u/Financial_Radish5230

hi everyone! my gf (25f) and i (25f) haven't had sex in awhile, maybe 2-3 times this year and i'm tired of it!!! we've been together 3 years and have a great relationship, we've had our ups and downs but are always able to come to understandings.

years 0-2, were so sweet and honeymoon. diving right into it, my gf, let's call her Jane, was extremely unregulated in the sense that things would be amazing but then she would have these huge anxiety blowouts typically around her period or when she spent time with family. it's hard to explain but think like crying and anxiety-backed worry-attacks. in some cases, they would arise when i would bring up feedack ab something i didn't like about something she was doing/how we were doing things. it was really hard to deal with because in the end Jane would see my pov but it always created this internal spiral for her. she was never rude/mean to me about it, but getting her to fully understand and stop spiraling could take anywhere from a few hours to a few days which was exhausting.

in my own therapy, i realized my ways of bringing things up weren't the best. we have both worked towards fixing our communiction in this sense and it hasn't happened in awhile. in the past 6 months, after Jane getting a new therapist, she started finding ways to cope with her bigger feelings and i learned how to speak more feelings-forward. a lot of the issues arose because, in her childhood, she would be shunned for doing something "wrong" and in conflict, i need shut-down time to process.

since then, and around those moments, we have a fantastic relationship. we are good friends, truly love being around each other, and enjoy a lot of the same things. she is also so so supportive of me branching out and trying new things to find streams of income and find out what i like. i.e. if i have an event, Jane will drop everything to attend and help with setup/takedown and be there front row encouragingly.

when it comes to sex, i'm usually the blocker and it sucks. i don't know what was going on with me or why i can't seem to bring myself to want it/initiate it. i'm not and have never been the most "out there" person but i enjoy flirting/banter a lot. i'm bi but i've only had experience with women but even at that - not a lot. before coming out as bi, i thought i was ace. i don't even use my spicy toys very often...

banter (which i love) used to stress my gf out but she's learning/learned to enjoy it. i weirdly get stressed when we do it because i feel like there's all this pressure that gets so overwhelming i can't really get into it with her or enjoy it like i do (playfully) with my friends. but there's something about the nature of with her it feels charged and therefore scary. which like why!!! she has never made me feel pressured and in fact does the complete opposite and has been extremely respectful of my reluctance... another thing we don't match up on is pda - she loves it and i'm overwhelmed by it. we have had issues in the past about this but i am aand have been working towards liking it in platonic and romantic settings, i find it very beautiful and admire friendships/relationships where ppl are touchy!

ok i feel like i'm rambling but i just want to know what's going on with me and with us. it weighs on both of us that we don't have sex and i find myself feeling super guilty for feeling urges at random strangers or new characters in my life. i guess necessary context on me is that in 2023 (a few months after we were together) i started a remote job which i hated, i moved cities (conveniently) closer to her and created a new friend group, but from 8am-6pm every day i was miserable until i was fired because the company was underperforming. since september 2025, i've been unemployed and recently, my benefits ended. it's been a grueling past 6-9 months and i can see myself becoming bitter about it. i hate my now soft body becuase i can't afford a gym membership after being a lifelong athlete and "firm" and i feel useless. i spend my days applying to jobs and working part time jobs. i live with roommates who (very uniquely) all love their jobs. i recently joined a gym with workout classes at a discount after realizing that my mental health had severely declined.

i know i can't expect to have sex if I don't feel my best, but is that really the case for the past 2 years? i think the first year we had a more "normal" sexual occurence (2-3 times a week) and it gradually declined. i was on antidepressants for anxiety in year 2 which i stopped in hopes it would impact my weight gain and lack of sex drive but that was months ago.

we're planning to see a couples therapist soon, i'm excited and nervous because i want things to change but i also am scared about the potential expense. i'm mostly worried because i don't understand what my blockers are and why i have them. i feel bad about all of it because it makes her feel undesirable which is never how i want to make anyone feel. also as i mentioned before, i'm bi and most times if i have a fleeting strike of passion with a random stranger or new friend, they tend to be male (though when i was single i never acted on or felt any real urges from a guy).
oh also! additional info is i have an ex which was a crazy relationship. it ended about a year prior after i broke up with her 3 times over the course of several months. in that relationship (as it was my first) i had no idea what boundaries looked like and we would have sex every night to the point where it would be painful for me or i'd feel a lot of pressure if we didn't have sex that something was wrong. i think my ex and i both mightve contributed to this dynamic but i blocked most of it out because after the trauma of the third time breaking up with her (aka reiterating that we broke up after i ended things months prior) it felt relevant to share!

thanks in advance and hopefully someone's able to make sense of all this!! and no i am not interested in adding another person

i 25F have been with my girlfriend 25f for almost 3 years and our relationship is amazing. she genuinely makes me feel so loved, supported, and cared for. we live apart but in the same city and enjoy a lot of the same things; we have our own separate friend groups and some mutuals as well as our respective roommates who we're friends with. our life is wonderful and i feel so safe and happy with her. background about me: i didn't do much until college and even then it took until my junior year. i had lots of friends who got attention and i myself get attention when i go out and while i enjoy flirting, i never wanted to act on it. i even thought i was ace before realizng i was gay/bi/whatever but after rrealizing that, i didn't do much either. i've only had one other relationship which started/ended kinda weirdly (i had to break up with her 3x), but throughout that relationship, i sort of knew we weren't right for eachother but ignored the very aggressive red flags... it was also my first relationship and i was excited so i potentially willfully ignored them.

lately, i've been learning about relationship ocd and in my therapy also maye think i have ocd. social media sucks and i feel like i frequently see posts about breakups or "reasons i knew my X year relationship wasn't right for me" and i think it's super triggering for me. among other things, social media is one of the main things that i can point to that makes me spiral. i start to wonder about our future together, if we're right for each other, if we're wanting the same things in life (which we do and we have conversations all the time), and so much more. we have great communication skills and we argue sometimes, but it's typically when one of our anxieties flare up which i've been doing more and more lately. i lost my job back in september of 2025 and have been applying like crazy ever since. the job market sucks and i've made it to the final round after about 8 rounds about 5ish times only to be turned around for being "too young".

i guess to summarize, i think my anxiety has been mega spiked lately and i'm starting to notice very obvious rumination/compulsive cycles or thoughts. i will get an idea in my head that something about her is wrong whether it be she doesn't work out "enough" which is so hypocritical because i don't work out regularly and i would want to do it more. But when I have these thoughts, it spirals until it's the only thing i can consider. also it's not true, she literally works out every morning so i have no idea where it comes from. or it'll be that she does something like idk not share my sense of humor or not want to go out one night and then it'll cause a spiral like would my future perfect partner do things differently? and maybe we should break up because she likes thin mints and i don't. it's even gotten to the point where she will laugh at a joke and i won't and i'll start to worry that that means we aren't compatible and start to judge myself/her and figure out the root of whatever it is. it's exhausting.

i also am very social and frequently make new friends. sometimes, i fall into these crazy spirals where (typically with my guy friends) i wonder if my life would be better with them and they're better suited for me and whatever in me needs fixing would be fixed if i was with them... it's so fucked up. especially because when it wears off, i'm back to normal and i don't want them anymore at all. it's like the inconsistency is what i'm searching for? then, when i go back with her, i'm confident i made the right choice but feeling so guilty that i even had "doubts" and wondering if that makes me a bad person and what that says about me and if it would be different... typically, i feel clarity in bed at night about to sleep. but then i wake up and something makes the worries flare up again. 99% of my friends are single and 100% of the ones in my immediate life are. my best friend lives hours away and she's in a relationship but she's thinking about marriage/engagement stuff and my gf and i are nowhere near ready for that. living apart was something we both wanted as we wanted to enjoy our 20s and not rush things, both having parents with... let's say strained relationships. but then i worry if that makes me/us bad because we aren't trying to be married anytime soon.

i guess it feels like i have no one to turn to with these thought loops, i have a therapist but we meet once a week and that doesn't feel like enough time to really nip these thoughts in the butt. she's also kinda new so we're still doing a bit of intake so i can't really say anything against her. i also can't afford meeting more frequently.

what do i do to stop the cycles? i'm so exhausted by chasing certainty. i know for a fact i'm happy now so why can't i just let that be? i also want to add that we've had some conversations about my nerves and she's very aware of my journey towards understanding my potential ocd and she's supportive and is good at catching reassurance loops which sometimes sucks for me but i appreciate her sm for it