Alone
(M22) (sorry if this is all over the place I’m typing this out in a desperate attempt to get my thoughts and feelings out) My people skills are terrible. I can never tell when I hurt someone’s feeling’s or that I’m not welcome somewhere. When I was younger my family was more supportive and happy to see me , now it just feels like my presence is a burden. I’ve never in my life had a “best friend” or someone to talk to when I’m feeling down. I work really hard to improve my self image doing everything I can to get more muscular, be more attractive. I don’t just do things for others, fitness and self improvement are things I am genuinely passionate about and enjoy pursing. But at the same time I do these things to be more likable, perhaps more approachable. I’m not good at putting myself out there I’m so unbelievably awkward and insecure I can’t just go up to people and start talking it never seems to go well and I overthink about it so much I’m never able to do it again. Anytime I have someone in my life that is close to me one way or another I lose the person, sometimes we grow apart sometimes we bicker too much and just don’t do well around eachother. Either way I take it very personally, not that I hate the person, more so that I hate myself for not being more likable. There are points in my life where i feel like I’m okay and I’m doing well regardless if i have people in my life that seem to enjoy my company or not. But most of the time the loneliness feels like it’s eating me alive. I used to be able to use the time alone to focus on myself and improve aspects of my life so the next time i have the opportunity I feel more confident to put myself out there. These days it feels like I don’t have a confident bone in my body no matter what I do. I hate myself for pushing people away there are so many people that have been in my life but I’m to proud to reach out to them , I don’t think I could take a negative response. These days I look in the mirror and I’m the most attractive, the most muscular I’ve ever been in my life but I’ve been crying myself to sleep every night. Most people think I ooze confidence but I feel like puking after every social interaction. In my dating life I’ve had 2 notable relationships the first one broke me apart after the relationship I chased her for at least a year trying to make it work and she hurt me over and over and over again which was more my fault then anything. The second one which was shortly after , it lasted for about a year , I left the relationship when I felt it was going no where without a second thought I didn’t feel regret or sad in anyway at any point and I think that’s odd. Maybe this is just how it is to be a man? Maybe I’m just getting old enough to realize that. Maybe something is wrong with me and that’s why I struggle to pick up on social queues and make people not want to be around me. After reading this back maybe being someone who seems confident and happy but not picking up on the social queues I just come off as an asshole. I’m not sure.