u/Extreme_Resolve648

I am looking for some input and advice. I am in a really dark place and don't really have anyone I can turn to at the moment, until I can see my therapist.

I am 1.5 months on estradiol and spyro. I have only been "out" for around 8-10 months and I came out before being fully confident, and also started HRT before being fully confident. I have BPD, and am starting to think I might be a narcissist. I have not had a chance to speak to a medical professional about that yet but have an appointment with a therapist tomorrow.

I have no real sense of self right now, I feel very disoriented and fake. I don't feel like a human being or that I am alive. This has been an issue for a long time but has gotten worse since I came out and especially after starting hormones. All of my friends and roommates are women and I am very jealous of them. I also still feel like an outcast and an imposter. I am jealous of their looks and their shared experiences and their bonds they have with one another. They have attempted to get closer with me and they treat me as a girl, but I am very unresponsive to it. I feel like a liar and I am doing this out of a desire to belong and not because it's what I want. Parts of me feel like I am copying their behaviors and opinions because I want to be like them and not have them abandon me.

I have always been very insecure in my masculinity as well. I have always compared myself to other men and I always feel pathetic compared to them. Being around men makes me feel inadequate in every way. I have never felt comfortable or safe engaging in sexual acts with my previous partners in large part because of it.

Having BPD and now thinking I am a narcissist has made me more worried that I am doing this out of fear and insecurity and not any good reason. I have always felt different and weird, but I don't think of myself as a girl trapped in a guys body. I want to be a girl. For a little while knowing that it was just because I want to brought me comfort and made me more sure of myself, but with everything else going on in my life right now I am scared it's wrong.

On top of that, lately I have noticed myself thinking more misogynistic things and acting more misogynistic. I am having troubles with my friends and roommates, and lately I have been really upset that I am transgender. My own self hatred and difficulty with my friends and with my previous romantic interests has left me really sad and bitter and it is making me think some very negative things. I have also been watching more porn lately and have struggled to stop or slow down. I have been have been sexualizing women more often now and sometimes struggle to not think of it when around them. It makes me feel disgusting, and it makes me think I might only be doing this so I can sexualize myself in some way.

I am sure that working on my other issues will help me find myself and what I feel and want. Transitioning has been the biggest step I have taken to change and a part of me still believes it is the right thing to do.

I have screwed up my relationships with my only friends, who are also my roommates. I feel like they are plotting against me when I'm not there so I have spent all my time trying to be with them. I'm in a terrible mood and only spending time with them out of fomo and insecurity, i have pushed them to a point where they don't want to be around me. I know the only way to work on it is give them space and try to work on myself but when I am alone I am so scared and miserable and I panic and do irrational shit. My best friend is my ex who I broke up with twice. I confessed to one of my roommates I had a crush on them even though I knew I really didn't and still don't, though I still somewhat obsess over them mostly in a negative way. This put a strain on everyone and I haven't worked up the nerve to apologize. Every time I have tried to figure out what to say it all feels disingenuous or unnecessary.

I feel like I don't know how to genuinely apologize and every time I try for anything it makes things worse. The only friend I feel somewhat comfortable confiding in and asking for support is my ex, and it has taken a toll on them being the only one I go to for support. I don't feel comfortable going to anyone else because it feels like nobody else cares and it's so hard to confide in anyone. I am transgender and currently on Hormones to transition but I am getting worried I am transitioning because I hate myself and want tk be someone else and not because I am actually trans. I hate all my masculine characteristics, i hate the way men are perceived and I hate being held to a masculine standard I don't want to be a part of, but I feel like that is mainly hecause I am insecure in any part of my masculinity. I am not strong or confident or brave, I am insecure and sensitive and part of me feels like transitioning is an escape from my insecurities which feels wrong and misogynistic. I feel out of place all my friends / roommates being afab and I am the only amab in the group. I don't feel like I fit in and transitioning I thought could help but so far it has made me feel even more outcast.

Yesterday I told my job that today will be my last day, it was supposed to be a 6 hour shift, but my roommate who is also my coworker called out and now I am stuck working a 14 hour shift, most of which I am training a new hire during but I am so exhausted and stressed and distracted I can't properly train her. I feel so pathetic. Last night I called 988 to talk because I couldn't talk to anyone else and i sobbed on the phone. I want to kill myself. I think about it all the time and it feels like it's the only option. I have let so much shit pile up and have been getting worse for the last 2 years and all the progress I have made at any point I have thrown away and gotten worse. My friends are sick of me but I can't even isolate fully because we live in the same house and it feels like I can't do anything because it all feels attention seeking and I am too scared to be vulnerable around them. The other night I sobbed in the living room for hours while they hung out without me and clearly made them very uncomfortable, and when they came to help I pushed them away even though I didn't want to be alone. Since then they have been avoiding me more which I understand. I feel like they are sick of me. I they all act like everything is okay and it feels like I can't exist around them. I feel to sad to act normal or okay but too scared to ask for help or be alone which makes everything weird.

I drink and smoke every night now and my friends make comments but it never feels like concern it always feels like annoyance. I don't know. I know they are concerned about me and care about me, I know it is hard because I am unresponsive to support and comfort, and it is frustrating and stressful and uncomfortable living with me. Every day is so hard for me and I make it hard for them in turn. I am thinking about sending them a group text apologizing and explaining myself saying I need space or something. I don't want space but I think I need it. I am codependent on them, I can't regulate my emotions when I am alone but when I try to seek support I overshare and sob and make things worse. I don't want to stress them out and I also don't want to annoy them. My best friend has told me he hates having important discussions over text but I can't bring myself to say any of it in person. I am so stressed about everyrhing, all I can focus on is these issues and like 100 other shitty things and it's ruining my ability to focus and work and relax.

It is so hard to take care of anything. I hardly make myself food anymore and rely on easy shit like cereal or frozen foods and I doordash a lot. I don't clean or take care of myself hardly at all.