u/Fantastic-Homework-5

I have fought so incredibly hard to keep myself and my son safe. We finally escaped his dad last year after we were together 8 years and right before my son's 3rd birthday and it's been hell, not as bad as it was with his father around but still so hard. I got shitty advice from legal aid and was told my 50b wouldn't be granted by a judge unless I agreed to give his father visitation , and in hindsight that was bullshit and did nothing but put my son in so much more danger. That man has done everything possible to hurt me, violated the 50b 6 times, cut my son's curly shoulder length hair completely off while he had him for the weekend, destroyed clothes and shoes I've sent my son in, and finally he filed for joint custody after I put him on child support. He has physically hurt my son numerous times during his visitation, and no one would do anything about it.

We just signed our custody paperwork 2.5 weeks ago (he only got to keep his every other weekends and a very limited holiday schedule) and not even two weeks later he's in jail again for drug paraphernalia which violated the probation he was put on for violating the 50b and assault on a female (me). I called DSS to investigate him for obvious reasons, and when they talked to my son he told them his father has been touching him. I have never felt like such a failure as a mother. He refused to agree to go no contact with my son against DSS wishes, and they basically said there's nothing more than can do besides continuing the investigation and hopefully pressing charges after my son is evaluated and interviewed. Legal aid was closed for the holiday. My lawyer told me just to send him anyway so I don't violate the custody order. DSS said I had to send him for the same reason. My caseworker told me to file a 50c which was the incorrect type of protective order so the court denied it. NO ONE WOULD HELP ME. All anyone could say is "well if you don't you can be found in contempt".

So I kept my son, I didn't allow him to go for visitation this weekend. I don't care what any of them have to say, I cannot and will not send my son somewhere where he is being sexually abused. So now I have to worry that I could go to jail because I violated a court order to keep my son safe because not a single fucking soul would help me legally. I don't understand. Why is DSS so useless? Why go to his father and ask if the allegations are true knowing my son was supposed to visit that weekend? His dad is dangerous, my son could've gotten hurt, beat, or worse; sadly I know what his dad is capable of.

Why should I have to be afraid to keep my child safe from an alleged sexual predator? Why should I potentially face jail time because DSS has opened a sexual abuse case but refuses to keep him from going back to his abuser? What kind of fucked up country is this? Why doesn't anyone care enough to stop this from happening?

If anyone has any advice or even just well wishes please send them my way, I could really use them.

Potential trigger warning for mention of abusive partner.

I've been a working mom since my son was born, his father worked maybe two jobs for a couple of months so I was always the primary and sole breadwinner on top of being the primary and sole caregiver for our son. After many many years of abuse we both finally escaped but when I got my protective order put in place he was allowed to have every other weekend visitation with our son who is only three. Working through the emotions and trauma responses that came from the eight plus years that I was with his dad is already difficult and on top of that I can't seem to get control of my emotions when it's time for him to leave for the weekend. We've been doing this since last July and everyone keeps saying that it'll get easier or I will get used to it and that's just not happening for me. I'm crying while riding this right now because he has to leave tonight. I've tried every coping mechanism. I've made a routine for myself. I get myself special food. I watch my favorite shows. I'll play some video games to try to relax and make sure that I'm working on the weekends that he's gone and I still just can't seem to cope. As soon as I pick him up on Sundays I'm already dreading the next weekend that he has to leave. I miss him so badly when he's gone and I feel like my heart is missing when he's not here. I worry about him so much not only because of the past trauma but because my son has come home hurt numerous times and CPS refuses to do anything about it because my son is speech delayed and very shy and so he can't tell them that his dad did it. I don't know if this is more of a vent or asking for advice, any advice is more than welcome, I just don't know what to do. I'm tired of my son having to see me cry for days leading up to him leaving, I don't want him to think that this is sad because as much as I despise his dad, I Don't want him to be any more afraid than he already is to go see him.

We do have custody court coming up in a couple of weeks but my lawyer has told me not to get my hopes up thinking that he's going to get any less time with him. Which means I'll also be losing the time that I get with him during the holidays since a holiday schedule will more than likely be put in place which is also terrifying. I just don't know how to keep myself together while I'm missing my baby so much and while there's nothing I can do about it.

TW: Miscarriage

I would have a 3 month old right now if it wasn't for him abusing me so heavily that I lost it. I was maybe 4-6 weeks, didn't even have time to process it. I lost the baby 9 days after my birthday. He laughed in my face before I miscarried and told me "good luck raising two kids on your own" and then verbally and mentally abused me to the point my body couldn't physically handle being pregnant.

I have a very healthy wonderful 3 year old, who I love more than life itself and am so thankful for every single day; but I can't stop thinking about the baby I never even got a chance to know. I know it was for the best, he put me through hell for 8 years and my son being his has only allowed him to have more of a vantage point to hurt me. I don't know if I could've done this with two kids or while being pregnant, but damn man I didn't even get a chance to consider it. He took that away from me, just like he tried to take everything else from me.

He ruined my first pregnancy, tortured me mentally and emotionally, tore me down, told me our son was going to die because I had to work 50+ hours a week while he sat on his ass at home doing nothing. I don't even remember the newborn phase with my son, I was in fight or flight mode the entire time so afraid we were both going to be hurt or killed. Thank God I took pictures and videos because it's all a blur.

I don't even know what I'm writing right now, I feel like I'm just word vomiting but I'm having a hard time processing this and the one year mark is coming up so fast and I don't know how I'm gonna handle it because I'm already struggling. I guess I just needed to put this into the ether so it's not so heavy on my mind.