u/FinalShelter3294

Hi Reddit. It’s me, Undatable, 51F.

Today I am wondering what happened to shame. Not the kind where you hide who you are, but the kind where you pace the reveal.

I didn’t appreciate it when I was young, but looking back, I see how shame really had its benefits. It was like a social filter that encouraged people not to show up with all their shit in tow. As a society, I think it may be time to bring it back.

A few weeks back, I met a man for drinks. Things were going well. We were talking, laughing, getting comfortable. At some point, I mentioned that I had lost a lot of weight over the past year, that I am feeling stronger, and honestly, having a workout time has become one of the most important parts of my day.

I am a glutton for punishment. So it won't surprise anyone here that after all that, I flirtatiously asked him, “So, how do I look?”, all while batting my baby blues.

He told me, without blinking, that I should keep working hard to get down to 130 lbs.

That's just 25 more pounds!

Well, okay, man. People have their preferences. Instead of taking it personally, I'm going to laugh it off, blame myself for even asking, and hope you meant well.

He excused himself to go to the restroom. I somehow never see these things coming, but his comfort level was apparently off the chain by this point. So much so that on his way back, he reached over, pulled my hair back from behind, and asked if I was submissive.

“Nah,” I said. “I am completely ungovernable.” We laughed and laughed some more. Unsure if we were laughing at the same thing. Anyway, I soon said goodnight.

I met that guy IRL, so later, feeling a little dismayed, I signed into a dating app. I hit a like and fairly soon after received a reply.

“Hey,” he wrote, “How would you like your very own Daddy? I’m really into the Daddy / Little dynamic and you would make a great little.”

Unmatch.

Next, a man who seemed relatively sound. Good job, lives a few hours away, in town for a work event. Managed to make it 48 hours without mentioning his sexual preferences, so naturally I'm curious. He invited me to dinner with dancing and I accepted.

Earlier, he had said he was working on himself with hopes of entering a strongman competition. From what I could tell that night, though, he hasn't actually had a chance to get started on any training yet.

That's okay. I'm here for the man, not his body.

We went up to his room so I could leave my bag, and I noticed this huge pile of candy on the desk. Now I am not saying I'm perfect. I love candy too, just not in bulk. Out of pure shame, I would have put that out of sight knowing I had a guest.

We went on to enjoy a nice dinner. He had told me beforehand that he didn’t drink. Imagine my surprise when he brought out a literal ton of liquor for the after-party and then, rather promptly, was the first one to take a shot after dinner.

On one hand, it’s great to see these things right away. I don’t feel that I wasted any time with any of these men. I went for the experience, had it, and walked away with little more than a story to tell.

But, Reddit, I low-key miss the mystery.

The limerence before seeing all the mess.

After this past year of dating, I am here to propose a rather modest solution:

Bring back the fucks.

Bring back shame to dating.

Please, woo me. Treat me. Put your best foot forward!

Hide the sad, weird shit for at least three dates.

Let me discover your questionable tastes and behaviors gradually.

Let me fall head over heels in love before I ever see the real you.

I miss this.

I actually think I need this, Reddit. Otherwise, how the hell am I supposed to keep dating?

Dear Reddit, I am officially un-dateable.

A year ago, I spotted my “boyfriend” of six years grocery shopping with another woman. We weren't living together or anything, so it was a clean break. Since then, I’ve had a very hot and cold situationship that unsurprisingly went down in flames after eight months, and numerous other dating encounters that have left me scratching my head in wonder. Some of them I’ve written about here on Reddit.

It wasn’t one thing, but over the year it seems that my tolerance has gotten crazy low. So low that I’m starting to think I'm the problem. I am officially un-dateable.

For example, this week I had a nice dinner with a seemingly kind man. He brought flowers, was on time, and was a gentleman. He has a challenging job he seems happy with. He asked me what three songs described my life right now. It was clever, and I had fun thinking up my answers.

When it was his turn, he chose “It Isn’t What You Have (It’s What You Do With It)” by The Temptations.

Later, when talking about his divorce, he said his lawyer “took his wife to the cleaners.” He then bragged about letting her car get repossessed and how that allowed him to get a brand-new truck that was parked outside. Apparently, it has a screen for the passenger so they can play games on the road.

My body stayed for the rest of the dinner, but my mind left right around the time he said, “She claimed I was turning the boys against her.”

And all I could think was: How did I get myself into this dating hell? This cannot be life at 51.

Maybe I’m exaggerating. I’m not un-dateable. I have a stable life, I take care of myself, I exercise, and I try to treat people well. I'm normally very easygoing. A live-and-let-live kind of gal. But my tolerance for things that would have once made me say, “Well, he’s nice… let me give him a chance,” has simply tanked.

So, Reddit, what do you do when you start feeling un-dateable?

A few weeks ago I posted wondering if I was attracting men who seemed to need something from me. Now I'm wondering if the real problem is that I start feeling responsible for meeting expectations very early in dating.

I (50F) recently met a widower. He's a genuinely kind man, devoted to his kids, and from everything he's shared, he was a loving husband. On paper, he has a lot of qualities I admire.

The challenge is that I feel overwhelmed instead of excited.

We've only known each other about a month. We have met for coffee and dinner, but he's already sending long strings of texts and photos throughout the day, talking about how good he feels about "us," and looking for ways to spend more time together.

For example, I told him this weekend I would be helping my daughter move into college. At first, he tried to make plans anyway. I explained that my schedule was set and I'm not going to change my plans. Later, he joked about stopping by my work to steal a kiss. When I brushed that off, he suggested I take a vacation day, or even a sick day, so we could spend time making out.

I know some people would find that flattering. My immediate reaction is dread.

I'm trying to figure out whether this is simply a difference in pace. I've been divorced for a long time, and I am most comfortable when relationships unfold naturally. He was married for many years and only started dating again after losing his wife. My kids are grown and his are still young, so I know we're in different seasons of life. I wonder if we're just approaching dating from very different places.

What is really bothering me is this feeling that I'm constantly managing his expectations. Even something as simple as receiving 5–10 texts while I'm working leaves me feeling more obligated to respond than excited to see his name pop up.

I'm curious how others would read this. Is this simply someone expressing interest in a way that's incompatible with my style, or is my reaction telling me the chemistry just isn't there?

In my last post, many people felt that early discomfort could be a sign to move on. For those of you who have experienced something similar, did you try slowing the pace and setting boundaries, or did you find that the mismatch in pace was a sign the relationship wasn't right? How did you handle it?

A few weeks ago I posted wondering if I was attracting men who seemed to need something from me. Now I'm wondering if the real problem is that I start feeling responsible for meeting expectations very early in dating.

I (50F) recently met a widower. He's a genuinely kind man, devoted to his kids, and from everything he's shared, he was a loving husband. On paper, he has a lot of qualities I admire.

The challenge is that I feel overwhelmed instead of excited.

We've only known each other about a month. We have met for coffee and dinner, but he's already sending long strings of texts and photos throughout the day, talking about how good he feels about "us," and looking for ways to spend more time together.

For example, I told him this weekend I would be helping my daughter move into college. At first, he tried to make plans anyway. I explained that my schedule was set and I'm not going to change my plans. Later, he joked about stopping by my work to steal a kiss. When I brushed that off, he suggested I take a vacation day, or even a sick day, so we could spend time making out.

I know some people would find that flattering. My immediate reaction is dread.

I'm trying to figure out whether this is simply a difference in pace. I've been divorced for a long time, and I am most comfortable when relationships unfold naturally. He was married for many years and only started dating again after losing his wife. My kids are grown and his are still young, so I know we're in different seasons of life. I wonder if we're just approaching dating from very different places.

What is really bothering me is this feeling that I'm constantly managing his expectations. Even something as simple as receiving 5–10 texts while I'm working leaves me feeling more obligated to respond than excited to see his name pop up.

I'm curious how others would read this. Is this simply someone expressing interest in a way that's incompatible with my style, or is my reaction telling me the chemistry just isn't there?

In my last post, many people felt that early discomfort could be a sign to move on. For those of you who have experienced something similar, did you try slowing the pace and setting boundaries, or did you find that the mismatch in pace was a sign the relationship wasn't right? How did you handle it?

I (50F) have been divorced for about 15 years. During that time, I've worked hard, sometimes juggling two or three jobs while raising two kids and I recently finished my graduate degree. I'm in a stable place in life and would genuinely love to find a partner.

Lately, though, I've started wondering if I'm attracting men now who are looking for help rather than a relationship.

For example, one man text me saying he was waiting for his 21-year-old daughter to cook dinner, but she went out instead, so he ended up eating snacks. Then he asked if I cook.

Another man asked what I do for work on the side. I explained that I work remotely, and he immediately asked if I could teach him how to do the same thing so he could make extra money. I sent him a link to apply, and he seemed disappointed.

Neither of these is a dealbreaker on its own, but together it made me pause and reflect on the kinds of dynamics that show up early in dating at this age.

I’m curious how others experience this stage of dating over 50. Do you run into similar conversations, or am I just having an unusual run of matches?

Has anyone else dating over 50 noticed this? Is this just bad luck on my part?