gets drunk on cheap beer. It helps him cope, y’know. And he also ... "

"He also what?" the tax agent asks impatiently.

"He also has sex with my wife, probably about once every month or so."
 
"That's the guy I want to see," the government agent says. "This mentally challenged guy."
 
"Well," says the owner. "You’re talking to him."

Two friends are eating lunch together.

"Did you hear the news?"

"What news?"

"They threw old man Franklin out of the country club."

"Old man Franklin ? He’s gotta be, what, like 98 years old. Such a nice guy. Why would they throw him out of the country club?"

"They threw him out for peeing in the swimming pool."

"For that? C’mon, all the old guys probably do that at one time or another."

"Yeah, but not from the diving board."

An older woman decides to go back into the work force. She gets a job as a substitute teacher.

On her first day, the principal decides to give her an easy assignment — she is sent out to watch the kids during recess.

After a while, she notices a boy at the end of the field standing alone, while all the other kids are running around having fun kicking a ball.

She feels sorry for him and decides to go over and talk to him. "Are you OK?" she asks.

"Sure, I’m fine," the boy says.

"You can go and play with the other kids, you know," she says.

"I think it's better if I stay here," the boy says.

"No, you should go play with the other boys."

"I think it's better if I stay here," he repeats.

"You should go play with the other boys."

"I’m going to stay right here."

"Why?" asks the teacher.

The boy stares at her. "Because I'm the goalie."

An elderly man in a nursing home has just gotten married to his elderly girlfriend down the hall. They are spending their first night together. 

The elderly newlywed husband looks over from the bathroom doorway and watches his new elderly wife get ready for bed. 

She takes off her wig and puts it on one of those styrofoam head thingies. 

She then takes out her hearing aids and puts them in a holder on the nightstand. 

She pops out a glass eye and puts it in a jar on the nightstand. 

She takes out her dentures and puts them in a glass on the nightstand. 

She reaches under her blouse, takes out a pair of falsies, and tosses them on the bed. 

She reaches down to her right foot, pulls off an oversized orthopedic shoe, and tosses it by the side of the bed. 

She reaches to the left side, unscrews her leg prosthesis, and tosses it towards the foot of the bed. 

Just then, she notices her husband at the bathroom door, who has been watching this ritual with amazement. 

"What do you want?" she asks, eying him suspiciously (with her good eye).

"You know what I want," he says. "Just toss it over here." 

This guy goes out golfing every Sunday morning. His wife has been nagging him for months to go with him . She’s getting pretty annoying, so he finally gives in and takes her to the golf course.

"What do I do? What do I do?" she asks as they walk up to the first tee. 

The husband rolls his eyes, thinking that it’s going to be a long day. "See that over there?" he says, pointing. "Those are the ladies tees. Go over there, turn around, and watch what I do."

She goes to the ladies tees and turns around. The guy puts his ball down on his tee and takes a big swing. SMACK !!The ball hits his wife in the forehead, killing her instantly.

Naturally, the authorities come to investigate.

After a short while, the lead investigator comes over to the husband.

"There’s an imprint that says 'Titleist 1' on your wife’s forehead."

"Well, yeah," the guy says. "That’s from the ball that I hit."

"I understand that," says the investigator. "But what I don’t understand is that there is another imprint that also says 'Titleist 1' one on your wife’s shoulder."

"Oh," the guy says. "That was my practice shot."

"Doc, you gotta help me," the patient says.

"What seems to be the problem?" the doctor asks.

"One of my balls is turning blue."

The doctor examines him. Sure enough, the right nut is blue.

"We will have to amputate it," the doctor tells him.

"Are you crazy?" the patient says.

"This is a life and death matter. It’s the only way to fix this. And it’s perfectly fine to get by with one testicle."

So the guy goes in for the operation. He has his right nut removed. He goes back to see the doctor one week later. "Doc," he says, "now my left ball is blue."

The doctor examines him. Sure enough, now the left nut is blue.

"We will have to amputate it," the doctor tells him.

"Are you crazy?" the patient says.

"This is a life and death matter. It’s the only way to fix this. You won’t be able to have kids, but it’s perfectly fine to get by without testicles."

So the guy goes in for the operation. This time, he has his left nut removed. He goes back to see the doctor one week later. "Doc," he says, "now my dick is blue."

The doctor examines him. Sure enough, the man’s penis is blue.

"We will have to amputate it," the doctor tells him.

"Are you crazy?" the patient says.

"This is a life and death matter. It’s the only way to fix this."

"How will I pee?" the guy asks.

"With modern medicine, we will implant a catheter attached to a tube and you will be able to pee through that. Entirely normal."

So the guy goes in for the operation. This time, he has his penis removed, and the catheter with the tube is put in.

He goes back to see the doctor one week later. "Doc," he says, "I’m really confused now. The catheter and tube that you put in is blue."

The doctor examines him closely. Sure enough, now the catheter and tube are blue.

"You know," the doctor says. "you really should pre-wash your jeans."

The assistant at a funeral home walks into the director’s office.

"Boss," he says, "there is a problem with Mrs. Jones‘s body in the back room."

"What’s the problem?"

“There’s a shrimp sticking out of her vagina."

"Excuse me?" The director asks incredulously.

"There’s a shrimp sticking out of her vagina."

The director takes off his glasses, puts them down on his desk, and runs his fingers through his hair. "I’ve been in this business for 30 years," he says, "and I’ve never seen or heard anything like this. Show me."

The assistant takes him into the back room. He pulls back the sheet that is covering Mrs. Jones’s body.

"Look," he says.

The funeral director bends down and looks. He looks closer. And even closer.

All of a sudden, he stands back. "You IDIOT!!" he says to the assistant, "That’s not a shrimp, that’s her CLITORIS!!"

"Well," the assistant says, "it tasted like shrimp."

Four guys are sitting at a table in a restaurant. It’s a bit after the lunch hour, so it’s relatively empty. A well-dressed woman a couple of tables away is listening to their conversation.

She hears the first guy say, "I think it’s spelled exactly the way it sounds. So, W O O M. "

The woman is a bit surprised at this.

The second guy says, "No, there’s a B sound at the end. It’s W O O M B. "

The woman rolls her eyes.

The third guy says, "I think you’re both wrong. It’s V O O M B . "

The woman can hardly believe her ears.

The fourth guy says, "You’re all nuts. It’s W H O O M. "

The well-dressed woman can’t take it any longer. She marches over to them and says, "For your information, it’s womb. W. O. M. B. " And she returns to her table.

The guys look at each other, a little embarrassed and confused. After a few seconds, one of them asks in a low voice, “Do you think she could be right?"

"Nah," another guy replies. "Look at her. She’s probably never even heard an elephant fart before."

So there’s this woman that’s feeling really depressed, so she decides to end it all.

She walks down to the end of a pier and is about to jump in the ocean, when a sailor sees her.

"Hey, what are you doing?" the sailor calls out.

"I have nothing to live for," the woman says. "I’m going to jump in the ocean and drown myself."

"Wait, wait, wait!" the sailor exclaims. "I can’t let you do that. Have you ever been to Paris?"

"No," the woman replies.

"Listen, we’re leaving tonight. I’ll take you to Paris and take you around, show you a good time. When we come back, you can do what you want, but maybe you’ll enjoy the next few weeks. Come with me to Paris, you have nothing to lose."

The woman thinks for a minute. "OK, but what’s in it for you?"

"Well, if I’m going to sneak you this boat, you gotta put out for me. I’ll hide you on one of the lifeboats, I’ll bring you three meals a day, and every night we have wild sex."

The woman figures that she has nothing to lose, so she agrees to go to Paris in exchange for nightly sex.

After about 2 weeks, the captain discovers the woman stowed away under the tarp in one of the lifeboats.

"What are you doing here?" the captain asks.

"Well, one of your crew is hiding me here to bring me to Paris. And exchange . . . well . . . he’s been fucking me."

"He’s been fucking you? He sure has. This is the Staten Island Ferry."

The secretary for the psychiatric ward gives the paperwork for the new patient to the psychiatrist. "This one’s a real doozy. He thinks he’s Lord Byron."

"Don’t we already have a patient upstairs who thinks he’s Lord Byron?" the psychiatrist asks.

"As a matter of fact, we do," the secretary replies.

"Well, this is wonderful news," the psychiatrist says. "We have a chance to actually cure one of these patients. After all, there was only one Lord Byron, and surely they realize this. We’ll put them in a room together overnight and have them sort out the situation. Once they realize that only one of them can be Lord Byron, the other one will be cured."

The two delusional patients are put in a room together overnight.

The next morning, the psychiatrist pulls out one of the patients for a therapy session.

"So, do you still think that you’re Lord Byron?" the psychiatrist asks.

"No, not anymore," the patient replies.

"So, who do you think you are?" the psychiatrist asks.

"Lady Byron."

when the town was threatened with swarms of flying insects?

They deployed the swat team.