A Painful Goodbye Made Slightly Easier
Just said goodbye to my dog today. Raised him from a pup - he was getting old but not old enough. He was an absolute madman - a menace to anyone who dared come near HIS home or HIS family (he took his self-imposed role as protector very seriously), vocally warding off all threats real and imagined (mostly imagined). His zoomies were unrivaled. He'd get so excited when he saw his people he'd wiggle-walk in a c-shape toward us (and the impending butt scratches). He didn't like a lot of people, but man did he love his dad and I - just a big old teddy bear for us.
He'd been sick the last month with what we initially thought was a tick borne illness, but found out a few days ago was a tumor on his spleen. It was wreaking havoc on his body, he was declining rapidly, and surgery would have been expensive and probably would not give us much more time. We knew we had to do the right thing, give him the courtesy of not trading more time for more pain.
You wrestle with that choice no matter what. We decided today was the day. He had a rough morning, but managed to go on a walk with the whole family and laid out in the sunshine for a good chunk of the day. He rallied a smidge later in the afternoon, which of course made us second-guess ourselves and wonder if we should hold off.
I don't do tarot often, but it was one of those moments where you're desperate for any kind of guidance, so went for it. Asking if this was the right decision, I think I got as clear and supportive of an answer as I could have hoped for: Justice, 8 of Cups, the Fool.
XI, Justice - We'd weighed the options with care and made today as good a day as he was going to have at this point. He was not an easy dog to live with. Because of his relentlessly over protective behavior we'd made a lot of concessions in our life, but loved him despite it and made sure to be as good of a family for him as we could.
8 of Cups - the card of departure: the sign to move on from something that has run its course.
0, The Fool - the card of new beginnings, of infinite potential, of taking a leap of faith toward a new journey free from the usual constraints of life; the card of a free spirit. It even pictures a dog that represents protective instinct!
I took it as a sign to move forward with our decision. From his perspective, his body quite literally was no longer serving him and I think he got what he needed from us and this life. His spirit is unburdened now, and hopefully he's able to transcend those overly protective instincts in whatever's next for him and truly be free.
For me, I'd be lying if I said a sense of relief was not mixed in with all the other feelings about all this. Relief that he's no longer in pain. Relief over no longer having to agonize over what to do and when to do it. Relief from the constant vigilance that comes with having a pet with behavioral issues. As much as it hurts, this is definitely a new beginning for the rest of our family too. Looking forward to living a bit more freely with a lot of great memories of a fluff-noodle.