u/False-Heart6583

I once found myself in a bookstore in Jerusalem and overheard something quite curious to me. Two young men about my age early 20s were having an existential life changing moment it seemed. One was insistent that he could pick up and open and read a book about Kabbalah. His friend or brother was pleading with him not to, praying pleading trying to push him out the store but there was a gridlock. I don't know what happened.

I have thought about this moment over the years. Understanding at the time I could both empathize and judge but not really understand: I was raised Reform and female. They were in a struggle for the one's desire to read and learn, and the other's insistent plea that he would not be ready or understand and could harm himself by reading it. One book.

I have respect for systems of living like Judaism has provided, I understand the desire to be aligned with the rules for observing sacred do's and don't's. The community and need for strict learning. I was female and I can barely memorize things. I spent middle school in Conservative private community. I spent early 20s with MO and dated someone seriously. Hence finding myself in Israel, in Jerusalem, standing in the open bookstore, overhearing the two observing their struggle.

I don't have any questions about this, I wanted to share with this subreddit. I find it comforting to have found this subreddit a few years ago but now to be reading and posting. Raised Reform first born. Surprise to my parents that I was female. I identify now as nonbinary, it's the best language I can use for who I am. When I learned Hebrew in earnest in middle school, I found such comfort in learning there was gender neutral in language. There are so many gifts I have received and so much abuse. I left my dad's clutches year by year like the tide going out until I saw more how I was raised to have no self no self respect no autonomy but expected to perform as if i did. I never did fit.

I left Judaism and studied many religions, participated in prayers, rituals, communities, communes, cults. I'm just typing now, I'm open to any responses, I'm being vulnerable. And I am always in that moment with those two young men, observing the desire to learn and the desire to obey.

I (42 non-binary) wrote this last night about Ndad, I also texted him after 5+ years NC "Pedophile. Hebephile. Creep." and then blocked his number.

I made a spreadsheet and im writing down all the fragments of memories that float around in my mind. it’s wild. so obvious my dad was abusing me. what made me start was the memories of all the trips he took me on just me and him, or with my young brothers, and he always insisted on packing my bag for me, and a few times I remember the clothes weren’t right they were too small or missing underwear. Yuck because I’m looking at photos he took of me on those trips when I was in high school. Creep. my legs exposed im crossing them because he took photos of me low on the ground so if I didn’t have my legs crossed my underwear would have shown. Bathing suits too small or falling off me too big. Hebe pedo creep. it’s one of many small things. I cannot believe that no one thought he was weird for how possessive he was of me, isolating me from others, and always putting me down when we were at home. so much abuse SA CI and much I don’t want to write to others. even though I know it can be helpful to share for myself and for others. I’ve been reading many posts. I feel relief at understanding more and pure rage that no one protected me from him as far as I know. 42. so much work on myself. suicidal many times but out of that in this time. I’m living with no fucks given for protecting him or whatever. I went nc years ago. yet I gag seeing photos of his hairy arms and hands. his fingers ugh. he was so mean to me. he would stroke my neck and ears in a way I know now is how lovers touch. yuck to the max. no one helped. I didn’t know. he was a pillar of his community or whatever. my family orbiting around him in pure adoration. psychopath knows how to take care of things. religious leader. I had mastectomies so that’s great, I can just remember all that I do. he loved to grope me. but I can’t remember it. I know he did. standing behind me as I sat in a chair putting his hands on my shoulders stroking my neck and then down. yuck. this is gross but also only one of the threads of a tapestry of his abuse my whole life. sometimes he would “jokingly” choke me with his hands. I’m pretty sure CSAM was also occurring, he had a videocamera and filmed me. I have others memories of being scared because someone was staring at me outside my bedroom window through the blinds. he would encourage me to have my guy friends come over and have sleep overs in high school. all kinds of other fuckery of incest pedophilia psychopath narcissist abuse. it’s amazing I’m alive and got away from him.

I was forced by my dad to be left handed when I was right handed naturally. He abused me in other ways Im not ready to write yet, but my abuse was very specific as female that I didn’t witness my brothers experiencing. Has anyone experienced or known others who had this? Is there any reason in Judaism that he would have forced me to be left-handed? Thank you, I posted here a few weeks ago and appreciated the support.