Dislike roommate after boundary violations
Hi all, I’m here for advice. I(26f) moved into a shared apt with another woman(28f) in February. It was my first time moving out/away from family and I was kind of in a rush since my family is toxic.
When I met my roommate, I thought she was nice, warm, etc. She invited me to reach out if I needed help with moving or if I just wanted to hang out. I felt like we could be friends and I had high hopes about moving in.
My first week in, I realized she was super inconsiderate, absent minded, and reckless. All of these incidents happened in the same week:
I was having my bed frame delivered to the apt and she said she would be home and offered to bring it in for me. I made her aware of the time and day of the delivery in advance in case a signature was needed. The time came and she wasn’t home. I called her to let her know they were outside, she said she was out and asked me if I could ask the delivery guy to come at a later time. Thankfully, there was no signature needed and they were able to just drop it off. Roommate apologized like “My bad,” and I concluded I couldn’t depend on her after that.
Roommate brought her ex boyfriend over late at night and we’re having sex in her bedroom (right across from mine) which woke me and my partner up in the middle of the night. I brought this up the next day and her explanation was that she was used to being sexually open since that was how things were in college… I set a boundary about intercourse not happening while either of us are home given that her bedroom is literally right next to mine, and overall, I just think doing that when you know I’m home is incredibly tacky, inconsiderate, and disrespectful... Like you’re 28, you’re not in college any more. We agreed on that boundary and moved on.
I adopted a cat the same time I moved in. Everything was cool until she let my cat out by accident while cleaning the apartment. I had a full on breakdown and she was just standing there looking at me and my partner while he was comforting me and was like “I’m sorry.” My partner and I spent hours trying to find my cat and thankfully, she did come back. Roommate’s minimal action and lack of sincere apology about this, stuck with me. My cat could have died or never came back, and she would have just been like “I’m sorry.“ That was my last straw.
I’m 3 months into the apt now and for the most part, I like the space, but I realize I don’t like roommate. I avoid talking to roommate unless it has to do with apt logistics and practicalities. I don’t trust her around my cat. I have high anxiety when she’s home, when she brings people over, especially when she brings men over. I hate how I feel around her. I feel the most at ease when she’s on vacation or staying at someone else’s house for the night or weekend.
I try to feel more positively towards her, but I can’t gaslight myself into believing I didn’t feel incredibly violated and unsafe from these past incidents. I’ve essentially made up my mind about her character/the kind of person she is. She has a new romantic interest or partner in her life, and has brought him over today, which has triggered all of my negative feelings and anxiety all over again.
I’m not sure how to cope + navigate my feelings safely while protecting the best interest of my cat and I.
Any advice?