u/Fan_of_Sanity

Something I started learning about long before I was surprised by a divorce filing was the idea that many marriages are defined by enmeshment and/or codependency.

Enmeshment is the idea that two people are so intertwined that it’s hard to tell where one ends and one begins. Their emotions are tightly linked, and they spend so much of their time together that they struggle when they’re apart. They have no individual identity outside of their relationship.

Codependency is taking responsibility for a partner’s emotions, and feeling a strong need to be needed by them. It’s the caretaking of someone who absolutely should be capable of taking care of themselves.

In some ways, these are baked into culture. Just look at how many wedding vows have wording about “two becoming one”. Mine did.

And while it’s absolutely admirable and desirable for a couple to support each other and present a united front, enmeshment and codependency are NOT healthy.

For one thing, they tend to keep people in relationships long after they should’ve ended. For another, they can result in utter emotional devastation if a relationship ends.

I’ve seen the latter on this and other subs… Folks who aren’t just sad about their divorce—which is completely understandable—but who are truly wrecked because they have no identity on their own. They don’t know who they are outside of the marriage, and don’t know what to do with themselves after the marriage ends.

I guess my point is… Love your spouse, but don’t lose yourself completely in the relationship. And if it ends, be sad—but don’t fall into complete despair.

A lot of what we’ve been taught about how romantic relationships should work is just plain wrong. It’s unrealistic. It’s unreasonable. It’s unhealthy.

If there are other relationships in my future, I’ll go all-in. I’ll be loving and committed.

But what I won’t do is completely lose myself in them.

A lot of the posts here are from men who are struggling with loneliness and despair, and I completely understand the reasons for that.

But I’m curious… Are there any success stories? Specifically from men who were married for a long time, and got divorced in middle age?

I’m 53 (yeah, technically past middle age) and my wife filed a couple of months ago after decades of marriage. It absolutely caught me off-guard. I never expected to be single at this phase of life.

I have a good job, I’m aging well, and I’m fit. One of my best female friends, after learning I was getting divorced, told me I was “a catch” and would have no problem forging new relationships if and when I’m ready to. Had this happened 15 years ago, I’d have been more optimistic about my future. But in my 50s, I’m not so sure.

I’d love to hear from guys who got divorced at, say, 45 or older and were able to maintain active social/dating lives. And maybe what your techniques were for doing it…

My wife filed for divorce a couple of months ago. It was out of the blue from my side (I’m sure she had been deliberating for ages, though) after nearly 30 years together.

We’re going through the process now, and I’ve seen on this sub how that can take anywhere from months to a year or longer. We don’t have kids, so hopefully ours will be on the shorter side.

I’m in no rush to date, and in fact I still wear my wedding ring whenever I leave the house.

But I’ve been wondering: What are my obligations in terms of behaving like a husband? Is the ethical path to act like a husband until the divorce is finalized? Or did my obligations end when my wife filed for divorce?

Again, this is really a theoretical question at this point; I’m not out looking for love. But if the opportunity to spend a fun evening with someone presents itself, should I pass?

For what it’s worth, I don’t think I’d have an issue if my wife started dating before the divorce was finalized. I could be wrong—maybe if it actually happened, it would bother me more than I’m thinking. But in theory, I don’t think I’d complain if she didn’t wait.

Hey, all.

I’m new to the club, being in my early 50s and in the process of divorce after nearly 30 years of marriage. I realize I’m a walking cliche, but I was completely caught off guard when my wife told me she filed. There was no history of abuse or infidelity or fighting or anything. I think she just decided I wasn’t able to give her what she needs emotionally, and honestly that’s probably true. So she’s giving up a safe, comfortable life with me to go it on her own.

We don’t have kids, so at least that simplifies things. But she hasn’t worked for the past nine years, so considering that and the length of our mat I’m sure I’ll end up losing at least half of our shared assets and paying a generous alimony in the name of “equitable distribution”.

I make a decent living, but it’s only enough for an upper middle class lifestyle for a couple under one roof. Split between us, neither of us will be able to afford “the lifestyle to which we’re accustomed” (although we should both have a roof over our heads and food on the table).

It sucks. I didn’t want this, and I’m sad about it. I’m feeling a bit better than I did when she first sprang it on me, though, and am able to envision the positive aspects of being single—although I’m not delusional enough to think it’ll be the kind of life I might’ve lived had this happened when I was maybe 15 years younger her.

Thankfully I’ve got a group of friends who are incredibly supportive, with no less than three different ones offering for me to stay with them if I needed housing (so far I don’t). They’ve been great about blowing smoke up my ass by telling me I’m good looking, in shape, kind, funny, and have a good job. “A catch”, as one of my (female) friends said—although I’m in no rush to jump into another relationship.

Anyhow, now I’m playing the waiting game. It has been around two months, and I guess the legal wheels are slowly turning behind the scenes. I’d imagine that at some point soon, by STBX’s attorney will make an initial settlement offer to my attorney, and we’ll see if it’s reasonable or crazy.

We still share a house, which I know is unusual but honestly has been working. We’re getting along fine as platonic roommates, although settlement negotiations might put a strain on things. Time will tell!