I, 27F can't express frustration to my husband 38M without him turning it into me being the problem.
I feel like I can't express frustration to my husband without him turning it into me being the problem.
I genuinely need to vent because I'm so overwhelmed and frustrated right now. This all literally started out of such a small thing and completely escalated. Also English isn't my native language so apologies if I make some mistakes.
For context, my husband and I have a cat who frequently vomits and gets hairballs. I've repeatedly asked him to keep the living room door closed overnight because I don't want her vomiting on our couch. She has access to all the rest of the house.
Anyway, this Sunday morning, around 8/9 AM, I woke up after going to bed at 3 AM. I was exhausted and just wanted to eat something. My husband had left the living room door slightly open, and of course, our cat got in and vomited over the couch and floor.
I was frustrated, but I immediately cleaned everything up, ate my breakfast, and went back to bed.
I asked my husband, "Can you please make sure to keep the living room door closed next time?" That's literally all I wanted. I wasn't asking him to clean anything. I wasn't blaming him for the cat vomiting. I just wanted to prevent this from happening again.
For context, I sleep with earbuds because our apartment is very noisy and I struggle with sleep. I still had them in when I spoke to him.
He immediately started accusing me of yelling at him. I genuinely wasn't trying to yell. I was just asking him to please remember to close the door. I understand that wearing earbuds might have made me speak louder than I realized, but that wasn't my intention at all!
Instead of acknowledging what I was saying, he started telling me everything I SHOULD have done differently.
"You shouldn't have cleaned it."
"You should have called me to clean it."
"You should have done this instead."
"Why are you made at me?"
"Why are you yelling at me?"
"I'd much rather clean cat vomit than have to deal with this argument."
And I'm sitting there thinking, what? I already cleaned it. I am not asking you to do anything right now. I am just asking you to please close the door next time. Also, can people not even get upset at each other? Being upset is a healthy emotion. But I am not allowed to show it. When I do, he often says he'd much rather have prevented it and I should have told him sooner etc.
At this point, I started trying to explain that I've been incredibly overwhelmed lately. Life has been really difficult for me, and sometimes I just need my husband to listen to me and acknowledge how I'm feeling instead of immediately trying to correct me or tell me what I should have done. I start getting really emotional and getting teary eyed because it just has been a lot on me. I have been on a waiting list for Major Depressive Disorder and PTSD treatment for over a year now and I am on sick leave. Everyday is hard for me and I feel like death would be more kind for me, a lot of time. I just feel really shitty right now. I don't have another support system besides my husband as my family was abusive. I am 27F and he is 38 if that matters.
But he kept just going on about what I should have done. He dismissed my feelings and then made it about how it is for him to be woken up by this. Then he brought up having had a migraine the previous night and said he couldn't handle the conversation. I didn't even know he had a migraine. Anyway I understand, but I wasn't trying to start some huge argument in the first place.
Then he started saying things like, "Fine, I'll just clean the whole house right now." When that is not at all what I am asking for.
I kept trying to explain myself, and the more dismissed and unheard I felt, the more frustrated I became. Eventually, yes, I raised my voice. I'm not going to pretend I handled every second perfectly.
By the end of the argument, my husband was sobbing and crying because I was apparently yelling at him. Suddenly, the entire conversation was about how I had upset him.
For additional context, I'm a 5'4 woman weighing around 58 kg. My husband is approximately 6'7 and more than twice my weight. Obviously, being smaller doesn't mean I can't hurt someone's feelings by raising my voice. I understand that. But it's incredibly frustrating to feel like I've committed some terrible offense when I was initially just trying to communicate a request.
I feel like there is no room for my frustration or emotions in these conversations. The moment I express them, the focus shifts to his reaction, his feelings, and everything I supposedly did wrong. This happens a lot when I talk about my feelings of needing the vent. Suddenly I'm no longer the person who needed some understanding. I'm the person who has to defend herself, explain herself repeatedly, and somehow manage his emotions on top of my own. I often have to tell him how to help me in those moments and have done that a lot, but he just doesn't understand it.
I don't need him to fix everything. I don't need a lecture about what I should have done differently.
I just wanted to hear, "I'm sorry, I'll make sure to close the door next time. I understand you're overwhelmed." I just wanted him to acknowledge my feelings and listen to me. Also, I do ask him to do things like for example the other night I asked him to deflea the cat. He said tomorrow. Tomorrow came and he didn't do it. So I just did it myself, which was fine. Often if I do ask him about cat stuff, he says he will do it but then doesn't end up doing it. So naturally I do it myself and don't ask as much.
I know raising my voice isn't helpful, and I want to take responsibility for that. But I also don't know how to communicate when I feel like nothing I say is actually being heard.
Can I get some advice to make this better? Also has anyone else experienced this kind of dynamic with their partner? How do you deal with feeling like your emotions always get overshadowed by your partner's reaction to them? I just don't know how to even talk to him at this point. I can't ever tell him I am upset or mad at him, because it really gets to him. I feel like I can't communicate my feelings and have to keep it all in. I feel like I am not even allowed to be upset or mad at him.,