I think Im beyond saving.
M24. After I reached 18yo, my life went downhill.
Failed to study for an university course, apart from a e-relationship, I've never dated before. Fell into porn addiction, and all of my experiences in the job market were awful. Toxic customers, unrealistic goals, low wages, and a huge struggle just to get an bad job.
To gets matters worse, my mom got my documents and made a lot of debts on my name without my consent, blackmailing me emotionally and using her position as my mom to her advantage, and taking away most of my wage. The home enviroment got worse and worse, until I got expelled from home. I had to find a shitty job in a hurry, then live alone, wich I did.
However, I had to eat only one meal per day, with barely any food variety (just rice, beans and chicken nuggets every day) in order to save anything in the end of the month, thanks to the low wage. And the job enviroment was an absolute hell. Toxic customers, overworking, inhumane schedule, to the point of not even my days off getting respected.
Out of desperation, I begged my father to pay an university course for me (computer science), so I moved to my grandmas house, on the other side of the country.
Despite enjoying the course and having good grades, I still dont feel any better, because due to the job market state and my previous experiences, I'm at constant fear of doing everthing right, just to get nothing, and having to suffer on awful jobs again. There are days were I just dont wanna do anything, just be laid down on the bed, waiting for something bad to happen with me. Why should I try if even people with lots of knowledge and experience cant get anything?
Not only that, but my mind is FUCKED. Anger issues, porn addiction, constant fear, feeling useless, procastination, and loneliness. I've already lost account on how many times I looked for professional help. Spent a lot of resources on therapy and psychologist/psychiatrists/medicine, yet my state never improved. Just got worse and worse. Two months ago I ditched another professional, and i vowed to never ever pay for an therapy again, since it doesnt help me. Like the title says: I think im beyond saving.
Fear of not getting anything on life, fear of being beyong any cure, and since I've never dated and always were an failure in therms of dating/romance/sex, thinking I will die alone. (Also, how can I sustain an relationship without a proper job/sanity?), and last but not less important, absolutely hating myself for all of it. It already happened several times of me insulting myself, or even trying to hurt myself, including: self choking, self punching, self multilation attempts, or even suicidal attempts.
People tell me to love myself more, to value myself more, but how? How can I love myself if Im a porn addicted piece of shit unable to get any proper job, to date anyone and be an fucking adult, who is living for free on his grandma's house?