u/Fearless_Garden618

TW: Mentions of physical & verbal abuse. Mentions of incest. Drug abuse. Alt-right insanity.

This is quite long, sorry if there's grammar or syntax issues.

I was no contact with my mother for defending my nazi father's violent behavior. I haven't spoken to him for about four years now, as he is dead to me. ( He muzzled us with a firearm while pretending to "shoot protesters", went on about how women need to "sew themselves up" or kill themselves instead of get abortions, making threats towards politicians... The list goes on, he gets his own post one day.)

She was generally very unkind to us as children. Physical and verbal abuse, accusing us of things we did not do, assigning sexuality to things that were completely innocent, etc. She was less of a mother and more of a spiteful warden.

One day, when she was alone in their big, brand new house (I used to get occasional updates about them from my grandmother,) She texted me a half-apology about dad and said she didn't want to get involved between him and I because it "wouldn't turn out good for her." Whatever. I accepted it and started talking to her again partially because she'd never apologized before, and because she was withholding important documents that I needed.

We started with lunches, hikes, etc. Small visits that were manageable, even if I felt like something was wrong each time. She finally gave me the documents I needed after asking (for the third time), I could sense that she was anxious and trying to keep me around when she gave them to me. I stayed at her house while my dad was out of town. It went fine, but when I came home I laid in a dark room for the rest of the day. She was very cordial, almost unsettlingly so. My whole life she's barely showed me a lick of affection and is now saying "This piece of art reminds me of something you would do" and "seeing you is my Christmas gift" and things like that. Makes my skin crawl because it feels very forced.

I got used to a cycle of "I see her once a month or so, feel like I'm sick as a dog for a couple days, and then go back to normal."

Enter my half-sister. My dad had a sexual relationship with his cousin, and they had her. She's unfortunately a trainwreck, and was on the run from a deeply unstable guy who was trying to get her addicted to meth. She has three daughters, all with different men, and has regular custody of two of them. My sister moved in with my mother and father- and the meth addict had their address and began stalking their house, trying to get to her and her kids, etc. It's a lot for them, and I genuinely felt bad for my mother- who now had 2 little kids (6 and 11 years old), my doped up sister, and and a meth addict crawling around. My mother was largely responsible for raising my nieces at the time, because my sister was too deadbeat and my dad generally doesn't share the burden in childcare.

So I let my mom stay over for a weekend about once a month. First weekend comes, right off the bat she decides that my house is too dirty and spends a significant amount of time cleaning it (My house is average. It's a house, we live in it. It's not completely spotless, but it's cleaned and organized before we have guests.) I wake up the following morning to her soaking things and going on an angry tirade about how Bill Gates was going to put "something" in everyone's vegetables to not make them rot anymore. Okay. We go on a hike afterwards, and she goes into how "they" ( don't know who) are attacking core family values. I go "hey, me and my husband are a complete family." and she jumps down my throat and goes "DON'T START WITH ME ON THAT!"

Okay.

I try to connect with her a little bit, say my doctor thinks I may be autistic. She flat out goes "I wonder if you have a personality disorder," which to her means "I wonder if you are broken and bad." She is the type to full-chested call someone a narcissist or bipolar because she does not like them. She's very into pop-psychology, dateline, etc. To her, almost everyone is a criminal, a sexual creep, or has a personality disorder. The irony in that is I do think she shows narcissistic tendencies, though I'm not a psychologist and cannot say for sure.

Okay.

First visit over. I lay down in the dark after a regroup with my husband. Next few months she stays one weekend out of the month, I hear what's going on about my sister and how insane things are there with the cops showing up and the meth addict boyfriend breaking into my sister's accounts. What really upsets me though is how she talks about my nieces.

According to her, my 11 year old niece is extremely similar to me. Right down to being interested in the same book series' as I was when I was little. I'd really like to meet her, but every time I bring it up it gets brushed off and she (and my brother) both get dodgy. I drew her a dragon from her favorite book series and sent them home with mom, she gives me one back. It's a game of telephone with a kid I've never met. Part of me really wants to connect with her because I know just how hard it is to be young and have all the adults in your life be terrible.

My mom was sheltering my nieces from a dangerous situation. She was genuinely a step up from the meth addict boyfriend, but the way she treats that 11 year old crosses a line for me. It's the same as how I was treated. My mom does not like children. She did not want children, and she seems to beef with them more than any adult. It's so normal for her to freely talk about kids like they are all evil little manipulators as soon as they stop being cute and easy.

My niece was horribly physically abused by her father and locked in her room for days because he thought he'd broken her bones. Her father is currently on the run from the law, and no one in the family knows where he is. She had a therapist assigned to her by the state, and is clearly messed up from what happened to her.

We were at lunch, my mother very proudly and snarkily said "I know she's manipulating me when she cries about something, I tell her that her tears don't work on me." She'd previously implied that she thinks my niece is faking her trauma, but to hear her say that so plainly floored me. Another time when she came to visit, mom said "One of your nieces said she was sad I was leaving for the weekend. I told her it was to get away from her." Again. Floored, I didn't really know what to say. I tried to ignore it.

Eventually, my sister finds an apartment and gets out. I politely tell mom that she can wait until it's warm again for her to stay a weekend, because it's hard to host company when we're getting snowed in regularly (we live in the mountains.)

The last time I saw her was in April, at my brother's house. We were sitting on the couch, just talking, when she says "You know I used to beat your brother with the wooden spoon." As if it was a funny joke. I looked at her and said "It's crazy to hear you say that out loud. You hit me with it too, it hurt like hell." I take a moment to step out and use the restroom, and I come back to hear her speaking in that quiet tone she picks up when she's saying some awful shit.

She was telling my brother that she thinks my 11 year old niece was lying to the cops about what her father did to her. Even my brother- who tends to take her side- was saying no,there was a police report documenting it and everything. But my mom was convinced my niece was a liar.

I don't know why, but something clicked in me right there. I realized that my mom hadn't changed, and that she was now just bullying someone much smaller who can't stand up for herself. She's been somewhat careful not to do that to me since we started talking again, because I defend myself when she crosses a line. I was willing to forgive her for what she did to me throughout my childhood, but I'm not willing to forgive her for perpetuating it on my niece when she's already been through so much already.

I realized that I just... can't see my mom the same way anymore. I have no warmth for her. I do not like her. She is cruel and vindictive, especially when someone is vulnerable. I must have either run out of usefulness or upset her by calling her out for joking about hitting us, because she's showed little interest in seeing me since. Just a text for my birthday (a relief, actually) and she and my brother went to lunch for mother's day without even inviting me (also a relief.) She thinks she is punishing me with distance, but it's really just making me realize how little I want to see her. I don't want to listen to her spew vile hatred or talk about how much she spites my nieces. I don't want to listen about how "all Jews are bad" or how much she thinks modern women are manipulative gold diggers. I just.. I'm done. It's disrupting my life seeing her again. I'm getting sick to my stomach thinking about another visit.

My husband and friends all can't stand her, and honestly I'm tired of coming to them in pieces about some rotten shit she's said or done. I've already cut my dad off, and she continues to defend him to the ends of the earth. I'm almost thirty now, I want to live my life free of this. I feel like I'm living in the past by continuing to have a relationship with her. After a certain point, I'm just re victimizing myself.

I feel like I've made up my mind, but what I'm struggling with is how and when to go about it. It didn't stick the first time I "just blocked her." Especially because I needed those documents. I don't really know how to open this topic up.

Advice is appreciated. If you read this far, thank you. I appreciate you.

TW: mentions of stalking and groping.

I had a very proud moment in college. This guy was known for stalking and cornering female students out in the open (Yes, he did eventually get expelled). I was studying in the library when I saw him corner a girl in the hall. He was getting very close to her, and wouldn't leave. I come up to her and pretend to be her classmate, and invite her to lunch. The guy (who knew of me, because I'd told him to GTFO before) got visibly upset and left.

She thanked me and said she was having a hard time getting away from him. I offered her my number in case he came around again and she needed help, and the interaction ended.

Later that week I'd gone home for the weekend and told my mom about the interaction while in the car. I was so proud of myself. I've always been the kind of person to not let creepy guys' behavior slide, especially not after a classmate groped my boobs in middleschool. I thought my mother would be proud of me too, but instead she said this:

"Why did you give her your number? She probably thought you were some kind of sicko trying to have sex with her."

Naturally, I deflated. I was suddenly questioning my own motivations, wondering if I was secretly a horrible sex pest, just like the guy who'd cornered her. This was a typical interaction with my mother. She regularly accused me of horrible sexual deviancy, especially when I was very little.

She'd cornered me and shamed me for being "disgusting" before when I was around six, because I was singing "lady lumps." I had no idea what a lady lump was.

She accused me of having a gay orgy with my friends and girlfriend in highschool when I came out to my parents as bi. (Most I ever did was hold her hand in the hallway. We were fourteen.)

She thought I had sex with my friends at a sleepover when I was 8 because I asked her if you could get pregnant from sleeping in the same room with another girl. (I developed pregnancy OCD from a young age)

The list goes on. I learned that anything could be spun into sexual deviancy and developed awful OCD surrounding it. I'm still unpacking it, and it's getting a lot better, but working on it means looking back at the way this woman acted like I was a criminal.

anyone else's parent accuse them of doing stuff like this?

Update: I did it, I blocked her. The worst thing is the shame.

I think I'm done. I want out, but I need help. I just don't know when or how to do this.

Blisters on my scars 3 years post-op