I need support
Hello, I never thought I’d be writing here but unfortunately I am.
I 19(FTM) have been in a relationship with 18(F) for 2 years. It has been the most abusive relationship of my life and I am stuck in a cycle.
There is so much stories to tell but I quite honestly don’t remember details. My brain blurred it out because they were so traumatic. So I’ll just start with our current situations.
She still lives with her father and he is very abusive. He is an alcoholic, unemployed, and miserable. 2 weeks ago, they had a massive argument where he ended up trashing the house and destroying everything. Cops got called. She packed her bags and got in a train to where I am (2 hours away from her). I live in college dorms right now and she has been with me for 2 weeks now.
One part that makes this relationship so hard to leave is that I want to be there for her. Her mom is an addict and abandoned her and her sister. She was put in foster care until her father got his shit together and got custody. He’s an awful father to her. She is desperately job searching so she can save out to get out but she hasn’t heard back from anyone.
I know there is no reason to excuse what she does but I just want to believe she’s a good person.
Now onto the abuse. She’s been here for 2 weeks now and things have been okay the first week. No conflicts at all until today. She is stressed about going home because her father has been calling and asking when she’ll be home. She tells him she is at a friend’s house because her father thought we broke up a while ago (ended up back together the same day but we had a huge argument and her father was there).
I suggested the idea that since it was her last few days we should go on walks, play board games, cook together, anything other than being in my room. Because for the majority of her time here, she’s been in my room and rarely goes out. She got really frustrated with me because I was asking to do so much and it lead to an argument and she escalated it by beating me.
She pulled my hair, strangled me, threw me onto the ground and when I was on the ground she stomped on the middle of my spine 3 hard times and I legitimately couldn’t breathe for a good minute. I was panicking, begging for her to stop. I don’t fight back, I just try to shove her away or calm her down but she threw me in the closet and locked me in it and turned off the light which was outside the closet so I was in pitch black for an hour. At first I was crying, begging, trying to escape. When I realized she wasn’t going to let me out for a while I just…sat in the corner staring into darkness.
What made it worse is that before she told me how one of her foster parents would lock her in the basement for hours and how traumatized it made her. So then why would she do that to me? Why would she do that to someone she loves? Do I deserve this? And the reason why I think I deserve it is because I have not been perfect either. I have been broken up with because I was overly attached and possessive. So I think this is my punishment for everyone I’ve hurt in the past.
I want to leave.
I want to be free of this cycle.
But I love her.
I want to make sure she’s safe and loved.
She has isolated me from all my friends. If she found out I was talking to anyone other than her and my parents she would beat me. If I hanged out with friends she would spam me the entire time and break up with me over text and when it was over she begged me to come to her house so we can talk this out but it was a trap. She ended up getting in my car and beating the living hell out of me.
This Valentine’s Day she gave me a bloody nose over something I can’t remember. I told myself that was the last straw. But here I am.
What scared me most about this time is that she strangled me. She had the scariest eyes. They were so angry it was like she wanted to kill me then and there. I can’t believe she would do that. It left a bruise on my neck and this is my last straw.
I told her that we’re done. She started sobbing and asking if I was serious and I said yes. Once it kicked in I saw that same murderous eyes on her and she started to beat me and she kicked me out of my own room. Now I’m in a bathroom writing this sobbing and sitting in the corner. I’m scared for my life and I still have to drop her off to the train station tomorrow morning.
I know this is a lot and seems like a ramble but I need support. I have no friends. I had to hide them on my phone (which involved me blocking them out of paranoia of her finding out) and they eventually stopped caring. I feel like I have no one anymore. Like no one cares. That this is what I deserve always. That I will either be alone or feel alone. I am breaking down. It doesn’t help that I recently found out that my dad has 3 more years to live because of his cancer. And plus the stress of school and still figuring out who I want to be. It’s so much.
How can I make this time different? And stay out forever?