To S and C
I will never forgive you.
Anyways. Hello. It’s Dusty / Dustin. I won’t namedrop either of you, but I want you both to know it’s me.
I know that you’ve probably both seen the video by now, but since that’s been posted, I want to get a few more things out of my system in a way where you both won’t jerk off to the pain you’ve left me in as I’m not going to allow you both to have that power over me any longer.
Instead, I’ll post it here where it’ll most likely get lost to the void. But knowing how you both are, and how you just miss me oh so much that I’ve had to delete/switch accounts on most things because the IPs of you and your family members had been popping off on my tracker that I have put in place to tell when to jump ship, I’ll put my last say somewhere it’s bound to get lost on a throwaway.
Why did I post the video saying my piece? C was dumb enough to like my posts on their main social media account, and being that it’s been like idk, 5 years and yall are still doing this shit, I’ve had enough. It’s becoming obsessive and creepy, so I wanted to send a message so yall will knock it off.
Why do I use an IP tracker? Previously (not anymore) to know when to jump ship on my old accounts because idk, it’s fucking creepy knowing that at least one of my exes (either one of you) is looking at my stuff after years of me wanting nothing to do with you.
Why do I delete accounts so much / barely use social media aside to post art? Take a wild guess.
Did I get anywhere with the two other exes? Broke up with one, married the other and divorced them after 9 months. Found out they hid shit from me, started arguing aall the time, but because I realized I actually don’t have to force myself to suffer for people that claim to love me no matter what, I could just idk, leave. Something I should’ve done with S a very long time before our relationship got to the point it did, that way I could’ve been at the point I am in my healing now with no added trauma many years earlier.
To C;
I appreciate you breaking up with me more than you know.
You freed me, and despite all you’ve done and the fact I will never forgive you, that is something I’m genuinely thankful for. It made me realize that I could’ve just left and walked away. So I did. I turned around and broke up with him, and started listening to all the things my body screamed at me. I was already having repetitive nightmares of that night hitting me over and over again. Since I didn’t want to believe he would do that, I shut it out but my body betrayed me anyways. Remember after we all went with you to your graduation, when we came back, I acted so ‘weird’ and ‘anxious’ and just made you ‘feel like I want nothing to say with you’?
I wonder why that fucking was.
So the nightmares kept hitting, which soon became flashbacks. I confronted S about it. I didn’t even go to you. Or anyone at first. Because I didn’t want to believe that. Like I told you before, WHY THE FUCK WOULD I EVER WANT TO BELIEVE SOMEONE I PLANNED TO SPEND THE REST OF MY LIFE WITH WOULD DO THAT TO ME????? Why the FUCK would I be so petty to ‘make up a lie’ LIKE THAT just because I’m butthurt over a breakup?? Oh wait, because you always wanted a valid reason to hate me. So why not just try to do mental gymnastics to make up reasons, right?
I know you hated me when we were together, especially after we broke up. You literally told me directly while we were all together “it’s so hard not to hate you and see you as someone trying to steal my boyfriend” as if I wasn’t with him 5 years previously and didn’t love YOU just as much?????
But I don’t know what mindgames he played on you to convince you I was this master manipulator. I know I’d change my opinions on a lot of topics or not tell you exactly how I felt and you’d use it as a test for my ‘honesty’ or whatever the fuck.
Do you fail to realize the position that put me in? Like yeah dipshit, people are prone to changing opinions over time, it’s how they grow, it came free with being a human. People being capable of growth and change regardless of what you or him think. Imagine that.
Or lets talk about the hiding my feelings thing. Let’s see; whenever I’d bring up problems I’d have with either of you in the relationship, BOTH of you, either separately or together, would find some way to turn it all around on me and invalidate how I felt, make it an issue that I CAUSED, like you did when YOU questioned me about confronting S for raping me.
Remember that? I never came to you about it. I wanted to shove it down deep and take his word for it and just keep on keepin on, because again, who the fuck would want to believe someone they loved that much would do that to them?
So I told you what I went through. I told you the bits I could remember, which wasn’t all of it. He used that to his advantage and you used it as a reasoning.
I said no. You know I said no.
And what did you say to that? ‘Well, he has a CNC kink and he thought you were roleplaying and could keep going because you didn’t use the safeword’.
Have we practiced it in the past? Yes. Does that mean you don’t ask before you jump into it each time and just assume? NO.
Regardless of what he or you convinced you, believe it or not, miscommunication DOES NOT MEAN that rape isn’t rape. It is what it is. In the same breath, you know that analogy they show you in kindergarden to get you to practice empathy, where you tear away at a piece of paper and then you can’t put it back together because of the damage done no matter how many times you tell it you‘re sorry? Yeah. I’d rather be that paper because at least I’d get a fucking apology instead of being blamed for being destroyed.
You told me that it came down to a miscommunication, and instead of trying to argue it because I was in survival mode and again, didn’t want to accept what happened, I just agreed to it and continued to drive myself into insanity trying to convince myself that THAT didn’t happen and you both somehow loved me when yall never really did.
He might’ve loved me at first, then it became having me around to make himself feel better or out of obligation because the one thing I will give him is I put too much on him emotionally instead of taking care of it myself and THAT WAS MY BAD. Trust me when I say I’m forever dealing with the consequences of this, and have learned my lesson all too well.
But I didn’t deserve to be strung on, I didn’t deserve to be gaslit, I didn’t deserve to be lied to, I didn’t deserve to not have someone who loved me enough to let me go and tell me I was beyond his help, I didn’t deserve to be made out to be this manipulative whore, and I definitely didn’t deserve to be fucking raped no matter what you think about me or how much you hate me. No human being deserves that shit, and it took me so many years to finally get that once I got away from you both because I blamed myself for so long.
I made excuses for the both of you to myself on your behalf and it only kept me from healing. It started with the narrative you both wove to me; it wasn’t rape, it was all a misunderstanding. Then after a ward visit and some therapy, it got through to me that rape is still rape regardless of it being a ‘misunderstanding’, that the harm was still done. Then that led me to the rabbit hole of going down the timeline of both our relationships and trying to find a million reasons as to why you two were justified in how you treated me. Each one I talked over in either the psych ward, therapy, group, with my psych, whatever professional I’m thrown at.
And it always comes to the same conclusion; despite the fact our communication was shit, we both should’ve walked away a lot earlier, he should’ve gotten help and I should’ve stayed away and focused on ONLY my mental health, but either way I didn’t deserve that shit.
That being said, no, you both didn’t deserve to be put into a position where you felt the need to care for me because I was so mentally unstable. You both didn’t deserve to take on the role of caretaker, or hold me together when I was falling apart. And I’m sorry I put that all on to you both.
But I didn’t deserve to be raped, I didn’t deserve to have my rape shrugged off as a misunderstanding, and I definitely didn’t deserve to have everything that was done to me minimized to nothing just because you were more focused on making me the villian in your story like he planned.
Fucking hilarious. You told me you refuse to be the villain in my story, yet I was the one in yours since you entered the picture as much as you tried to claim it was love. You never loved me. You loved him, and wanted to shove me out of the picture, stringing me along and knowing fully well I loved you as much as him.
How fucking dare you try to guilt me for breaking up with him when I know it’s what you wanted from the get go. You don’t get to claim that. I remember the insults you’d disguise as ‘compliments’ or ‘being helpful’. I‘d also remember how you’d get slightly annoyed that I’d act like I was none the wiser and you couldn’t tell.
I know you hated me, C. And I think the most disgusting fact of it all is that one pathetic phone call we had after we broke up. The one with you, him, and I over the phone where you were crying and asking if I still loved you because I was avoiding you so much. Just a bit after you told me that my rape was a misunderstanding, around the time I started getting more therapy and treatment for the nightmares and feelings that I claimed I never knew where they came from. Like the distance came randomly, from nowhere. And unfortunately yes, I did love you and I still do. The love I have for everyone who I’ve ever loved never goes away, including him, just redistributed so it doesn’t hurt as much. But I never got what the point of that call was. You never loved me, what was the point of you pissing and moaning over being upset that I may or may not love you? To get a reaction out of me? To make me cry over losing you and him after you’ve both destroyed me, as if yall didn’t rub enough salt in my wounds and laugh all while doing it?? Pathetic. Felt more like a tactic to provoke some emotion from me because I was pulling away hard.
And you both wondered why I ran to the other two.
They weren’t healthy for me at all, but they gave me the support I needed at the time. They gave me a shoulder to cry on, love, help, everything I needed. The problem was that they were faking a lot and wearing a mask the few years I knew them, but after you both, I learned when to quit and walk away,
I broke up with one, tried to remain friends, did not. The other one I got married to, found out something disgusting he hid from me, and walked away defeated as I promised myself I’d never put myself in another relationship like that again and broke my promise. But I have more pride walking away and divorcing him after such a short time than I would’ve ’making my bed and laying in it’ like I did with yall.
I was in their lives for a few years, I was married to him for 9 months, but I still walked away because yall taught me the most valuable and painful lessons anyone could ever learn, which are:
-You don’t owe it to anyone you love to force yourself into misery just because you feel you owe it to them
-The only one you can ever trust is yourself, even if you’ve known someone for your entire life. The only one who will have your back completely is you. Only you can take care of you and decide things for yourself. Only you can help yourself (with the help of professionals ofc)
-You have to be 100% upfront and honest with how you feel in any relationship, even if it’s bad, and if they don’t listen and continue to do things that harm you, it’s time to walk away
-You can choose to live in a hell of your own making or just change, it’s scary to uproot everything and start over but sometimes it’ll be the best decision you’ve ever made.
-You really.. really do not have to ‘make your own bed and lay in it’. You can always just strip the covers and put new ones on it.
So I left.
And no, I don’t hate you. I won’t forgive you, though.
However, part of me still wants to believe you don’t perpetuate the lies he tells and you’re just a victim of manipulation.
The offer to help you get away from him if ever need be is still there. I have many resources for programs that can and will help, some will completely pay for divorce fees because I know yall got married. I can help you get back in touch with any family he might’ve isolated you from (convinced you they were horrible and abusive and to never speak to them again), and I also have connections all over the states that could help you get housing away from him because of said programs and connections. Hell, I have a better car now, if you need help with moving away from him to another state or whatever I will put aside money and bring one of my friends for backup so we can get you where you need to be. Not all hope is lost. You don’t have to go through this alone.
The reason I offer this is because I had to go through all of this alone. Twice. With both of yall, and my ex husband. It’s hard, devastating, and painful. It’s almost killed me. I’ve tried to take my own life multiple times over it, the last and closest I gotten was in October of 2025. I am still recovering. I now have seizures and periods where I pass out due to neurological damage, I had to relearn to walk from it. I cut it too close and now I’m going to have to pay for that damage for the rest of my life.
You don’t deserve that fate. No one does. No one ever fucking does because this is one of the hardest things to go through. You don’t have to go through it alone, and yes, sometimes you have to swallow your pride and go back and apologize to the family/friends/people you spat on because of your shitty ex. If you’re too prideful to get help from me, which I fully understand, you need to go out of your way to tell your family everything, even IF you’ve cut them off. Just like addiction, the first step in recovering/healing is admitting that you have a problem/you’re in trouble/you need help.
I hope to God he’s changed for you, that he’s a better man, because he waited 10 years to do what he did to me. I found out there were others he did the same thing to me to after we split. Ask him about Sage, Daph, Quin, Maddie, and Tori to list a few. Gauge his reaction and see how he reacts.
You can keep trying to find every way to appease guilt and make me the bad guy, but why the fuck would I keep the same story after years? Why would I stay out of your lives? Why would I keep avoiding and deleting my socials? Why would I give up my dog that CHOSE ME as a puppy? Why would I get anxious and find every reason under the sun to not talk to yall or avoid yall after that trip?
You can try to justify it by saying I didn’t seek legal help, but why the fuck would I want to stand in a courtroom multiple times in the same room as my rapist for YEARS and stagnate my mental health more? Why would I want to retraumatize myself seeking justice when I could just not do that and seek peace instead? I don’t think I’ve ever truly known peace, and feel like I at least fucking owe that to myself. Go look up the statistics of how many rape victims report their assaults, or listen to other folks tell their stories about why they didn’t report theirs. There’s many out there.
You can try to justify it by me being emotionally unstable. But I got medicated and helped after that trip, stopped smoking weed, waking up to what happened. Funny how you both hated the effects all that had on me because I started avoiding yall when the meds and therapy started working.
Another thing I am appreciative of is the push you had on me to get help and quit smoking weed. Sorry that once I did I ‘changed’, but getting off the weed and taking the meds got me to realize that what yall did to me was fucked up. About a month before you broke it off with me and things started taking affect, I was in this weird phase where I started halfway believing what happened to me happened, and around the time it started hitting me, I was just kinda floating. I was in emotional agony, I loved you both, but I was in so much anguish. I started to stock up on meds to take myself out, doing the research on what would do the job (funny enough I took a similar mix in October), thinking that it’s better to go out being loved when yall had me thinking no one else would.
Then you broke it off with me and that veil lifted. Realized that wow, I really don’t have to stay. I forgot if I waited a few hours or a few days. I got into that group call with you, broke it off with him, you got mad at me and said I owed it to him to stay with him, but I felt like I was walking on air. That the burden of the world on my shoulders was gone.
And it wasn’t easy for a very long time afterwards. I went down the old cycle for a couple of years where I clung to everyone else to give me comfort instead of self soothing and taking care of myself.
Then I broke that cycle. Ended up taking care of others and NOT myself to overcompensate. Broke that cycle too (still kinda am). Started down the path of self acceptance, self love, and focusing on all aspects of my health. I lost over 100lbs since yall have last seen me, I’m thinner than I was in high school. I work out, still dive heavily into my art and even improved some, I make music now too, and if I get my health in order I’m looking at going to school for IT.
Had you not broke things off, I would’ve sunk with the ship and let it kill me, and I can not stress that enough. I was in a very dark place. But I needed to get away and you allowed that passage out. So despite the wrong you’ve done me, despite the fact I don’t think I’ll ever forgive you, and that you did it all as a means to hurt me, it was still a major positive I’m thankful for. You paved the way for me out.
It’s another reason why I offer you that same out if you ever need it, because without knowing, you did that for me many years ago. And while what you did hurt, I was still able to get away and heal. No, I’m not mad you stayed with/married him, all I am is just concerned because if he waited 10 years to do it to me, I worry about if he’ll do it to you too and if he’s actually become a better man for you. I hope he has. That’s genuinely all I ever want. I’m tired of people getting hurt, me included.
To S;
I don’t forgive you.
I never will.
And I know you’ll never apologize or beg for forgiveness because you’re too prideful, and that means you’d have to speak to me about what you did to me. Or just speak to me again period. And why do that, when you can just run away from what you did?
Despite your pride, you’re a coward. It‘s why you do what you do to the weak or mentally unwell folks like me, right? Because why go after someone who you can’t easily twist the story against. Easier to rape those you can make look like liars and psychos.
How many victims aside from who I know of have you actually wracked up?
Are you going to carry what you did to me and the others to your grave, or admit it and do better? Are you ever going to actually get help, or go anywhere in life or stay at the same dead end job you’ve been at for over a decade and just float by in life?
I don’t hold my breath for you admitting jack shit or ever doing better, easier to convince yourself of your own lies and have your spouse feed it back to you, parroting it to make yourself feel better.
You know you can’t run from what you’ve done forever.
You can keep that low profile online, you can keep running from your past, but eventually it’ll come out, especially with the amount of folks you’ve done this to.
I hope what you did to me and the others haunt you for years, decades, your entire life, the afterlife, and any life you possibly reincarnate into after.
I don’t want harm to come your way, but you put me and others through shit that no one ever deserves. I don’t even want justice. But I want you to never do the same thing you did to me to anyone else ever again.
I still love you and I really hate that I do. It’s the same fucked up love I have for anyone that’s caused this amount of hurt to me.
But I hope what you did haunts you. I hope it gives you as many nightmares as it gives me. I hope it keeps you awake at night and afraid to sleep for the same reasons too.
And I know saying all this does nothing. It gets it out there, but in reality it hurts. I’ve cried so much over you. I defended you and I got what I deserved in the end. I loved you so much that I ruined myself and kept myself in ruin for you, feeding off the tiny scraps of attention you’d give me. And watched you give it so effortlessly to C. You always told me I wasn’t a second choice, but you only kept proving that to me.
And it wasn’t that I was jealous over them. I loved you both. It was the fact that I just got proven to that you were sidelining me, keeping me around to use as a living fleshlight and source of income or housing or whatever, then getting too involved and not wanting to let go because you felt you owed it to me instead of just walking away.
It was the halfassed love and using me for sex that hurt. It was the lies that hurt. The gaslighting. The belittling me. And so much more.
And to top it all off, as if that hurt wasnt enough, you raped me only to get me out of an emotional state of mine you didn’t want to deal with, because it was better than dealing with it. And lied about it. And turned C against me. I approached you about it directly because I wanted you to tell me it was in my head, some fucked up hallucination I had. That you’d never hurt me like that. That the professionals were wrong. That you had some ounce of love for me in you. But that died long ago, if it ever existed.
I had no one. The two I loved the most in the world caused me this imaginable pain and could do nothing more than keep throwing salt in the gaping wounds and laughing as I squirmed and cried.
Why? What did I do to deserve all of that? And if you felt like I did something so bad that that was the price I had to pay for it all, why couldn’t you just talk to me about it or leave? Why did you have to put me through that? I could’ve handled you leaving me for them. I would’ve handled a breakup, even if it destroyed me emotionally. But what you did to me that caused me to wait for C to break it off with me to break it off with you almost did take me out.
You have no idea how many times I’ve attempted to exit this life from the fallout of what happened. The scars that cover my legs that are so deep they’re permanent because inflicting extreme physical pain on myself was significantly better than dealing with the emotional. The flashbacks I have if I don’t always keep my mind occupied with something. The episodes I have if I even see or hear something that reminds me of you. The places I avoid. The apps/social media I’ve deleted or stopped using entirely because you or them pop up in my suggested follows. I do everything in my power to avoid you and them at all costs, and not just yall, but anything that has to even remotely do with yall.
Because the moment I do, it’s like I’m back there again.
But I’m no longer letting you have that power over me. It’s what you’ve kept for a long time, even a few years after I broke it off with you. I’m no longer going to allow it. I’m going to flourish and I’m no longer going to hide in your shadow. I’m not going to delete my socials anymore, even if they get over 1k followers again. I already deleted my IP tracker. I’m not going to allow either of you to have the power anymore, and it’s been like 5 years now, so I’d say it’s about damn time.
Do not ever try to come back into my life.
Never try to find me, either.
If you feel guilty for the shit you did, don’t seek closure from me, find it within yourself. You will never get it from me.