How compassionate should I be?
My husband grew up enmeshed with his mother because of her emotional lacking husband. My FIL still around, married but don’t have the best of marriages. Good and physically healthy guy truly, but probably has undiagnosed adhd and anxiety making him difficult to live with.
Long story short, my husband and I got married 5 years ago and he’s come a very long way to understand his enmeshment and has set up very clear boundaries now with his mum. Wasn’t easy but we got here and I’m proud of him.
3 years ago, his mother got diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer. The cancer is stable at the moment but she’s weaker and needs the care of her husband. I don’t want to kick a person while they’re down, but she’s not a great human. Narcissistic, manipulative, annoying lol but can appear kind and compassionate to strangers and to her son if it benefits her. I have low contact with her and only see her when she sees my young son.
Recently she’s shared (overshared?) with my husband that her husband (my FIL) has been extra difficult to live with. Gets mad a lot, complains a lot, high anxiety. My husband believes he should see a psych and get on some meds which I agree with.
Usually I’m not ok with the mum sharing about her marriage to my husband because I feel like it crosses a huge line and historically it’s never gone down well with my husband overthinking and becoming too emotionally attached to his parents’ marriage.
But given her cancer diagnoses and his dad’s poor mental health, is this something that my husband should step into and try manage? Typing it out now, I think yes?? To help the mum and dad? I’m just traumatised from past events and don’t them to be overly reliant on us.
If the answer is yes to assist them, how can I be supporting my husband so that he’s not sucked in by her manipulation/oversharing? I’m just trying to be compassionate to the situation while also protecting my husband and marriage. Note that my husband feels the same way but obv it hits different because it sucks that his parents are struggling.
Thanks for your help! Please be kind ahha