u/ExtremeChemical3316

After I don’t know how many years of being helplessly depressed without any external support and years of actually wanting to exit, I fucked my nervous system.

I’m eternally happy. I cannot feel negative emotions. Because I know they will be so overwhelming I will want to exit. And to stay alive I don’t face them. I’ve seen it all. I’m numb. I laugh emptily to my friends. I function in my home with family. Yet I‘m not myself.

I don’t even think anymore. I just live. While my brain subconsciously keeps me trapped as thoughts try to escape but are immediately suppressed. Perhaps until I die.

I will do the same things in the same mental state until the day I die. Because any change to myself is too hard.

Yet I try. I try so hard to discipline myself to live, to talk to people, to try to care about things, to pursue my hobbies. To see the good in things I do. But every time I try I go back to square one. My brain says no. Sit down little boy.

I think I’ve escaped depression when it probably will keep ahold of me forever. And I’m just helpless.

How much pain do I need to give myself until I *feel* something? Just anything? How do I know I won’t go back?

Since the beginning of time we’ve had rank 50k derankers at 1900 ELO on various ROMAI clones over time.

Assuming Ranked gets refined well enough in the future, is this the fate of tournaments? I think it may be a possibility since presumably the entire purpose of Ranked is to accurately measure players’ overall skill in ways which the pp system/rank cannot, because rank-restricted tourneys have historically proven since the big bang that they are openly encouraging of derankerfests.

But at the same time I don’t think so because then every deranker would just set calculated 100k-200k plays on every map to derank ELO. Maybe this will be combatted if match histories of each player are publicly available for tourney staff to screen blatant derankers in this scenario. Or they wouldn’t play Ranked in the first place and continue playing priv server since Ranked plays do go into your profile unlike other ROMAI clones that use stable sv2.

But as of now I certainly know there exist derankers who are aura-farming by being simultaneously 5 digit and shitting on casual 3/4 digit players while being 2000+ ELO because they find it satisfying to beat someone who is on paper “higher ranked” than them, hoping they feel their “kick” of making them feel overranked.