Title. Is any of that an option. I can't get Medicaid, I'm flat broke, and I have no insurance. Any avenues I can consider?? I'm desperate and I'm in enough debt already. I know I did it to myself but I'm still asking. If there's anything there for me
Title says it all. I'm flat broke. But recently I notice I've been having more frequent violent episodes. Usually they're very tame, where I'll think of something from my childhood long enough, and it puts me in a very numb state. Numb but with undertones of maliciousness, and maybe accompanied with a fantasy of me hurting someone, but it never goes past that.
However, when I'm immediately triggered by something troubling, I completely fly off the handle like I just did a few hours ago. When that happens I'm flooded with intense anger where I'll trash anything around me and make a huge mess. I'll almost always resort to cutting myself as much as possible and I become completely numb to who I hurt. Ex. Recently I was triggered by something my bf said and I completely lost my shit. But it can be anything like a sudden troubling realization that my delusional positivity about not being able to pay the bills is just that... delusional. But anyway, I told him "fuck you", to breakup and fuck off, all things I NEVER SAY, but I did while angry. I would never physically hurt him, but emotionally I didn't feel a thing. He was crying and I felt nothing, I still don't but I know I will when I reset.
Then, once the anger subsides. I'm left completely numb like in the first episode. And I feel all sorts of malicious which is where I'm at right now. My bf is probably still crying but I feel nothing. I told him to leave me for his own good and I feel nothing. I kept cutting for a good while but my razor got too dull I think, I'm not even sure why I kept going since I'm not angry anymore, just felt like the right thing to do I suppose. And not a second has passed where I hadn't thought about taking a knife and leaving my room to do you know what. I stare at the pile of stuff I trashed and think about lighting it on fire with myself in it. I once smashed a fellow soldier's head with a lock for bullying me and I felt nothing. It wasn't done out of anger, it was done because I felt disrespected. My boyfriend sent me a text saying he's worried, told me he loves me, sent me a voice message of him crying, and I don't feel any of it.
That IS NOT NORMAL. That is not my baseline. I cry when he's sad, I cry tears of joy when something good happens to him, I cry out of joy when he tells me he loves me, fuck I once cried just because he was sick. I cry when I see sad stuff online, I cry when I see puppies born, I cry when something really good happens to me. THAT'S my baseline. I love my boyfriend more than life itself but right now, as I'm covered in blood from the cutting and covered in knots from hitting myself, I feel ABSOLUTELY nothing and that scares me. Right now I don't even care if he leaves me like I told him to, but I know I'll regret all of this so much and bawl my soul out when I reset again.
TL:DR I need help. I fear for my safety. I fear for the safety of those around me. I need help and I can't afford it. Any avenues I should consider?