I’m getting married in Oct 2027 in mystic CT and in search of a violinist that can/is willing to play more popular music for ceremony (Drake Best I Ever Had for recessional) still working on song walking down the isle. Let me know if anyone has recs, thank you!
This will likely be really long, so I apologize in advance.
I met my boyfriend almost 3 years ago and we have basically been together since. Moved in fairly quickly, he was great in the beginning I know, I know honeymoon phase. I didn't know at the time we met but he was addicted to Adderall and on antidepressants. He had been on them for years at this point. He would stay up until 4am playing video games, going to work at 8 then coming home to sleep and repeat the process. Numbing himself just to get through the day.
His daughter lives in another state and he was unable to have custody due to being active duty military and he was stationed where we met (his ex cheated on him and moved from their home to live with another guy in their home state, no one knew where they were and needed a PI to track her down)
A few months into us moving in together he weaned off the Adderall and it was stressful to say the least. His daughter lived with us for a year before she officially started elementary school, as her mother dropped her off to "get her life together". I have 3 kids of my own, so we fell into a good routine juggling everyone/sports etc but I was just happy to have a full happy loving house. For context I have my kids every other week (50/50) with their dad 30 mins away.
He pulled out of the Adderall addiction and unhealthy lifestyle he was in before we met, but this is when he became way more disrespectful, resentful toward me and just mean. He also weaned off the antidepressants, and when he was on them he seemed more emotionally regulated than he does now. Anytime there is a conversation about anything pertaining to our relationship or how I feel he will not talk about it. He lives in a constant state of avoidance and as much as I have tried to help him I am emotionally drained. He is constantly fixated on other things to keep him busy and yes he has been in and out of therapy. When his daughter is not here I know it affects him, but he doesn't express this until we are already in an argument.
About 2 years in he was caught on dating apps, a girl that he knew gaming found me on instagram and showed me his dating profile. To say I was devastated after everything we had already been through absolutely killed me. I never looked at his phone and trusted him whole heartedly. He told me "If we didn't have trust we didn't have a relationship" meanwhile this was just him gaslighting me. Sending/receiving nudes from girls he met online but apparently never actually cheated. This is something I struggle with daily never feeling like I'm enough for him or anyone, that I am just existing to be an accessory.
I work my ass off and have a really great job, I handle all the bills and everything in between. He is now finally being responsible for his share of bills but I still handle the house. First 2 years about he didn’t pay for anything financially. This includes paying for trips to see his daughter, family in other states etc. I'm a great stable mother to my 3 and truly love his daughter like my own.
When we have a disagreement it's like a switch flips and it's free game for him to say whatever he wants to me and if I react I'm just causing problems for him. This circle jerk of emotional torture is starting to get to me mentally. He is disrespectful and will sit on his phone literally ignoring me when I try to talk to him about anything. As I type this he is sitting next to me l ignoring me because he wants to be left alone, I get needing space but he’s not meeting me emotionally to talk about what is wrong and the space creates distance. He also plays video games whenever he possibly can, I have given up saying anything to him it just is what it is. He falls into a habit of neglecting responsibilities and makes this is only escape. I totally get it as a way of talking to his friends he doesn't live near and "hang out" the only way they can.
He is actively trying to get custody of his daughter, life with her mother is really unstable physically and emotionally. I fully support whatever is best for her, and we have created a loving home in spite of the shit we go through. At her mother's there are guys in and out of her life, no consistency and drugs have been accessible to her. That situation has also been volatile, I feel like I am always left in the dark and apart of him feels I'm not worthy of transparency. There has been distrust with him and her as well, although I do feel he has made an effort to rectify this and have better boundaries with her.
After writing all of this it does feel like I have answered my own questions, this is a very short synopsis of our relationship and I am really stuck in between a rock and a hard place on what I should do. I love him so much and our family but I keep being the brunt of all the tough things that happen in his life and feels like I will never get the type of relationship I strive to provide. I know he has narcissistic characteristics and the only way to make a narcissist care is by giving them space and not caring. That is so far out of the realm of my capabilities, I care so much and love so hard, probably to a fault thus the situation I am in.
I just want consistency, understanding, loyalty, love and companionship. I know therapy is really the only way forward for both of us to mend our relationship and not live to avoid the issues we have. I just want to know if this is even salvageable. I want to be married and have that commitment, but I really feel he's not being honest with me about what his intentions are. It’s like he treats me so bad he’s just waiting for me to have had enough. I feel like pulling away at this point and having an exit plan is really the best for my children and I. If anyone has had a similar experience I’m begging for anything at this point and one foot out the door…