Hello, I am using an anonymous account for privacy reasons. Sorry for my writing I am really distraught and English is my 2nd language.
I(F19) am bisexual and have been dating my boyfriend(M21) for more than a year and a half. Yesterday we were at his friend’s (F22) house and me and her hot drunk. I drank for the second time in the last year (I’m on antidepressants, so I try to stay sober).
After a few hours, my boyfriend had to go home and I stayed with her there. I felt a bit more sober so I drank another glass of wine. After a few minutes it really hit me and we went to her bedroom so we could sit on her bed. I remember not being able to sit so i leaned onto the wall (her bed is in the corner of the room). I remember the following moments but it’s blurry and I have a lot of gaps in my memory:
- she started getting naked. I don’t remember how it got to this because at this point I was extremely drunk. I told her that she’s very attractive but we both have boyfriends and shouldn’t do this.
- then, I remember her telling me that she knows I want this as much as she does
she got completely naked and I told her we shouldn’t do this again and that we can’t do this
- I remember her fingering me and going down on me
- I remember being on her bed in fetal position and crying because I cheated on my boyfriend
she told me she can stop and all I got to do is say no, but I was just quiet and crying
- I remember her kissing me but I was not able to kiss her back due to the intoxication
- then I remember going down on her
- I told her she should get out of bed and we should end this because it isn’t right
- I remember her telling me that we already cheated so it doesn’t matter anymore and that our boyfriends woulldn’t find out
- then, she used her strap-on on me
- then, I used it on her. during this, I felt something wet on my legs, touching it and realising that I have probably peed myself. I looked down on the bed and there was a big puddle under us
- I told her that I squirted because I was extremely embarrassed
- I remember her continuing me on the floor after she pulled the sheets off
- then I got a cab and hurried to catch my last train
I would never do this if I weren’t so intoxicatedand she hadn’t pressured me and initiated the whole thing.
I am really not sure if this counts as cheating or SA, because I enjoyed some moments of it..
I cried during the whole train ride because of guilt. I texted her that I had peed myself and that it wasn’t squirt. she texted me, that she had told her boyfriemd about us having sex. After I got off the train I told my bf as well.
After I got home, I started to realise that this was really weird and that I felt pressured. I had called to a rape hotline but the lady was really mean to me so I hung up. After that, I had called a crisis hotline and the lady there helped me calm down. I threw up a few times as well.
After waking up, I talked to my friends and and most of them say it’s SA but I talked to a close family member abt tgis but she told me I could’ve just told her to stop and remove myself from the situation.
I called with my boyfriend, who is understandably mad, devastated.
I called with the girl as well and she told me she doesn’t remember almost anything. I tried to confront her by saying that I felt pressured and she told me she wasn’t a rapist and that I had my shair of guilt and responsibility in the situation. I feel extremely guilty and I think my boyfriend is going to (understandably) break up with me. Please I need advice, I don’t know what to do and if I should feel like shit because I cheated. I feel taken advantage of. What should I do?