u/Extreme-Bottle6688

I lost my virginity last week and then had sex 3 total times with a girl I really like. I couldn’t finish any of the times.

Don’t really know why. I held out on masturbating for 2 weeks and haven’t came at all, so I was mentally into it.

I don’t know if it’s a newbie thing or if it’s a foreskin thing. Sex just puts my penis into very stretched out positions, which is more uncomfortable than stimulating (for reference, my penis is bent straight upwards when erect ). It could be me having used my hands for a long time. It could also be me not pulling my foreskin back, which is something I recently found out about.

Anyways, I don’t really know sex at all. At least I don’t know why my body likes that isn’t my hand.

Any help would be appreciated

I’m going to graduate college in December. Degree in neuroscience. Sub 2.5 GPA probably. Can’t really do anything with that.

Wanted to go to medical school. Can’t now. Wanted to build a career in the mental health field that pays well. Laughing at that.

I don’t see a future for me. I don’t know what my path is anymore.

The way the US system works it’s impossible. Only option is carribean which is known to be the biggest scam ever.

I’d have to do a complete career switch, but I don’t know what to. I don’t know what I can do to make me fulfilled both financially and emotionally.

I thought I was going to be a psychiatrist when I got into school. Unfortunately I’m too much of a fuck up emotionally deregulated soy boy and now I’m not.

My dreams are dead.

It’s not like I didn’t work hard. Got burnt out way too quickly in college. Was inches away from attempting suicide my sophomore year but I lucked out into not doing it (found friends). Switched major heading into my junior year to bet on myself instead of staying in engineering.

It’s like going to a casino, losing all of your money, and gambling your emergency fund. And now you’re broke.

Can’t change the past. At this point I might as well get my degree.

Best bet is a second undergraduate degree at a community college, but the chances of getting a masters or pHD from there is incredibly low. I don’t see myself in a purely computer job- I want a job to help people, not businesses if that makes sense.

Like my own private psych practice. Or something like that. Make enough money to have a happy living and support a future family. Have a job that makes me feel satisfied that I’m doing good in the world.

I was willing to grind. I was willing to put in the work.

It’s just imagine if Steph curry shot all of his shots but missed. Never really figured out how to make the shot. Despite constantly shooting. He’d not be in the nba. His hard work paid off, but not everyone’s does.

Didn’t want to be a nurse/PA bc I’ve only seen how abused they were in the psych places I worked. Therapy is cool but it pays buns.

That shit isn’t happening now.

It’s 2 am and I have a final at 8. I was woken up by my roommates and a friend being too loud and I can’t go back to bed.

I wish I was not such a dumbass. I wish I was good enough.

It’s not that I didn’t try. I promise I tried. Nothing works. Name it. I did tutoring. I did office hours. I emailed professors. At some point the reality hit and I gave up.

My parents don’t even believe in me. They don’t even want me to continue. Nobody in my life actually believes I can do it. My mom blames herself because of my lack of success. She told me this today.

She can’t fucking do that. Her other child is more than good with his life. How the fuck is she supposed to be mad when she at least has one good son?

Even then I still kept on fighting. And trying. Trying to relearn the entirety of organic chemistry in the winter break so I could do well in orgo 2. Emailing every professor and again and again trying.

Eventually it all caught up. I burnt out.

Id start out really strong and then burn out by the second exam. I wouldn’t go anymore. I’d lose the will to get out of bed.

The grades stayed the same anyways.

I tried waking up early in the morning to study bc I read somewhere that waking up early allows info to get into your brain better. I remember going to every lecture my first semester freshman year (I had a 1.96 gpa that semester).

You can call me a retard but at least I’m the retard that tried.

How embarrassing is it to have tried so hard and still failed? That’s unheard of.

Part of me wants to jump off a bridge and part of me is too scared to die and reach the unknown.

In 50 years from now, my gpa would still be the same btw. A med school would see it and be like “damn this motherfucker is a dumbass”. It doesn’t change.

Meanwhile I’m talking to someone and she’s like “yeah all I do to study is reread the slides”. Meanwhile I just bought an AI tool to make flashcards for me to help me study for my finals. Despite hating myself and being unable to see a future, I still want to do well. I want a reason to continue living.

But everything in my life is more a reason not to.

The only thing I have to look forward to is the fact that right now some girl likes me. I’m hiding this from her. If she finds out she’ll run away. I’ve never been the guy to do something casual- and I’ve never been in a relationship. It’s not necessarily keeping me alive, but seeing her and texting her is something that allows me to look forward to tomorrow.

I don’t want her to fix anything bc that’s my responsibility. She’s a person I look forward to and right now that’s one more reason to keep fighting another day. Same with my friends and family.

That and the new Spider-Man movie. And the new avengers movie. So I probably won’t do it til I see those.

Funny thing is that things like that is what keeps me alive. “Oh man if I die now I’ll miss Spider-Man”. It’s so stupid but it works.

It truly doesn’t make sense how much fucking effort I have put to reap absolutely no rewards. As a matter of fact, the best things in my life came with no effort. Funny enough, those things always just happened to me. I got a great SAT score- I was in the hospital when I found out. The funny part? I didn’t study for 2 months prior to taking the test and forgot my calculator. I just knew everything for some reason.

That doesn’t work now. If I do that shit now I get a solid 32 at best.

And if I was to apply to grad school 2-3 years from now, they’d see my numbers and be like “what a dumbass”- they wouldn’t think “oh man maybe this kid went through something”. That’s the truth of the matter.

The truth is I fucked up grandly and there is no realistic way I could ever make it back. There is no realistic way for me to achieve my dream. I need a new dream but idk what it is.

I think a part of me still hopes I can have a good life, I just need to have some times just to live the parts of life I haven’t got to yet. The parts of life those who didn’t try to end it all got to live.

Some people are winners. But without losers, there aren’t winners.

And I’m a loser. A damn good one at that.

I’m going to graduate college in December, taking an extra semester to finish my neuroscience degree (which is necessary only because I switched out of bioengineering heading into my junior year and some really really bad advice from both my parents and my academic advisors)

After all of this, I’m going to graduate with a sub 2.7 GPA (including retakes, I think if I get my grades recalculated it’ll be higher) and pretty much lose every conceivable chance of going to medical school, which was my original goal. With the fact that I have courses with 2-3 retakes, it is impossible.

I’ve loved patient care, psychology, and I wanted to become a psychiatrist. However, I am honestly just way too stupid to be a doctor. By this point of my collegiate career I’ve completely given up. I’ve gotten really depressed about it. I feel like a failure. And unfortunately, unless I’m in business the high paying jobs I want in my career are impossible without a masters or graduate program.

I’ve burnt myself out so bad I just want to lie at home on my phone and do nothing because if I try again I’ll fail and hurt myself more. I promise it’s not an issue of effort. It’s an issue of having a brain like mine. I have ADHD and severe depression, and I lucked out into not ending myself back in my sophomore year if I’m being honest.

I want to help people with the issues I have but I can’t even help myself.

I can’t even get a call back for a job interview as a patient care tech or something along that nature. I was too late to signing up to EMT courses in my area because I was too busy just studying (which is ironic. How can someone study so much and so hard and still be an absolute idiot?)

I did a test years ago and my memory function is absurdly low. It was part of my late ADHD diagnosis.

Right now, I kinda don’t know what to do with my life. Go into a field I know I will hate with a bunch of boring computer work? Get another undergraduate degree and do bad on that to the point where my best job prospect will be as a cashier?

Despite growing up in a privelaged place to create a good life for me, i feel as though failed. Now I don’t know what to do.

I don’t know what to do now.