My boyfriend (26M) and I (27F) signed a lease together, but I basically moved in alone. How do you tell the difference between relationship growing pains and actual incompatibility?
My boyfriend brought up moving in together earlier this year while we were long distance. Because I had more flexibility at the time, I handled most of the apartment search process in NYC apartment tours every day, spreadsheets, commute research, videos, comparing neighborhoods, etc. We eventually signed a lease together.
The issue is that after signing the lease, I moved in… and he mostly didn’t. He pays rent, has helped financially, and some of his stuff is here, but I’ve now been living in the apartment alone for about a month without a clear move-in timeline from him. Every conversation about it feels vague unless I push for answers.
At the same time, our communication has been getting worse. I’ve been feeling lonely and overwhelmed because I feel like I’ve handled most of the emotional/logistical side of this transition by myself. Recently he went on a trip and his communication during it was pretty bad, which honestly made those feelings worse.
I’ll fully admit I’m not perfect either. I can become blunt/emotional/spiraling thoughts when I feel unheard. But I also feel like he tends to drag his feet on major relationship steps, shut down during difficult conversations, and only fully engage once things hit a breaking point.
I suggested couples therapy during one argument and he initially reacted with “ I don’t wanna do that,” but later changed his mind and wanted to work on things.
At this point I genuinely don’t know if this is:
normal stress from a huge life transition,
two people who communicate badly together,
or a sign we fundamentally handle commitment and partnership differently.
Please be nice lol. I know I have flaws in this too, and I’m genuinely trying to understand the situation clearly instead of just blaming him.