Disclaimer: I initially posted this to a German sub, but it got removed. I didn’t want to type everything again in English, so I used AI to translate the text. Hope that’s okay. Here’s the post:
Warning: This will probably be long and somewhat confusing. Thanks in advance for reading through it.
I don’t really know where to start. 7 years ago my father passed away, that’s probably where the “downward spiral” started.
The time after that was hard. I was 21 at the time and still in training. My plan was to move to a university city where many of my friends live after finishing my training and start a degree based on it. That plan got canceled. Suddenly I had financial responsibilities (the house wasn’t fully paid off yet) and many duties that my father used to take care of, which now had to be handled by me.
I still find that sad. But I’m not unhappy with my current professional situation. I earn above average, I enjoy my job and have nice colleagues. If things stay like this, I could imagine working there until retirement (haha, good joke).
My mother was/is an emotional wreck, so I became the one who takes care of everything. I still am, at least when it comes to insurance, finances, technical/handyman stuff and contracts (electricity, gas, internet, etc.).
My sister, 3 years younger than me, also lived in the house at that time. I tried to keep most of the new responsibilities away from her. In return, she put much more effort than me into the household. Cleaning and tidying up was mostly her responsibility, even if more out of necessity than willingness.
Our mother has an alcohol problem. A pretty serious one if you ask us. Sometimes it works for a while, but there are always reasons to drink again. You know how it is.
She tried inpatient detox 2–3 times but always quit after a few days. “They’re all mean to me”, “I have to sit in groups with real addicts, that’s scary”, “I can do it on my own, I don’t want to go back to that dump”… well, she can’t do it on her own.
I’ve given up trying to push her in that direction. If there is no willingness from the patient, it’s wasted effort, even if I wish it was different. Still, the addiction problem is a huge part of everything.
Earlier this year it got to the point that I quit my part-time further education. I realized I don’t have enough time. Full-time job, basically maintaining a whole house on my own AND the additional education was too much. For the foreseeable future I would have had no time for personal life, sports or hobbies. So I decided, also considering my currently good job situation, to drop it. Since then, the house looks much better again and I feel like it was the right decision. Still, it bothers me because I already invested a lot of time into it and the sunk cost fallacy kicks in.
That’s the “backstory”.
By now, my sister has been living somewhere else for over a year. She lives with her partner, they’re expecting their first child soon and are very happy about it. That also means she barely has time to help around the house anymore. Which is completely fine. I’m happy for them and wouldn’t want it any other way. I also offer my help where I can, partly because I’m financially better off and can do a lot of handyman work myself.
But it reinforces the feeling that I have to do “everything alone” when it comes to the family home / our mother. I regularly tell my sister that it’s exactly right for her to focus on her new small family. So there’s absolutely no bad blood between us. That’s actually the most harmonious family relationship I have.
But it obviously doesn’t make things easier for me.
The house belongs 50/50 to my sister and me. Our mother has lifelong residence rights.
In terms of work, I do 100%, logically, since I live here and my sister doesn’t. Costs are paid from a joint account, which we fill 75/25 (me/her). My mother transfers some “rent”, I’m just mentioning that for completeness.
After excluding costs my sister shouldn’t have to pay (electricity, gas etc.), it still results in me paying more than her. In return I don’t pay rent, but I do all the work alone and my sister doesn’t really have the means to make this arrangement more fair financially or in terms of work.
I don’t think it will necessarily come to this, but one of my current worries is: in a few years the house will be paid off. My sister doesn’t want to spend her whole life in this village and currently doesn’t want to move back into the house. That would mean I would eventually buy her out and take over the house completely.
So far so good, but I’m worried that it might not be entirely fair. How will my work be accounted for? How will the extra money I paid for the house and maintenance be handled?
I almost feel ashamed thinking about this, because like I said, my sister and I are a great team. Trauma bonding is real, I guess.
But the concerns are still very real.
I would also like to live on my own. Even if it’s just for 10 years. But I’m not financially well off enough to pay for both the house and a decent apartment for myself. Also, the work here would just pile up, so I would still be at the family house several times a week. It all just feels shitty.
My relationship with my mother and grandmother (who also lives in the house) is, to put it mildly, difficult. They constantly argue with each other and try to make me the mediator. “Text grandma/mom XY” is something I hear several times a week, even though they live right next to each other.
Whenever I try to get things done around the house (gardening, clearing stuff out, etc.), they find reasons to argue, then disappear into their rooms and I’m left sitting there alone.
That’s another reason why I want to move out. But like I said, if I do that, the whole household will probably fall apart quickly.
My grandmother is retired and should be able to enjoy her remaining years. My mother has very unstable income. Because of her psychological and addiction issues, but also because she never completed any formal education. She jumps from temp job to temp job, gets upset quickly when “young lazy idiots” or “old condescending men” (i.e. supervisors) tell her what to do or don’t listen to her ideas.
I offered to support her financially if she did an apprenticeship, but she refuses. “I have to work, we need money for the house”… while not realizing that this is exactly why she keeps earning minimum wage or sometimes nothing at all.
I’m constantly busy helping my family and working. Besides my sister, mother and grandmother, there is also another grandmother where I regularly help with small things.
So I’m always surrounded by people. At the same time, I feel more lonely every week.
Most of my friends moved away after school to study. I have acquaintances here and some people I could hang out with. But they’re not really “my people”, if you know what I mean. I value deep friendships and I feel like I’m losing those connections. We see each other maybe 5–6 times a year, but that doesn’t feel like enough.
I also have hobbies and go to smaller events regularly, so I do meet new people. But that doesn’t seem to be enough either.
Another point is that I’m slowly open to a relationship again. I’ve been single for a long time. After my father’s death I didn’t have the headspace for it.
But I also don’t know how I would meet someone. My hobbies are very male-dominated. The few women you meet are usually there with their partners.
Also, I don’t even think I’m ready for a relationship right now. I still have a lot of work to do on myself before I can offer something to another person. This conflict between “you want this” and “you’re not ready for this” is bothering me.
I also don’t want to start a relationship just for the sake of having one. It should fit. Both people should be okay with themselves and not just use the other person as an emotional sponge (me).
All of this combined leads to my baseline mood being slightly negative most of the time. Maybe neutral. But I’m rarely “happy” with my day anymore. There’s always something weighing on me. Family stress, dissatisfaction with my life situation, dissatisfaction with myself.
On top of that, there are bigger issues: problems in the country / the world. Social division, inflation. You mostly hear negative things, both in your personal circle and globally.
So… what now? I don’t even know what kind of advice I’m asking for. Maybe I just wanted to get this off my chest.
I’ve talked about parts of this with close friends before, but never all at once. Usually only the thing that bothered me most at the time, and even then only on the surface.
To my friends I seem completely different: grown-up, structured, someone who has at least a rough idea about everything. I’m often the one people ask for advice.
But inside I feel like a big kid with responsibility and money. If it were at least “fuck you money”… but no. It’s good money, enough to live well. But not enough to afford house + apartment or just ignore everything.
TL;DR: Complicated family situation, feeling lonely, financial worries despite being in a relatively privileged position. And now? No idea. I guess I’ll go to work tomorrow and do some gardening afterwards.
Thanks for reading. Even more thanks if anyone has a good idea. Have a nice Sunday.