u/Fickle_Rub9004

I’m a 23 F and I just got a job. Few months back my mother and me and my brother moved out because my father was insanely toxic and abusive to us. we planned out the move out years back and decided to because my mother alone cannot handle expenses at that time. Now that I have a joby salary adds on. Now i have problems with my mother too. It’s just I’m angry towards. You can check out my acc there’s a post regarding my mother. I know it’s cruel, I love her so much but I can’t. I said I’m planning for my studying post graduation in UK, have a counsellor who’s checking on me but I don’t have enough money to do. I need to go to UK anyhow I mean I want to be with them from a distance. I need any way to earn money which I can save up for the study abroad move out. Definitely not like this year but next year. Any suggestions anything works for me. Thank you

I’m a 22F and I’ve had a difficult relationship with my mother (45F) for as long as I can remember. We’ve obviously known each other my whole life, but emotionally we were never very close growing up because of family dynamics and constant conflict at home.

As a child, I was scared of her. She would yell at me, hit me, and call me lazy, weak-willed, clumsy, depressed, and even a “bad omen” sometimes. At the same time, I know she loved me in her own way, which makes my feelings toward her very confusing. My father also created a very toxic “divide and rule” environment in the family, which damaged our relationship further.

My mom had a difficult upbringing herself and often talks about how her own parents controlled her appearance, clothes, and choices. Now I feel like she repeats those same patterns with me. We come from a conservative family, and even though I earn money myself, she still strongly controls what I wear and how I present myself.

I’ve spent most of my life trying to become the “perfect daughter” so she would finally approve of me. I got good grades, achievements, and tried not to disappoint my parents. Recently my therapist told me that I seem stuck in a cycle of constantly chasing my mother’s validation, and that I may never fully receive the approval I’m looking for. That realization affected me a lot emotionally.

I recently tried to talk to my mom calmly about how I’ve been feeling and what my therapist said. Before I could fully explain myself, she shut the conversation down, said she didn’t like what I was saying, and implied my brother was more mature than me and should speak instead. That hurt deeply and brought up a lot of anger and resentment.

Right now I feel emotionally exhausted, depressed, insecure, and trapped between wanting peace with her and wanting distance from her. Part of me wants to move out eventually, but financially and emotionally I don’t feel ready yet.

For people who grew up in similar family situations:

How did you stop tying your self-worth to parental approval?