Struggling with Salah
Hi all, please be kind :)
Around 6 years ago I left an abusive marriage. It was so bad that the judge said she had never come across a case so horrific. At the very least I was spiritually abused by being forced to *not* pray Isha unless he wanted me to.
He would make me stand and wait on the prayer mat until my legs gave out, and then call me a bad wife for not wanting to pray with her husband. It would be 1am and I still did not have his permission. Sometimes I would pray anyway and risk having him throw things at me and prevent me from sleeping just so my prayers were at least done.
He would accuse me of not praying so I started doing double prayers in front of him just to prove I do. It got so bad that he accused me of growling in salah and therefore must have been possessed. One day he called these men into the home. They lay me on the floor and recited over me. Fed me bitter herbs and oils and told me I had evil eye.
He took me to ruqyah centres and had more people recite over me. When I would pray, he would whisper into my ear and call me crazy. When I would break my salah because I could not concentrate, he accused me of being a bad Muslim, making it hard for him to be the proper husband Allah willed for him to be because I was a bad wife.
I have been in therapy since I was in my early 20s. It has been 10 years and my salah has not returned. Every day I yearn for God. I believe in Him, love Him, and feel empty without Him. I feel so ashamed in calling myself a Muslim when I don't even submit.
Here's the thing - I prayed every salah whilst in umrah. I struggled during fajr but never did I let myself break the "streak". I prayed all of Ramadan, maybe having to make up 4 prayers in 30 days, and I was so proud of myself. But deep down, I knew that I wouldn't keep it up. I think not praying has become my new normal and I am starting from 0.
Working on my trauma has really helped, and whilst those flashbacks do upset me, they don't retraumatise me. I talk about them as distant memories but feel no fear nor do I dissociate. EMDR has been rough but a godsend, too.
I think the issue is that my current lifestyle has become a habit. Living a successful life and not praying fills me with guilt. God has been so good to me, saving me from that life and granting me the best husband a woman could have. A comfy home, a successful career and loving family. How can I not thank my Lord for all these bounties?
So I would like advice on how I can start again. Advise me as though I'm a child, learning for the first time, how to integrate salah, baby steps, not all at once. I want this to be a sustainable change for life, so I can leave the past behind me completely and not allow my ex to taint my relationship with Allah.
Also keep me in your du'as please.