To my mother who lives for everyone else in the family and sacrificed me and my child so you could have everything you all wanted. I still love you. I can never speak to you again, but I love you in a way you never loved me. I hope you’re well. I hope you’re safe. Where ever you are- Happy Mother’s Day mom.
I dreamt of falling in love, being in love, being loved, but the thing about wanting is that it doesn’t make it true. I guess I wanted it so badly because my family never wanted me. I was an outsider- always watching, never belonging. They never felt like home. So maybe what I really wanted was to belong, but it’s hard to belong somewhere when you’re the person who speaks uncomfortable truths. So I started spewing the lies they wanted me to tell, but that didn’t work either because I wasn’t happy doing it. I wasn’t me anymore. Now I’m older, and I had to leave them all behind. There still isn’t a person who ever really loved me for me- except for my daughter. So I shove my dreams aside. I shove aside the idea of love- because there is not a single lovable thing about me- and I reach for my one constant. A dream. The only dream I have left that I might be lucky enough to attain is to see her happy. One day if I work hard enough she might have the love I could never seem to find. I hope I’m strong enough to keep the light in her eyes. I promise never to hurt her the way my family hurt me. I promise never to abandon her. I promise to keep the dream of her happiness alive as long as I can.
It only took one bad decision- the wrong relationship- for her life to take a turn for the worse. You see, as it turns out when people believe you are vulnerable they will take advantage of you. They won’t help you.
So she dared to stand up for herself and not be the second best person in her husband’s life. When her brother introduced her to the bad boy next door he was suave and charming and she fell for him. It was like meeting the other beat in your own heart.
But he did the thing really really bad boys do and he beat her. Then he didn’t let her go. She told herself she was happy there. The beatings were only monthly. Sometimes less. He made her do bad things- make things. He never beat her daughter. Her daughter who had tea parties and laughed in the sun. Her daughter who was six and didn’t understand and called her a bitch when she tried to leave him. Her daughter who worshipped that bad boy- as her mother had once.
One day he crossed the line. After years of beatings he said to her- “I touched your daughter,” and she beat HIM and she left. He met her one more time to exchange some items. He told her to kill herself or he would do it. So she ended up in the hospital on suicide watch because after she swallowed the pills he drugged her and drove away. They never saw each other again.
She stayed with her family. For safety, but things were strange. Her phone started malfunctioning. Her emails didn’t go through. She got new phones. She got new emails. It just kept happening. She couldn’t use PayPal or Venmo or Coinbase or CashApp. She kept having to make new accounts over and over. She thought it was her ex. She filed for identity theft. Met a guy and… because she was scared… moved into his house. She and her daughter lived in the basement. When he was on drugs they moved out. Back to her family.
More electronic issues. She moved out and in with another guy. She had problems at work so she went to work for her family. The guy punched holes in the walls. He scared her daughter. She got a restraining order because her family said to. They said, “Move in with us. You’ll make even more money and we’ll take care of you.”
But after she moved in she worked day and night. They told her they stole her identity years ago. A punishment for “choosing the bad boy over her family.” They fed her drugs to keep her awake and working. Then they made fun of her for it. There was no one to watch her kid- so her kid would travel with her everywhere. Then they moved the work into the house she was staying at. All she did was work. They stopped giving her drugs, and they stopped paying her. What money she had been paid went back into the business until there was almost nothing left. Sometimes they ate while she and her kid watched. Hungry. She always found a way to feed the kid. Not always herself. The summer passed without her being able to renew her drivers license or take her kid to the dentist. She had promised to take her kid camping that summer. She broke a promise to her daughter for the first time ever.
She was scared. She saved what money she could get. She got sober even though stuff was still around. She fell from exhaustion working. She tried to talk it out with her family. They ignored her. They told her- when she had had enough- that she was the one abusing them. Her daughter asked if they could live in the car. They drove away.
She and her daughter went to see her daughter’s father, and it went all right at first. They were happy, but all good things come to an end. The father hurt his daughter, and when she told mommy… mommy only had one place to go.
So she went home. To her family. They promised it would be better, and it was, for the daughter. Not for her. They moved her to another house. This time she had no key. This time after work she had to clean up after everyone else who lived there and watch their kid. This time she got to take her kid to the dentist and work to pay off the bill. She went to AA meetings just to see other humans and pretend she had friends. She stole money from them and took her kid to the arcade. She bought them hundreds of dollars of groceries every few days with money they gave her access to… very little of that was for her or her kid.
When they were done with her they tried to hurt her. She went to the hospital. She knew what her family had done. She took her kid and ran to the other side of the country. Lucky to have a friend who helped them escape. Lucky to be alive.
But once- before all of this- she was a librarian who read books to kids at the elementary school, brought Capri Suns to track meets, gave kids free books at the book fair, took her daughter to ballet and tap lessons, and tucked her daughter into bed every night…