u/Fabulous_Potato_5012

10 years and 2 days ago I lost my first daughter to stillbirth at 37 weeks.

She would be 10 today if she had been born alive.

Outside on my deck screaming and crying at the sky.. telling her I love her and still wishing I could join her. After a decade I still feel like I failed her.

Here’s the context. I am 35, and I have three girls in elementary school. I am divorced and I moved to my current location to be close to my family before I filed for divorce so that I wouldn’t have to ship my (literal babies at the time) kids to another state for a custody arrangement. I met someone and we got married and his mom lived in the state we live in now. Ok great. Custody agreement where the kids see dad every other weekend, grandma and grandpa 30 mins away, step dads mom lives 30 mins away, dad lives 45 mins away- awesome.

3 years ago step dads mom passes away suddenly. The rest of his family is 16 hours away. But we can travel. My mom and dad live in the house I grew up in and are for sure going to stay there forever since I helped build that house and that’s OUR HOUSE. FOREVER since they built it from the ground up when it was a wheat field and it was my parents dream house. To retire in. So I thought.

My parents have been selling all thier stuff for about a year now. Trying to learn Portuguese and saying they want to leave the country. I figured they wouldn’t go through with it. My mom has my 88 year old grandmother that sort of depends on her now that my grandfather is gone. My brother lives in a different state but I moved here to be with them. My mom went to visit her mom and while she was gone my dad had a heart attack. Luckily I was close, went over, saw the signs of a cardiac event and brought him to the hospital, where they flew him to St Joes where he had a second grand maul heart attack and had 4 stints put in. Dr said if I hadn’t been there dad would be dead. Not to mention me being there for my mom when I was 9 months pregnant helping her recover from shoulder replacement and a million other things. My parents have always been there for me too. We’ve been a super tight family unit- me, my mom and my dad. My brother has always been kind of.. his own thing. Loves us but not so involved.

But recently my parents have decided they are moving to Portugal. My dad is 61. None of his family has lived past 73 at the highest. Longevity for his family has been 64-73. I feel so sad and betrayed that they want to go “live thier life” and it doesn’t include me or my kids, who I thought were like.. the point. They are moving this upcoming January. I am stuck here because of the custody agreement. Ex has to sign off on me leaving. He will absolutely never condone me leaving the country with the kids. I’m alone here now.

Footnote - I also have a 16 year old dog that is fading and has been my anchor since I was 19. He won’t be here much longer. Losing my parents and my dog in the same year seems especially cruel. I have been crying for a week. Any advice would help, except “tell them how you feel”- I have. They say sorry it’s hard for us too but we have to live our lives. Can’t sit around and wait for you guys to come visit. We want to go and be free.. essentially. In not those exact words.
Heartbroken, alone and existential dread don’t even begin to cover it.