u/Few-Mouse1031

I’m sharing this because I’m wondering if anyone has has similar experiences. For background, I was sexually abused for the first 12 years of my life (it was extreme and my father is now in prison for 20 to life). There were other adults involved, but many were just bystanders.

I framed the title of this like a question because I’m not sure if grooming was the intention. Grooming is the manipulation that leads to normalizing (in this case) sexual abuse of a child. In my case, my mother and father were very sexual around me. My mother made me make out with my father for a game we would play. Now, I was a willing participant in the game (which involved me, my sister, and my mother kissing my father while he was blindfolded, and then he’d guess who was kissing him, I was about 6 years old, maybe younger), but I didn’t like using my tongue. My mother encouraged it so that he wouldn’t be able to tell who was kissing him more easily, and one time she held my face against his for a while. Now, she didn’t know my father was abusing me alone, but my father used these experiences to make me watch videos and teach me how to “French kiss” him and kiss in other ways. He was also likely already orally raping me at this point, according to statements from other adults in my life (starting from when I was an infant he would sexually talk about me, nobody did anything).

They also had sex around me all of the time. My father got off to this, I think, because he’d sometimes compare my body to my mother’s and talk about sex he was having while hurting me. It’s one of the most sickening things to me, because how can I look at my mother now, who technically didn’t hurt me, but who I know way too much about? Who my father would likely sometimes have sex with before/after having sex with me?

My mother said she had a bad feeling about him “once in a blue moon,” but what about all of the stuff she did see? I don’t know. I love her and feel overdramatic, but my body and my self and my family makes me physically sick. I hate that I grew up in such a house. The DA assistant (prosecutor) who worked on the case told me my mother would be arrested too, if she weren’t so helpful. She may not have known he was raping me, but she knew a lot. The home was just shitty.

Sorry for the rant and thank you for reading.

I was wondering if, as a biological sciences major, it would be easier to take calc based physics or algebra based physics? I was initially a physics major and last semester I took 107, it was awful, and I got a C+ (I deserved an F lol I truly learned nothing). I don’t feel the need to retake it because my gpa is fine (3.7), so I was thinking of doing sequence 1 with physics 101 instead. I think taking 108 would kill me. I’m not bad at math, it’s my best subject, but god physics killed me, I just didn’t get the formulas at all. I got As in all of my other courses (gen chem, calc 1 and 2, etc). Do people have an easier time with physics 101 than 107? Is it just a professor thing? Are there any professors you guys recommend?

Sorry, I know this is an extremely specific (and maybe dumb) question. I need an honest answer. I have never had a pap smear and I’m not even 21 yet. I’ve been seeing mixed results, that if someone is a virgin and never plans to be sexually active they don’t really need a pap smear (?) I was wondering what the case would be if someone was previously sexually active years and years and years ago, but is no longer and doesn’t plan to be again.

I don’t want to be ungrateful. My mother is a wonderful woman now, I have a lot of freedom, I’m 20 years old and very self motivated because I’ve taken care of myself my whole life. I have few memories of my mother from my childhood. Most of my memories are of my father, who abused and exploited me from the infancy up until I was 12 years old. I have not known a life without sex. He is now in prison for 20 to life.

My mother was in the same home, and she claims to have not noticed things while simultaneously telling me stories of her directly seeing abuse and she was a witness in court. The DA’s assistant said she’d likely be charged too if she weren’t so helpful.

I just want to list the things my mother knew/saw, only the sexual things, even though there were other forms of abuse. To be fair, she didn’t know about the extreme stuff, she didn’t know I was raped, or any of that. She’s not that awful. I just still feel on edge around her to this day, and it’s been over 7 years since the last time I was raped. She’s not even the one who hurt me and she wants me to move on since my father is in prison. She’s doesn’t think I should worry.

She told me that my father made sexualized comments about me when I was a baby including oral comments. From as young as I can remember, I watched my parents have sex, they’d keep going when I was there, and my father got off to that (my mother likely didn’t know that part). We had a kissing game in which my mother would tell me how to kiss my father, with tongue and for longer periods of time, so that when he was closing his eyes he would think it was her. I hated doing this because I hated using tongue. We had these little sex wind up toys around the house, so my siblings and I were exposed to that too. My mother rubbed cream on my vulva up until I was about 8 which was always red/sore/bumpy because of the rape I was experiencing, she didn’t know that was why though. She walked in on him doing sketchy stuff a few times, though I can’t remember all of the details. She watched him watch me masturbate when I was 8-10ish, as he made comments on my body and compared it to her’s in a sexual manner. There is more, but I can’t remember it clearly enough, and some out of context messages we went through in court in which I would ask her “help me” and she would ignore. I also feel like it’s important to note that the fact that my father wanted extra alone time with me was an open thing in our family and something my mother acknowledges herself. She tells me she used to occasionally get bad feelings about it. He would rape me while she was home, sometimes he would have sex with her after me (when I was much younger, not really past the time I was 9). When I was in elementary school, the school nurse called her out of concern I was being sexually abused, those words exactly, and my mother denied it, but nobody ever even spoke to me. She also knew when my father took me out to the man he exploited me to in the dead of night, she just didn’t even notice us return until we got back (to be totally fair, we were out of state and she was probably distracted because we were at a party with her family).

Thing is, my mother just doesn’t get it. Even the things she acknowledges and fully remembers, she doesn’t accept as wrongdoing. I just feel so hurt and my body feels messed up around her too. I feel bad for feeling bad because she wasn’t even the person who hurt me.

Please feel free to share your own experiences or thoughts. I appreciate all of you who have read all of this :( 💕