u/FindingOk7331

I posted on different sub reddits to gain a perspective.

Long story short, I got fired Tuesday. On 2 separate occasions, I flipped out on my woman boss to the point I'm slamming my hands on tables in front of her. I don't justify this behavior nor those actions. I never justified it in any of those posts. But I guess I never conveyed my frustrations with myself. And It does seem like I'm justifying some things due to my undiagosed neurodivergentcy. And I am.

At this point, Im 96% in the wrong. I understand where I messed up. I understand where i fell short. And I recognize all my faults these 4 months of employment... but my mind can not fully accept I'm in the wrong.

Let me clear. I'm 34 years old. Sometime from 9 years old to 18, I've had therapy/psychiatrist. Was diagnosed with depression and EBD diagnosis, but not neurodivergent. I figured that out sometime around 30. A situation happened at 31 that made look at my life from other people's perspective and I realized that I've fucked up alot throughout. Never truly knowing the gravity of my actions till then. Why family/friend relationships are non-existent. Why I jumped jobs and did a lot of dumb, naive, arrogant things.

So understand, neurodivergent is my excuse. I fucking hate it. But I would rather have this as an excuse than nothing at all. Which is what I've been doing all my life. Back then when I fucked up, it wasn't my fault. You're wrong. Sure, I can admit I messed up. But in my mind, you messed up more. In my mind, I didn't mess up for being 15 years old without a license, taking your car to go to a store that's walking distance away. It's your fault for parking in front of the car I wanted to take. That's how dense I was.

I could sit here and explain why I feel 96% in the wrong. But this is already a good chapters worth. I'll say, I've been a working man since I was 15. This is the 5th time I flipped out on a boss. It's been a long time since the last one. There are a lot of circumstances and such that lead to what I believe was a misunderstanding of my character/personality. And I ended up acting and reacting like they thought I would. I believe if my boss was experienced enough, I would've conducted myself better. Because I have improved before. But I as take two forward. For me, I took 5 steps back.

Thank those that all of this and the last two posts and commented. Whether you gave positive/negative/plain harsh comments, I did absorb. Doing some reflection. And will improve from this.

To those that suggest therapy. Stop. Personally, I think people wouldn't be on reddit, putting their life into a post if they had therapy/criticism they needed irl.

So two days ago I was fired from my kitchen job. I verbally lashed out at a woman boss and coworker. alwhile, lunch service was happening. Once I realized I was fired, I unleashed all my frustrations. Got the point that I was slamming my hands on tables in front of her. And she was visibly shaking.

First, I need to be clear. I am an asshole for verbally flipping out and slamming my hands, especially in front of a woman, period. All the "healing and fixing my bullshit" completely went out of the window, and I feel a little ashamed about that....

But I'm neurodivergent. Undiagnosed at that, so my brain can clearly admit the mistake... but it's also justifying it. Basically, I had every right to be wrong. Not how I expressed my frustrations, but that I had a massive amount of frustration I couldn't contain anymore.

I was the only black male in this kitchen of 3 people, including my boss. A month and a half into the job, I'm trying to complain about a coworkers lack of communication. She stops me mid talk and tells me that she and the other two are afraid of me. Overall, it had to do with me being short and my work personality. Which I won't deny, I give off asshole when I work. But it bothers me, my former boss stated she recognized this is just how my personality is. She recognized that I never meant it they way it's perceived, and yet you still perceived it that way?

So I shut down. Close 3 months later. I'm not talking to anyone. I speak when spoken to. I do my job. And I didn't express anger. Yet I'm finding that when I'm fired that this whole time, they still perceived me as angry. Lol

Now again, I have to admit. Was I doing a great job? Yes, just not in the way they wanted me to. Can definitely admit I messed up in a lot of ways, too. But my thing is, I never denied my fuck ups. I clocked in and vanished for 7 hours. Why? Because the morning cook literally left me nothing to do. All I had do was make a salad, heat up a casserole, roast veggies for dinner. 2 prep projects and 1 cleaning project. 10hr shift, and I crammed all that into 3 hours. On top of that, since he's "scared" of me, I'm uncomfortable around him.

So, a coworker snitched on me. Boss came in, and I admitted it! I didn't deny it! And i tried to explain the dynamic and how there's nothing to do, and even if there is, we're working on top of each other so two people don't need to do the same stuff. She couldn't process any of that. We literally went in circles numerous times. It got to the point where she said i have to keep finding something to do. And continuously asked, "Then what?" Repeatedly. Lol

I could list every single context. But ultimately, now I feel like I was doomed after that month and a half. I feel like they gave me a loaded gun and is mad I used it, alwhile I'm acknowledging my actions and faults... but you can't even admit you handed me the fucking gun. White people. Lol

Edit: One thing I hate about the internet is the assumption. You don't know how old I am. You don't know how many jobs I've had. You don't know how long I've lived with this undiagnosis. When i figured it out, how I've been correcting, adjusting, and re adjusting.

The reason why it doesn't seem like I'm taking full responsibility. THAT'S BECAUSE MY BRAIN WON'T ALLOW ME. I fully know where I messed up. I am fully aware of every single mess up, whether in their eyes or just mine. That's my brain. That who I am. I'm fully aware of my damn actions and my baehavior... but i can't accept that I'm 100 percent in the wrong. I have over 15 years of restaurant experience and over 20 years of work experience. People talk to me. People ask me if I have a problem. Bosses have come to me and visibly seen me frustrated, Non communicative, and have said something! I have never worked with a boss that allowed tension in their kitchen! They address it. I'm not gonna drag this on longer.. I'll just say, I've worked in enough places where I know what I feel about how I was treated. How leadership and teamwork are conducted was not typically of my experience, and I didn't react professionally.

Just don't assume, ask questions if possible. Just understand this was going to be a novel if I didn't refrain from all the context.