Have kids only if you desire having kids!
It’s been almost a month since i cut communication with my parents. I live in the same house as them, ours is a 1bhk apartment since we’re living in the ME so my parents and i share the same room. They sleep on the floor and i sleep on the bed. Despite sharing the same room, being in close proximity, I can’t even look into their faces and hold a conversation. Reason? Resentment. All the built up resentment caused by childhood trauma.
My mother’s main problem with me is my bad temper, that’s how she has always portrayed it; “ah, iwal kowakaari, vaayadi, villi” yeah, my own mother looks at me as an enemy, like in one of those Tamil TV serials. I always thought my mother to be my greatest support, but now, as a 24 yo who’s turning 25 in just a couple of months, i have realized that she’s a big time narcissist. Just until few months back, if we happen to have disagreements and she gives me the silent treatment, I’d crumble. I convulse and cry. I fall at her feet asking her to speak to me. She has always given me the silent treatment, even when i was just a child with an underdeveloped brain and cognitive skills. And i have always gone behind her begging her to resume communication with me.
I remember very vividly how she used to beat me with anything that’s accessible. Let it be broomsticks, leather belt, shoes, clothe hangers, cane, etc, you name it. (She has even bitten me multiple times) And this was when i was just 7,8 or 9 years old. (She continued beating me until earlier this year) I wasn’t one of those kids that do average in studies and extra curricular activities. I used to be the class topper. I used to play netball. I used to be in the school choir, band, etc. Yet, it wasn’t enough for my mom. If i get 99 marks in science, she’ll beat me to pulp asking me where did the remaining 1 mark go? I’ll be the class topper and have 99 marks for science while the 2nd rank holder might have 100. She’ll beat me for that too. “If that kid can get 100, why can’t you?” She used to say while beating. This was a well known fact by the teachers too. They used to gossip about it.
I never got the appreciation from my mom. I was only made to feel that whatever i did was never enough. But,,, she used to parade me like a trophy when she’s among people. I will basically turn into a monkey performing for a crowd anywhere i go. My mom will be asking me to show off my singing and dancing skills. But behind closed doors, there was zero appreciation. Only silent treatment and physical abuse for the missing 1 mark out of 99. In my adulthood, this resulted in me downplaying myself and it made it very difficult for me to accept any kind of appreciation coming from people. I might do something great, people might appreciate, and I’d still doubt it and feel hollow.
Coming back to the bad temper, yes, i had bad temper as a child. An adult witnessing a child having bad temper will focus into the root cause of it rather punishing the child. In my case, the adult was a damsel in distress who didn’t desire to be a mother. She just raised us, idk what parenting style she followed. Physical abuse and silent treatment were her only fixes. My bad temper didn’t emerge out of nowhere. It was caused by me being SA’d as a child. It was my periyamma’s (mother’s sister’s) husband. And this happened from age 6 to 10 whenever he visits my grandma’s place (that’s where we used to live) and whenever we visited periyamma’s place. In between, as a 7 yo, i was subjected to disturbing things at the hands of an ustad in my madrasa. When my periyappa did it as a 6 yo, i didn’t have much memory or understanding of it to raise complaints. But with the ustad, it’s different. I knew something was wrong. I told my mom, that I don’t wanna go to the madrasa anymore and that my ustad is troubling me. She laughed on my face and said “eeeya enna idhu madrasa powa kalawla thaane poii solringa”. And that made me go silent about the abuse i faced by my periyamma’s husband bcz my mom never believes anything i say. Also in between i was SA’d by the periyamma’s husband’s 2 other brothers as well.
What i was subjected to at an early age severely impacted me in my growth and adulthood . It gave me bad temper. And made me impulsive. It took me years to figure out the root cause of all my negative traits and I’m working so hard to unlearn them. Now why i decided to put this message out here is bcz i read several posts from young women here, about marriage, kids, etc.
My message is: Please have kids only if you can handle them and only if you can take complete responsibility of their emotional and physical safety. Please have children only if your glass is full that you easily pour into theirs. Don’t bring little kids into this world and traumatize them. The trauma doesn’t end in childhood, it lingers in adulthood and wrecks life. If only i had a good mother who’s an emotionally mature adult, i would be fast asleep rn dreaming about a beautiful tomorrow. My mother failed me in every way possible and for a long time, she successfully made me believe that i was the problem. I was never the problem.
Get married. Love your partner. Travel. Build connection. Learn about pregnancy, parenting and early childhood development. Desire having children. Don’t have children just bcz your parents ask for if, or the society asks for it. Ask yourself if you want children. Ask yourself if you’re ready for it. Ask yourself if you can carry the emotional weight of having children. Ask yourself if you can be the trusted adult any child would run towards. If you have the slightest doubt, don’t have kids until you’re confident enough to bear the responsibility of a tiny human. Children are like the pinnacle of innocence. Be kind to them 🥺
Sorry for the long post. Just needed to get this out of my chest.