u/Fake-Slacker-2003

Papa was diagnosed with squamous cell carcinoma in situ, tamang treatment lang sya pero nakikita ko how agonizing it is to him. Months of sleepless night, whining, pababalik sa hospital at iba't ibang doctors for his check up and follow ups lahat yon tinitiis ko. Kahit may sakit ako o walang tulog kelangan ko gawin, pati natitira kong freedom na kung dati nakaka tambay pa ako sa favorite kong coffee shop ngayon hindi ko na magawa.. Matutulog ako ng 5 in the morning, gigising ako ng 7 am to prepare my papa's breakfast and medications, may guilt tripping pa kapag nag nap ako ng 1-2 hours laging maririnig ko "buti ka pa nakakatulog" na parang kasalanan kong napapagod rin ako.

Last Saturday naaksidente ako. Nabagsakan paa ko noong nagpapalit ako ng bagong aircon na binili ko para kay papa, yung edge ng ac tumama sa hinlalaki ko. Hindi k agad napa check up at inignore ung injury until kahapon nagising ako na may lumabas na laman at pus, na infect na at nahirapan ako maglakad 🤧 kanina nakiusap na lang ako ky papa na sasaglit ako sa doctor kasi lumalala itsura ng injury mabuti na resetahan ako ng antibiotics but hopefully wag nmn umabot sa surgery kasi hndi nagustuhan ni doc itsura ng injury ko

Khit na ganito lagay ko ngaun ako pa rin lahat, na realize ko na walang exemption khit ano pa mangyari sakin.. Nag aalala rin naman si papa pero hndi ko sya pwede pabayaan, naaawa rin ako sa knya pero na realize ko na sana may kahati man lang ako sa problema.. Sana may kahati ako sa pag aalaga sa knya,.

Wala ako aasahan sa ate ko, since maging citizen sya sa ibang bansa hindi sya nakaka isip umuwi maliban nlng noong naka burol na mama nmin. Hndi rin naman sya nagpapadala kasi nasanay kami hndi humihingi ng pera s knya at hnahayaan lng namin magkusa. Nasa spain sya ngayon nagbabakasyon with her boyfriend, alm ko nag eenjoy sya kaya ayawko sirain moment na yon at ayoko isipin nya na puro problema nlang binabanggit ko sa kanya.

We only afford on call caregiver, 70k combined income namin ng papa ko(pension nya + sweldo ko from my wfh job) pero ngaun na sobrang tipid nmin dahil mahal gamutan at mag papa laboratory na naman dahil nagmamanas paa nya kelangan ko ulit i sacrifice rest ko kasi ung ibabayad sa oncall cg idadagdag nalng sa mga tests

Nakaka pagod na, umiiyak nlng ako sa sobrang stress at napapatanong kung ano nagawa namin to deserve this.. Humihiling na sana may karamay ako sa laban n 'to

Just because that relative stopped visiting us since march. I understand because he's working and busy with his own life, besides, that relative is lives 40+ km away from us. Yesterday he visited with his girlfriend and brought us snacks but dad didn't even greet him, he didn't even said hello to the girl. Instead he shouted "you don't need to go here anymore! We don't need you!!".

I apologized to my cousin repeatedly, told him to please understand dad because he's in pain. Cousin said it's fine and he understand but it's still bothering me.

I talked to dad and told him he shouldn't have said that, that cousin of mine is the only person who's helping me and he's working. Fare is expensive. But dad keep on saying "you can take care of me alone!!!" But i said i'm too exhausted. He can see it, i was diagnosed with ischemic heart disease and high blood pressure(yes i i got myself check and im' just in my early 30s). I showed my father the result, he was devastated too and even cried but at the end he said "don't die, who will take care of me?".

And now, he kicked out a relative and told them stop going to our house. I begged dad to take it back because i need that relative especially when i want a break in long holidays, especially now i have illness too. I told him to be more understanding and patience JUST FOR ME but he also keep saying "YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND ME".

If im just a selfish daughter, i would leave him on the spot and let him die. I hate this. He's the one who should supporting and comforting me, i understand he's in pain but i also need understanding and support. This is really exhausting i just want to die in my sleep at least no guilt.

Paolo context: May kapitbahay kasi kmi na pag humingi kami konting pabor, kinabukasan babawian kami na uutang ng 100-300 pesos.

Pabor: bantayan saglit si papa with free meryenda at walang gagawin basta bantay lang. Padasal at insenso with free meryenda pagkatapos. That's all

Pansin ko mga pattern ng konting paghingi ko ng pabor, kinabukas hihirit na uutang ng halagang 100-300 pesos, dti pinagbibigyan ko kc madali sila lapitan when needed pero pansin kong nauulit ung gnung cycle.. Madali rin naman kmi lapitan pag need nila and we don't ask anything in return, khit nga sasakyan ko isang beses pinahiram ko sa asawa nya kasi na emergency apo nila. Wala ako hiningi khit piso o pang gas.. Khit mga kagamitan dto sa bahay pinapahiram ko sila ng walang kapalit, lahat ng service na pinapagawa namin sa knila bayad kasi kino-consider namin oras at pagod nila..

Ngaun, humihirit na hihiram ng 300, knowing na nag gagamutan papa ko sa cancer nya at napaka mahal ng mga maintenance kmi lang alam na tatakbuhan araw araw may mga lazada na nakatok sa pinto nila

My fault na pinamihasa ko and it's my first time saying no to them, i also reminded their previous balance na kung itototal aabot na siguro ng 1k+ sa bawat hiram ng 100-300. I learned my lesson.

I hate this! My sleeping pattern is very unhealthy no matter what I do, he's very entitled of my time especially at night whenever he finds out i'm still awake, he always call my name to command me or forcefully make me listen to all of his whining. It's extremely draining and stressing me! I even told him countless time not to bother me especially in my sleep or resting hour but he badmouths me and tell me "why? You should understand my condition! I'm in pain!"

I understand that, really but because of my unhealthy sleeping pattern i always experience chest pain particularly on left area. I also have difficulty in breathing whenever i inhale and palpitations. I still haven't check myself yet because he don't want to be alone, we have no relatives and no one wants to help us(i made a post about that). I told him those symptoms, hoping he could spare me but he compared it to his condition. I'm tired explaining, really. I'd rather die to end my suffering.

I blocked my uncle who used to go here in house when he was still single. Before, even if I ask him a favor to look after my dad he always say yes to me. I always make sure he's also well fed and had a bed to sleep on comfortably. I also insist on paying him but he always rejects my offer and I was grateful for that.

But everything changed when he got a girlfriend that's 3 decades younger than him(uncle is 59, gf is 23). I know i'm not entitled of his time but i rarely ask a favor to him to look.after my dad and even told him he can bring his gf in our house, because I just need a break or a day off. I want to unwind, i want to watch my favorite Japanese band concert last month. He didn't give me a response, he just sent me photo of him with his girl on his bed and that icks me a lot but I let it pass, i accepted the fact that now's not the time to see my idols in person and to watch their concert.

Last 2 weeks, i tried asking for a favor again. Usually, i gave him early notice because the concert will be in cinemas for a limited time. I badly want to watch my idols even just in the cinemas. I pleaded, he said he'll try but he didn't. I was crying the whole time and accepted the fact again that maybe... Now's not the time again.

I'm tired asking my uncle for help, even when I told him that dad was diagnosed with early stage cancer about a month ago he still didn't show up at least just for a day but he keeps on sending pics of him with his girlfriend. I finally blocked him and I won't ask for help anymore, i know this sounds toxic but i'm not asking for too much. He's the only relative i thought i could rely on, i only want a daybreak 💔

No one is taking care of u, that someone you're taking care of is also pressuring you to take care of them despite being sick?

These past few weeks, my left chest is always hurting and i am suffocating. I don't have time to go to the hospital for a check up because my father is very dependent on me, no one wants to help us because of his narcissitic attitude.

At 5am earlier, i felt the pain on my left chest again and a severe headache. When my father found out im awake, he rang his doorbell and demanded food. I didn't respond immediately because i was short of breath, he pressed the button 4-5x until i finally regained a bit of energy to punch the chair beside me and immediately stood up. I shouted at him and told me my situation, he just shook his head and didn't even bother asking me if i was okay???

I didn't asked what was he want. I sat on the couch again and massaged the back of my head, until now my chest still hurting especially when im taking a deep breath.

Part of me doesn't want to go to the doctor for the treatment. If i die, i die. I dont care if I leave dad, maybe my siblings can finally step up to take care of him and realized how hard it is for me. Seriously, i want to end this and end my suffering. I also lost my quality of life and i'm fucking exhausted.

I feel frustrated, no one wants to help me. People around us such as neighbors and friends of my late mom doesn't want to go here in our house whenever i'm asking them a favor to look after my dad or keep him company. I even offered payment and free snacks but some of them have reasons and one of them told me "i'm afraid of your dad, he always post rants on facebook about us, we also have struggles and responsibilities."

That's what Im telling my dad to shut his mouth, keep his thoughts to himself or rant it to me cuz i'll listen. I even told him before not to post rants about them bec their world doesn't revolve around him/us, that they're also struggling. But he don't listen, even relatives like his cousin who used to go here in our house so i can take a well deserve day off suddenly stopped going here and found out he cursed that cousin of his.

I understand him, he's deteriorating physically and mentally but who can i rely on now that no one wants to help me to look after him? I can't even go outside to watch my favorite band's concert at the cinema, that simple thing i can't do and it's frustrating, he doesn't care about my well being, mental health and feelings. And he's wondering why i always snap at him especially one time i throw his meds on his face. It's not intentional i swear, i was mad, i feel the burnout.

Note: i can't afford private caregiver for dad that's why i have no option. Care for elderly are not prioritize in the country i'm living in.

Sorry for my bad english

The guilt is eating me but I'm so fucking exhausted, he is exhausted from his chronic illness too. We've been visiting hospital 3-4x a week since January, our energy and resources are also draining. It's very exhausting.

I always pray to God to take him, I love my father I really do but it pains me seeing him suffer everyday. Am i a bad daughter? 💔