u/ExtremeOdd6270

Hi! So I'm new to streaming. Been doing it on off for three months but am finally committing! But I have a dilemma. I'm finding out the hard way my social anxiety translates to online spaces as well. I find that I'm having a hard time talking, cause I'm so anxious and in my head, so there's a lot of dead air, worse if there's viewers. I found that I do better when I am playing a game with someone else or if the viewers talk back to me but that's hot or miss sometimes.

Anyone else struggle with this and got any tips that can help?

Hello, long time lurker, but first time poster. I made an acct and all

Need relationship advice. I genuinely can't tell if I'm being unreasonable anymore. Please no advice telling to just break up. That is not an option. Sorry in advance is this post seems chaotic or all over the place. I've never come to reddit before asking for help.

~Background Info~

My fiancée (26F) and I (25F) have a complicated history. We first got together almost seven years ago. We were together for about six months before breaking up. At the time we were in a poly relationship, and one of the other partners was emotionally abusive and manipulative. They effectively bullied me out of the relationship and turned my fiancée against me. (To her credit, we both were in a bad headspace going INTO the relationship so that didn't help, and she has owned the fact that she didn't defend me the way she should have back then, and we've talked through it extensively since getting back together.) After we broke up, we actually remained friends. I stayed friends with both her and her ex because I was genuinely worried that if I disappeared, her ex would isolate her from the people who cared about her. Looking back, obviosuly part of me never stopped loving her and got it into my head that I needed to protect her, even at my own expense.

Her relationship with that ex lasted around four years and was extremely unhealthy. According to her, and from what I have witnessed, she constantly had to defend herself, justify herself, and explain herself. She says she's still trying to unlearn those habits and I get that.

Last September we got back together, but this time as a monogamous couple.

Now for what brings me here!

Both of us have ADHD. I also have autism, BPD, and OCD. One thing that's important to understand is that I feel things intensely. Really intensely. I also have a deep fear of becoming abusive. I know that sounds dramatic, but I mean it genuinely. I have explosive rage syndrome and snap when I'm pushed past my limits. I don't like who I become when I snap, split, or have a meltdown. Because of that, I work very hard to avoid situations that trigger those reactions. I actively try to manage my emotions and remove myself from situations before they get to that point.

The problem is that setting boundaries has started becoming one of those triggers. The most recent example is that I hate being called "baby." Growing up, I was constantly treated like a baby because I was emotional. If I cried from happiness, sadness, anger, excitement, or frustration, people would infantilize me. Being treated like a child is a huge sore spot for me because of that, that includes tone and names. My fiancée is extremely physically affectionate and uses pet names constantly. I'm pretty much the opposite. My love language is quality time. I'm not touchy-feely at all. Some days I genuinely need isolation because I'm overstimulated and don't even want to be perceived. To her credit, she respects those boundaries. If I tell her I need space, she gives me space. The issue is that outside of those specific boundaries, I feel like most of my boundaries become discussions. Like when I've asked her not to call me "baby," the conversation becomes about why she does it. It's not like I said no to ALL pet names. Just that one and immediately she said "I'm just loving on you.", "What?" (In a whiny tone), "It's how I show I care."

And its mot just the name. Its also how she says it. And this is NOTHING against her, its just her voice, but she does have a soft voice and when she calls me baby it sounds like (to me) when you baby talk to like an infant or a cute animal.

And logically, I understand all of those things that she tells me. I understand she's just showing me love. I understand she is working on things from her past relationship, but emotionally, it feels like every boundary turns into a defense of the behavior instead of acknowledgment of the boundary, and I'm not even asking for anything crazy! The "baby" issue is honestly one of the smallest examples.

Another example was this whole "work wife" thing. I personally don't like "work spouses" when one or both people are already in relationships. It has nothing to do with the coworker and I wasn't accusing her of cheating. I just don't like the term and it did make me jealous hearing her say "my work wife" and I was honest about that. That conversation also became an argument. And then what keeps happening is that I start out calm, I feel like I'm not being heard, she becomes defensive, I get frustrated, then eventually I snap because I feel like the only way she actually hears me is when I stop being nice. Like with the work spouse, I stayed calm for as long as I could saying "Okay I understand nothing is happening but I don't like you calling ANYONE your wife. It just makes me feel meh". She pushed back with "well, I don't see an issue.". I said "I understand but it makes me uncomfortable and I'm not alone in this. Its a touchy subject. You can go online and see the discourse yourself, but for me personally I'm on the side of you don't call anyone but your partner your wife/girlfriend/husband/boyfriend" She said "well, I never saw it that way, and everyone I know doesn't have an issue." Not once acknowledging my feelings and then I just snapped "Okay, whatever, fine, keep calling her your work wife, screw my feelings right, so long as YOU don't see an issue." (Which I did apologize for once I calmed down cause I should not ever snap at her) but that's what it took for her to "Okay, I won't do it anymore" and then I feel like shit cause in my head all I hear on repeat "wow controlling much? You're just like her ex. You're controlling. You're such a narc. You're so insecure. Why'd you snap like that? She's only listening to appease you, not because she understands your feelings and where you're coming from" and I feel like I'm abusive.

I hate that. I hate me. I don't want to snap. I don't want to be angry when I'm supposed to be calm. I hate going from 0 to 100. I don't want to become the kind of person who has to raise their voice or get mean before their concerns are taken seriously.

Like I said in my example, when I do snap, I apologize because I genuinely feel awful afterward.

But now the part that's messing with my head is that I can't tell if I'm the problem.

I struggle with knowing when I'm wrong unless it's something incredibly obvious. In situations like this, I start questioning myself because she looks hurt, sounds hurt, or explains where she's coming from and it all sounds valid. She's just showing affection. It's just a joke. It's how she was raised. She's slow. She's not the brightest. (All her words and I hate them cause she IS smart but the abusers in her life convinced her she's not)

And in the end I feel guilty for bringing it up at all and tell myself "You should've just smiled and waved" (penguins reference).

I also know I'm not perfect. There have absolutely been times where I've gotten defensive over things that I felt were normal or that I thought I was right about. And times where I did make her feel not heard or understood, and I apologized. This isn't a competition over who's worse.

I just feel like there's a pattern where my boundaries frequently become debates, and it's starting to create resentment. Anyone with BPD probably knows how quickly resentment can build and spiral once you start feeling unheard and uncomfortable.

What makes it harder is that she keeps saying she's working on these habits she developed from her abusive ex (and also one of her parents who was a narc abuser), but I honestly don't see any changes. If I saw even small improvements, I think I'd feel differently. And I understand with ADHD building habits is one of the hardest things to do, but I don't even see an effort to try. To me even a small effort would be stopping and listening and taking a step back to regroup when I DO point out in the middle of the talk "hey, it feels like you're getting defensive and this is going to argument territory when thats not my intention." And I know this post mainly focused on her doing this with boundaries but its legit with anything in general. Example: I told her "hey, can you turn the fan on for me? Just pull the string" she goes "the switch isnt on" (confusing the two switches; one was up, one was down). I tell her "No, its on, the switch that is up is the fan, I know cause I flicked it on but last night turned the fan off using the string" she says "are you sure? I don't think the fan is on. Let me check" I go "Baby, it is on, why is this turning into a back and forth, just please pull the string its hot" she says "i know but I need to check for me" I say "I get that but at the same time you just argued with me over something I KNOW is true cause I JUST told you I did it, like it feels like you're pushing back just to push back" her "i know, its just for me though" and I'm confused cause for her what? Why does she need to verify I flipped the right switch? And I explain having her CONSTANTLY question me or argue makes me feel like she doesn’t trust what I say and I understand given what she went through but at the same time it is frustrating as hell. At first I was thinking maybe OCD cause I have that issue of double checking things but she swears she does not have OCD. But I digress.

I'm sorry this was all over the place but I don't have access to therapy right now because I can't afford it, and the people in my life are heavily biased in my favor, so I don't feel like I'm getting objective feedback.

So I guess my questions are:

Am I being unreasonable?

How do I tell the difference between someone explaining themselves and someone being defensive?

How do I communicate that I need acknowledgment of a boundary before an explanation?

How do I not get so upset every time she questions me, even on little things, or argues or gets defensive?

Edit: The boundaries I listed are few of MANY that turned into arguments and like I said it isn't JUST with boundaries. And as for the work wife one, yes, I'm in the wrong for that but that one was one of the most recent ones and I do feel my blow up reaction came from a place of repeatedly having to argue my boundaries. But as I said, I HATED how that ended and did apologize and with that one we haven't discussed it since. And I did let her know thats not how I wanted her to end up respecting that boundary. I wanted HER to see my side of it like I always do for her. That's honestly really all I wanted when I started arguing and badgering her in that situation. But as I said, I was wrong in that instance. It was just an example I wanted to provide of where this issue is leading, where the arguments are escalating, and I cannot tell if its me or her, and I'm reacting in a way I despise and it's making me hate myself more than what I already do. I love her more than myself and I want to understand better how to better navigate this.

Everything else is perfect between us and we both firmly believe we are soul mates, we just unfortunately came together after life beat us with the trauma stick. But she is literally amazing and sweet and smart and funny and is amazing to be around, even when we're upset with each other we want to be around on another and neither of us ever go to bed angry, which is why I feel like I'm the problem but idk? I just don't want to mess this up and am terrified of doing so.