I’ve raised my son mostly without financial help from his biological father. Now that my son is almost grown, I’m considering finally pursuing child support/paternity. Am I crazy for doing this now?
I’m looking more for perspective from people who have been through something similar than legal advice. I’m already planning to speak with an attorney.
My son is a teenager and getting close to adulthood. His biological father has always known he is his father. For complicated reasons, another man was listed on my son’s birth certificate when he was born, and legal paternity was never corrected.
His biological father did financially contribute voluntarily when my son was younger, but several years ago that essentially stopped.
Over the years, there have been different explanations for why he wouldn’t contribute.
At one point, he told me he wasn’t going to financially contribute to a household where another man was living.
Later, he lost his job. At the time I was doing very well financially, so I told him not to worry about helping while he got himself back together. I could afford to take care of our son, and I genuinely wasn’t trying to make his situation harder.
My own circumstances eventually changed significantly. When I later asked him for help again, I was told he wasn’t giving me money unless his name was put on our son’s birth certificate.
Eventually I stopped asking and continued taking care of everything myself.
He has occasionally contributed small amounts indirectly through one of my family members, and I would absolutely disclose and give him credit for anything he actually provided. But there has not been consistent financial support for years.
I previously tried going through my state’s child-support agency, but nothing really moved forward. I recently went back and finally learned that the man currently listed on the birth certificate has to be legally removed first. Once that happens, biological paternity can be pursued through DNA testing and the courts.
That process is now something I can actually move forward with.
And suddenly I’m conflicted.
Part of me thinks: My son is almost grown. I’ve made it this far. Why open this whole can of worms now?
Another part of me thinks: Why exactly should making it this far by myself mean his father’s financial responsibility simply disappears?
I’m also trying to understand his thinking.
Maybe he genuinely believes that because another man was legally listed as the father, he wasn’t responsible. Maybe he believes that because he didn’t trust me with money, withholding financial support was reasonable. Maybe he believed that because I managed without him for years, I would simply continue doing so.
And maybe he genuinely believes I’ll never take legal action.
For years I think I viewed him as someone who was always several moves ahead of me. He’s very educated, intelligent and good at navigating systems, and when I was younger I often felt like he understood things I didn’t.
Now that I’m older, I’m questioning that dynamic.
Maybe there isn’t some complicated strategy I’m failing to understand. Maybe he simply made choices that worked because I kept figuring out how to take care of our son anyway.
I’m considering hiring my own family-law attorney rather than continuing through the state agency. I want to establish the correct legal paternity, understand whether any retroactive support is realistically available, and let an attorney tell me what the case is actually worth before I decide how far I want to take it.
For parents who have been in a similar situation:
Did you pursue paternity/child support when your child was already a teenager?
Did you regret doing it—or regret waiting?
How did the other parent react once they realized you were actually going through the legal process?
And if you were the parent who didn’t pay support for years, I’m genuinely interested in your perspective too. What did you believe would eventually happen?