Help me before my anxiousness ruins it all. 40F, 36M
Help me.
I can't make this short but hope someone reads this 😅
Im a 40F old female and literally losing my mind. I ended a 20 year relationship last summer and thought I'd be single forever. But no, fell for a dude who's 4 yrs younger than me 36M and now we've been together for 9 months. I guess my feelings were so out in the previous relationship that I didn't gaf anymore. I wanted to break up with him so many times and never had the guts. It was abusive controlling jealousy filled relationship. And now for the first time ever I'm in a healthy or normal relationship. And it's so hard!!!! All my anxieties are trough the roof and I'm behaving the way I never ever thought I would. I hate this and do not know what to do. The list of my problems is so long I possibly can't get into it all but I have age issues, I feel so freaking old and keep thinking he should be with someone way younger. I have Major issues with the way I look. I have lost a shit ton of weight and have loose skin. My neck is bad, my boobs are worse, my belly hangs, loose skin on arms and my thighs are hideous. He's still not seen me fully naked. Keeps saying he doesn't care, it will not change his feelings towards me and he doesn't Rush me. I just can't.. I look so bad. And keep thinking when will he get bored and be like, man I need to see a naked woman I'm sick of this and goes be with someone else. I can't see anything good about myself. I have thin hair, I'm low income and can't spend as much as he can on just having fun, I'm boring, can never come up with fun stuff to do, I'm not funny. Can't even be like 'I'm not pretty but at least I have a great personality'lol. I cannot understand still, what on earth does he see in me. I wake up every day wondering is this the day he finds someone prettier, younger, funnier girl who has an amazing body. Saying all this sound stupid, I know it is but how do I stop this?!?! It's been months and it haven't gotten any better. I started seeing a shrink, hope eventually that would help. I'm super anxiously attached and he's secure. He doesnt text pretty much ever of he doesnt have something important. For me it looked like he doesnt care. He says not texting doesnt mean he doesnt think of me, he knows we'll see after work so he doesnt feel the need to contact all the time. I'm fine with this now just an example. He doesnt need reassurance, he's calm and steady and keeps saying he's not going anywhere. He chose me and loves me. He keeps reassuring me all the time . Which is also why I want to change so bad. He doesnt do anything that would make make me think I cant trust him and I know it will get exhausting for him to keep saying the same things and listen to the same crying all the time. He has healthy self esteem, doesnt dwell on anything or overthink. And I hate myself, think every woman is a threat cause I suck so bad anyone else is better option than me. Also, he has way more female friends than male, which is so hard for me. They are all so much younger than me and so pretty. He keeps saying they're purely friends, which I know but I' so scared feelings develop and he falls for someone else. Being replaced by a better option is my biggest fear and would break my heart. And I keep hearing the advice I need to make myself believe that if we break up, if he falls for someone else, I will survive it. Of course I'd have to but I know it would be SO painful! The fear is making me think I'm better off alone. I could suck on my own, not bother him with my issues, he could have a light bubbly easier girl. That too..he loves it when ppl smile. He fell for me cause I always smiled. I miss that version of me. Now I'm so full of anxiety that the gut feeling and the sadness is making me withdrawn and quiet cause I worry so much all the time. It shows and I cant be light for the life of me. If I know my problems, why can't I do anything about it. Get these bursts of 'fk this, I'm done living in this grief of loss even I havent lost anything and dunno if i ever will. I will be a new version of me, if I get an anxious thought, it will pass, I will ignore it and live my life. I can prove myself that shit doesnt hit the fan the second I allow myself to be happy.'.. and I feel so confident that yes, I can do this. Then he mentions he went to see his female friend after work on the way home. My stomache drops and my body feels like something bad is happening and then I feel like crying before I manage to convince myself everything is ok. It makes me feel so hopeless, scared I'll always feel this shittt and will never allow myself to relax and be happy. Has anyone managed to get over this??????????? Help me.
Ps I know my worth doesnt depend on his emotions and actions etc etc. It doesnt help 🫣
Pps even he doesnt give me reasons to not trust him, he does enjoy being the guy women like, he's tall and strong, bearded guy with big arms and tattoos. I can see he likes showing it off and enjoys the women around. No matter how loyal he is 😅