u/Fabulous-Meaning-676

I married my husband last year and, even during the relationship fase, he made sure to say his opinions outloud, opinions more like snarkly remarks. Those used to get me in wanting to unalive myself.

Up until recently I told him those hurt me deeply. even the priest that officiated our marriage said to him “be kind to her, don’t you know when to stop?”

After a few years of trying to make him to stop, someone higher telling him he does something wrong made me feel a bit relieved, that I felt somehow seen finally.

But today a memory came back to me with the priest telling me “he loves you”, and I couldn’t stop the thought “how can he loves me when he didn’t like anything I do or say or like? he refuses to spend time with me, he makes me feel like I am dumb, he has his own room that he feels invaded when i enter, he doesn’t like when my parents come over. and he believes is his job to fix me when i do or say something wrong. he even have to train me when we go to meet his parents. he just seems to no longer like me.”

I cannot divorce, I promised God to be with him. But I cannot stop the thoughts that is telling me “i thought I would be happier”.

Maybe I am over-sensitive and I believed to much in the love in the movies. Maybe my expectations were too high.

I just feel like I’m not good enough. I know that i’m not the smartest person. I am also not thr prettiest, or cleanest or housekeeper or wife material. I am loud, i am lazy, I am anxious, I am not school smart and almost always late. But I thought I have a good heart at least.

But I just have this feeling that “he made me a favour marrying me, that nobody would have marry me”. Maybe in a way is true, maybe sometimes I think too high of myself.

He is very loyal, very disciplinated, very on point, very frugal, he keeps his promises, and his smile when he does warms me inside. I love when he finally gives up a bit on his lonelines, rigidity and enjoy life. When it feels like he is alive. But lately it starts to feel like my promising to myself to keep my inner child alive (after I failed my biggest attempt to unalive), bothers him. It feels like he wants me to be someone else. That he is embarrassed of who I am.

In this morning I asked him ”what’s wrong” because I saw him lost in thoughts. “Did I ruined your life (by adding 3 cats to the family, cats that he knew that I want to get from mom for about 2 years)?” to which he didn’t reply with anything. That killed me a bit inside. He played with them last night, but idk, I have this very strange feeling. i wished for this moment for so long, I was so happy getting them up the stairs in the house, but now…I feel I made “another mistake”.

And I’m just tired.

Is not normal to be happy when married? I am, i am usually, I am by myself and with him, I promise. Is just big moments like these for me, are nothing to him, more even “disturbance” in his life. And I feel awful.

Even when he proposed to me, I didn’t feel happy. But that’s another story. I know I shouldn’t lean only on feelings, but….

Please help me build some kind of strenght. Please help me be understanding more often and don’t let feelings like this sting me.

How can I know he trully loves me? I think he didn’t say that to me in a few months. He doesn’t really show affection, or if he does is in services. Like for my birthday he always cooks me a cake, even if I always tell me that all I want for my birthday is for him to be kind. (Because he goes over the top to cook and then he is not really loving anymore. He is rude and tired and just a pain to be around with). I want presents, but I know his opinions on what I would like, so I just act nice and warm whatever he gives me. Because I don’t want him to stop spending money with me. He already doesn’t take me out because he told me I embarrass him.