u/Feisty_Revolution975

So the title gives some background. I don't think my partner needs to change, she isn't cruel when she is grumpy, she mainly just shuts down and closes off. I appreciate how real she is and do not want her to start acting happy for my sake when she isn't. I also know my obvious discomfort at her being grumpy only adds to her stress. I am a pretty anxiousbperson and it is very obvious in my body language no matter how cool I try to be haha. What I am looking for is advice on is how to best support her. Sometimes the grumpiness is coming from work stress or parenting stress, frustrating things happening in our government (we are in the US), and sometimes stress from something I have done. I know the first thing is I need to work on just being comfortable sitting in the discomfort with her. But I am looking for advice on how to best support her when she is wanting support. I always let her know I am hear to listen if she wants to talk. When I ask if she is okay she always says she is fine, and I think some of the time she truly doesnt want to talk about it, but other times I think she is wanting me to offer support in a better way. For anyone with a similar personality type, who kind of shuts down when stressed or upset, but deep down wants someone to reach out the right way and support them. What feels helpful to you? And yes I have tried asking her and can't really get a straight answer.

Currently, I am working full time while my wife works 2 days a week and focuses on managing the house and our child the other 3 during the workday. The rest of the time (weekends and after work hours) should ideally be split evenly between the two of us (with some give and take depending on what we each have going on at the time). I believe this is a fair setup, and I believe we should equally share the mental load. However, it is not really how things are going. It is completely on me, I am just looking for advice.

I have a chronic illness that is managed for the most part but about 8 months ago I started a really bad flare up. Unable to take a break from work/home responsibilities at first, I reached the worst burnout I have ever experienced and my energy and cognitive functioning absolutely tanked. My wife was super supportive and wanted me to focus on getting better but it hasn't really happened. I am just gradually getting used to this being my new normal. The problem is my memory is horrible right now, I constantly make stupid at times unsafe choices because I am just flat out not thinking. This has led to a lot more of the mental load and household responsibilities on her. Even when I am able to force myself to suck it up and get stuff done, she cant relax because she is worried about how I might mess it up. I am trying to figure out good systems like writing notes and setting reminders, but there are so many things that wouldn't be captured in that. Like forgetting to turn off the stove or putting things "away" in weird places. My performance at work is definitely suffering too which is concerning, but I am also using so much of my limited cognitive abilities there because my job is our main source of income. In addition to my forgetfulness I just feel like I have just not been very thoughtful, which is not the kind of person I want to be.

Usually after a hard conversation about how overwhelmed and neglected she is feeling, I am able to push myself hard for a little while until I crash again and fall back into bad habits. Which again falls into that trope of the shitty husband who fixes his behavior to get his wife to stay and then goes back to being shitty once he feels she is going to stay. I DO NOT WANT TO BE THIS PERSON.

I just do not know what to do. I am so tired and burnt out and I can't even imagine how she is feeling. Every time I miss an opportunity to make her feel loved and seen or have a break I am so mad at myself.

Does anyone have any solid advice to get myself out of this pattern? Comments of "just suck it up and be a better partner" wont be helpful, obviously that is the solution but I am looking for advice to make it last.

Also, my wording isn't meant to be anti-men or anti-husbands, I am just referring to trope that only applies to some husbands (and apparently me).

Currently, I am working full time while my wife works 2 days a week and focuses on managing the house and our child the other 3 during the workday. The rest of the time (weekends and after work hours) should ideally be split evenly between the two of us (with some give and take depending on what we each have going on at the time). I believe this is a fair setup, and I believe we should equally share the mental load. However, it is not really how things are going. It is completely on me, I am just looking for advice.

I have a chronic illness that is managed for the most part but about 8 months ago I started a really bad flare up. Unable to take a break from work/home responsibilities at first, I reached the worst burnout I have ever experienced and my energy and cognitive functioning absolutely tanked. My wife was super supportive and wanted me to focus on getting better but it hasn't really happened. I am just gradually getting used to this being my new normal. The problem is my memory is horrible right now, I constantly make stupid at times unsafe choices because I am just flat out not thinking. This has led to a lot more of the mental load and household responsibilities on her. Even when I am able to force myself to suck it up and get stuff done, she cant relax because she is worried about how I might mess it up. I am trying to figure out good systems like writing notes and setting reminders, but there are so many things that wouldn't be captured in that. Like forgetting to turn off the stove or putting things "away" in weird places. My performance at work is definitely suffering too which is concerning, but I am also using so much of my limited cognitive abilities there because my job is our main source of income. In addition to my forgetfulness I just feel like I have just not been very thoughtful, which is not the kind of person I want to be.

Usually after a hard conversation about how overwhelmed and neglected she is feeling, I am able to push myself hard for a little while until I crash again and fall back into bad habits. Which again falls into that trope of the shitty husband who fixes his behavior to get his wife to stay and then goes back to being shitty once he feels she is going to stay. I DO NOT WANT TO BE THIS PERSON.

I just do not know what to do. I am so tired and burnt out and I can't even imagine how she is feeling. Every time I miss an opportunity to make her feel loved and seen or have a break I am so mad at myself.

Does anyone have any solid advice to get myself out of this pattern? Comments of "just suck it up and be a better partner" wont be helpful, obviously that is the solution but I am looking for advice to make it last.

Also, my wording isn't meant to be anti-men or anti-husbands, I am just referring to trope that only applies to some husbands (and apparently me).