WIBTAH if I uninvited my disabled sister from my wedding?
TW: violent threats, suic\*de
This is my first post, but it’s going to be an extremely long one. I (30F) am getting married this year. I have 3 sisters ( 24F, 22F and 21F) who I’ve asked to be my bridesmaids. To be honest, I hesitated a lot about asking one of my sisters (Q) as we have a complicated history, but it seemed mean to leave one sister out, so I decided to invite all three. I should note that Q has autism. She did well in school and is able to work a full-time job, but has always had a hard time with social norms, empathizing with others, executive function and regulating her emotions.
Oddly enough, the conflict I’ve struggled with the most with Q happened nearly a decade ago. When Q was about 15 and I was 21, she was experiencing an unhealthy relationship, mental health issues and came to stay with me for a short time. We went to the mall, to the movies and she wanted to go to a youth mental health crisis center, so I took her to one and she spoke with a counsellor privately, which seemed to make her feel a bit better. After she left my house to return home later that day, she left her Facebook logged in on my computer. I recognize that this is an absolutely terrible thing to do and a violation of her trust, but I was young, dumb and worried, so I decided to read some of her Facebook messages. The messages I saw were a bit concerning as they consisted almost entirely of lies. Q claimed to have a variety of medical conditions she does not have, including schizophrenia, amnesia and end stage tuberculosis. She also claimed to be abused at the hands of my mother and forced to cook dinner nightly for our family as well as do all the cleaning and childcare. This was very much not the case- Q would often throw temper fits or flat out refuse when asked to help with any chores and as far as I can recall, my mom has always cooked every meal for the family. Unfortunately, it got far more disturbing the more I read as I then found messages where Q and her boyfriend of the time talked in depth about their deep hatred of both of their families and discussed their plans to murder us. The messages contained graphic details of how our families would be tortured and murdered as punishment because they felt our families wanted to keep them from dating. While I knew the relationship was an unhealthy one, I was shocked and a little scared when I read those messages.
I went into a full blown panic and called my mom and told her what I found. My mom was upset as well, but seemed to be less so than I was. I believe she ended up telling Q she wasn’t allowed to see that boyfriend anymore and grounded her from her cell phone for a day or two. Q was absolutely furious with me for both invading her privacy and telling our mom. She continued a relationship with that boyfriend for another couple of years, before eventually ending it, as far as I know.
Later that night, out of curiosity and fear I (stupidly) read more of Q’s messages. I found a lot of messages about me specifically, where she described having a particular hatred of me, details of the ways she wanted to murder me and said how much happier she’d be if I was dead. I tried to find a reason in the messages for this hatred or any particular event that caused that reaction, but there didn’t really seem to be much of one. She mentioned always hating me since we were children and saying it was unfair that others in the family thought I was a good person. At the time, I was having a particularly rough go struggling with depression and anxiety. Learning how deeply one of my siblings hated me and regularly fantasized about my death was a shock and I went to a very dark place mentally which resulted in a suic\*de attempt. I spent 15 days in the ER and the mental ward of the hospital before I was released.
Because I am dumb, a few months after I was discharged from the hospital, I once again snooped through Q’s messages ( I know, I know- a really stupid choice). I guess I was hoping to find some sort of proof that Q did not actually want me to die after I nearly had. Unfortunately, it was the opposite. Q expressed frustration to her boyfriend that I was still alive and that I didn’t successfully finish the job. They again discussed wanting to murder their families and the plans of how they would do it.
It’s odd because while the events from back then are something that my mom and all of my adult siblings are aware of, it’s not something we ever really acknowledged. My mom has always insisted that the messages I read on Q’s Facebook could not have been genuine, that she must have only been saying them in an attempt to bond with her boyfriend and connect over shared interests. Q and her boyfriend of the time have both been diagnosed with autism, and my mom stated the messages were likely influenced by that as well as Q’s tendency to adapt herself to those around her.
Then, 3 years ago, Q pursued and slept with a man I had briefly dated. I’d stopped seeing this man because I’d found out he was married and Q was aware of this. Q has a history of pursuing married men, which has always made me uncomfortable, but this instance made me particularly uncomfortable. It felt weird that my sister wanted to sleep with someone I’d slept with. My mom encouraged me to forgive her and reminded me that Q had a hard time with social norms because of her autism. I ultimately decided to let it go.
More recently, Q seems to be having a hard time at events where others are the focus of attention. For example, this year she declined to attend the wedding of our younger sister (21), citing that she "had to work". She later told me that she could have easily gotten it off work but chose not to attend because she did not want to.
In another similar instance, last year on my 30th birthday party, my fiancé booked an Airbnb for 2 days for my family to celebrate together. Q claimed she wouldn’t be able to attend because she’d be away on vacation. While she did end up showing up on the second day for the last few hours, it later came out that she was not on vacation, she just didn’t want to attend.
Now onto the issues since I asked Q to be a bridesmaid. From the start, after I became engaged last year, she seemed to be uncomfortable whenever my wedding was brought up. Q would often change the subject to her own accomplishments or her own future wedding, should she become engaged.
She would also regularly complain about aspects of being a bridesmaid, sometimes to me, but most often to other members of the family, such as having to buy a dress, have her hair and makeup done or when my maid of honour asked her to contribute to the cost of my bachelorette party.
I should note that myself and our other adult siblings ( 33, 30, 22,21) have moved out of our mom’s house, pay bills and support ourselves. Q does work, but lives at home and because of this, has significantly less expenses. Nevertheless, Q has always had a bit of a hard time managing her money and over the years I’ve occasionally lent or given her money to help out. Last year, I lent her about 4000$ to pay for a vacation.
While none of the other bridesmaids have had complaints about costs, because of Q’s money troubles and her complaints about wedding costs, I’ve offered to cover costs for her various bridesmaids expenses. At my mom’s request, I’ve also lowered my expectations for Q and haven’t really asked her to help with wedding planning tasks, as she has seemed reluctant and irritated about the idea of assisting.
While Q has had a tendency to lie, since my engagement, I’ve noticed a lot of these lies have shifted to be about me and me being a bad bride/bridezilla. For instance, this week she told our family that I demanded she cancel her vacation plans in order to attend my bachelorette party, which did not happen. In reality, Q stated that she would not be able to attend my bachelorette party on Sunday as she was thinking she might go on vacation and return the Friday prior to the party. She said that if she returned on the Friday, she would want several days to “recover emotionally and financially” and would not want to spend money on the bachelorette party. I didn’t push this issue and told Q that it was her choice whether she wanted to participate or not and that I would respect her decision.
Another main concern I had with a Q as a bridesmaid has been hygiene. Since puberty, Q has struggled to maintain consistent hygiene. She will often show up to school/work/ family events with strong body odour, bad breath as a result of not brushing her teeth for several days and greasy hair. Several other family members have commented on this. As she lives with our mom, when she notices this, my mom will often discreetly ask Q to have a shower, apply deodorant, etc. This typically makes Q very upset and she will insist that she doesn’t need to shower and my mom is just being dramatic, mean or ableist. Several times when I’ve been driving Q somewhere, I’ll notice bad breath and have discreetly offered her a disposable toothbrush/gum.
The major conflict happened recently after my mom mentioned to me in front of my other sister/bridesmaid that she was worried Q’s hygiene would be an issue at my wedding. I told her that I was worried about this as well and my mom said that she would try her best to ensure that Q showered, washed her hair and brushed her teeth before the event. Later that night, my sister mentioned to Q that my mom and I were worried about her hygiene. Q became very embarrassed and angry with me and our mom. Q insisted to our mom that I was just saying that to be mean, that she has not had hygiene issues for a few years and that I must’ve only said that because she has autism and I am being judgmental and ableist.
Yesterday, Q sent me a message saying that she did not want to be a bridesmaid anymore, as she was very hurt and embarrassed when she heard about my concerns about her hygiene and that I wasn’t happy with her behaviour towards the wedding. She stated that I was being unnecessarily mean, treating her unfairly due to her autism and that she had been an excellent bridesmaid but it would never be enough to satisfy me. While I recognize that the situation would be embarrassing and stressful for her, myself and the other bridesmaids feel that based on her actions, Q did not ever want to be a bridesmaid and was "looking for an out".
I have told Q that I accept her decision to no longer be a bridesmaid. However, her message did hurt my feelings and I don’t feel it was an accurate assessment of the situation. But to be honest, I’m a bit relieved now that all my of my bridesmaids will be people who want to participate.
After taking a good hard look at my relationship with Q, our history, her actions and attitude towards the wedding, I’m thinking it might be best to not even invite her to be a wedding guest. She’s caused me a significant amount of stress and I know if she were to attend, I’d spend a great deal of the wedding worried about her, how she’d act at the wedding and potential drama.
Would I be the a\*\*hole if I uninvited my disabled sister from attending my wedding as a guest?