My BPD is ruining my relationship, please help
Edit: I think I need to be clear I was diagnosed when I was 20, and am unmedicated and do not have professional help for this condition.
So I’ll start right from the start here of the relationship, Me (23) and My partner (24) started talking about 3 years ago, things escalated quite quickly with us and probably a lot faster then I had hoped, about 2 months after talking and meet ups/ booty calls we started dating, the reason we started dating was on bad terms, I was staying at his house one night due to a booty call, and my ‘friend’ (who wasn’t really my friend but that’s another story) asked where I was staying, I had said his name and she decided to say she was talking to him too in that way. I straight up woke him up, confronted him, he told the truth straight away, I asked to leave, however we talked it out and I stayed till morning. I then left, and he called to take me out to dinner that night, I agreed because to be fair we weren’t exclusive so I didn’t really get too upset about it, and he asked me out that night after dinner and we became exclusive and casually dating per say, we both weren’t 100% on being in a fully committed relationship, and still talked to other people, 1 because I wasn’t really ready to settle down I wanted to see what he’d be like in a relationship and if I could trust him, and 2 he was sorting some stuff out with his ex/baby mumma. But we agreed to not sleep with other people.
Anyways i never went through his phone, it wasn’t my business, nor did i give 2 shits to be honest. The semi relationship was going fine. However after a few solid months we did call a quits, he was still working stuff out with his baby’s mum, she was getting more shitty about a lot of things and stuff got a bit difficult, he wasn’t really sure what to do, and I was not about that, I needed certainty. So I basically called a quits and said to sort some stuff out but I kept in contact with him here and there. In this time, I continued with the life I had before, and he sorted his life out too. Eventually he lost contact with baby mumma. And she stopped him seeing the kid, which I felt terrible for him, but it was also his decision as to not cause stress on his child, which I completely understand. She had spoken to me quite a bit through it all and to be quite honest I have nothing against her, but I wouldn’t be surprised if she is also suffering from some sort of personality disorder herself, she went a little crazy and just wanted the baby to herself, we got along quite well, we became good friends, and I even helped her with tips on the baby etc. I’m not a mother myself, I have had 2 pregnancies that have both ended in miscarriages, 1 to an ex and 1 to this partner, but I grew up learning a lot about babies and a lot of tips and tricks that I always wanted to remember for if I had my own.
Now fast forward into September 2024 my car broke down, and the closest person I could call was him. We were still good friends and we were planning on going on a weekend trip in December, he is well let’s say a sort of mechanic. It’s his profession. I am a Student still studying for my certifications, he ends up taking me home that night and we go and trailer my car to his house the next day. The car is fuckedddd uppppp, I hit an animal, and it had smashed the whole front of it in, radiator and all is just obliterated. Issue is, I was living in my car, of my own choice, I went to friends houses regularly and my family’s to obviously shower and clean and I did it every day etc, but I chose to sleep in my car even if it was in my family’s driveway. It was my safe space. And the only place I felt comfortable sleeping other than his house really, so I end up staying with him for weeks till my car is fixed. We were fine, we ended up growing the bond back and got closer then before we talked about if we would be interested in getting back together and agreed we both were, but I didn’t want to get back together right then and there, I wanted him to surprise me randomly with it, because I don’t know something sweet I guess, and I had stated this time I wanted to be full on dating, and I had rules. These were the rules:
No exes unless it is baby mumma because there is a child involved
No girls because personally I don’t believe in men having girl friends
No cheating
No lying
Full honesty
Good communication because hello I need that
And to make sure when he asked me out that he did post that we were dating on social media so that people knew he was taken.
And I’d do the same.
I’m a very jealous person, and I do not share. Come April 2025 and after a wait he finally asked me out, of course I said yes, I made an exception, he kept 3 of his girl friends on his phone,I let it be, I was okay with it, and I don’t have any men on my phone whatsoever other then a one of his friends to arrange gift ideas etc for him. Until about a month in I had a feeling in my stomach. I decided to go through his phone the first time I had ever done it. I knew his password that was never an issue, my head told me to go straight to his photos and look into the hidden folder, and there it was. Someone’s nudes….. however, they were from before we were dating, as in before the second time, so in the period we were just friends, I immediately deleted them, went straight out to him and said I went through your phone and deleted those nudes btw, he said “what nudes” I said “the chicks in your hidden folder” and he looked shocked, he’d genuinely forgotten about them. Anyways even though I had deleted them I couldn’t let them go. This was the first time and only time I know he’s lied to me, cause a few days went by and I said “so who’s where they” he said “idk one of those snap bots” I knew he was lying, he couldn’t look at me, so I kicked up his old phone, because same Apple ID they’d be saved on there too, I braced myself knowing I’d have to see them again. And I figured it out pretty much instantly, they were his most talked to girl best friends, and I confronted him about that too, I got quite angry he’d lied to me. And he knew I knew. I told him that because he lied to me I’m either leaving or his girl friends all had to go, he decided to stay. And deleted all the girl friends he was friends with. He then gave me his phone so I could go through EVERYTHING. To be sure they were all gone and there wasn’t more or anything else he was hiding and or lied about. But that one lie. Has ruined how I think today. I am now 1 year and 1 month and 2 days into this relationship. That one lie, happened 1 months if even into our relationship. Everyday is the same, I wake up, I ask him if he’s cheating, or if he’s talking to girls, or if he’s hiding anything from me, which he always says no, I have full access to his phone, he has full access to mine, I go through his phone at least once every 2 weeks (I pick random days and suddenly spring it on hoping I’ll surprise him and catch him off guard doing something he shouldn’t on his phone) my head constantly thinks he’s cheating or doing something behind my back, I have his location, he has mine, it’s never turned off, he goes to work, goes to his mates work every now and then, messages me the whole time, constantly reassuring me, always being fully open, always being honest with me (that I know of), I know everything he buys, and sometimes when I go through his phone and don’t find anything I split on him because I get so angry that my feelings are fake and I’m made to feel like I’m crazy because I probably fucking am. I check everything and I have to know everything, I hate being like this. I felt like I could manage it for the longest time and I could be calm and be okay, but it’s like his presents just triggers me now. I love him so much, but I know I’m hurting him and myself. And I’m looking for any advice on how to calm myself. I get so angry and frustrated and cry and have full breakdowns when he takes longer to come home then I hoped even though he’s messaging me and I can see where he is even if he’s on the way home, a lot of the time I don’t tell him in fear he will leave me. I get mad if he’s on the toilet having a shit more than 10 minutes because what if he’s talking to girls in there. I don’t care if he’s wanking and watching porn. That doesn’t bother me at all, meh. But talking to a girl on social media will send me into pure rage. I watch his followings and friends lists like a private investigator. I’m quite literally in fight or flight mode at all times. You know it’s so fucking bad, that of a night if he doesn’t cuddle up to me or I go to cuddle him and he doesn’t want cuddles because he’s hot. I’ve already thought about the affairs he’s having with other girls and the marriages he’s thinking about because he don’t want me no more. And I know I am absolutely probably delusional. Am I not delusional, or can anyone actually give me good advice to settle me down a little.