u/FineParticular6799

Right now, I’m afraid of everything. I haven’t welcomed Jesus into my heart; I don’t know how to repent, and the times I thought I had repented were probably just because I was afraid of losing God and worried about the consequences. Right now, I’m afraid of what’s happening in the world. My family and I stopped going to church a long time ago, and when I started reading the Bible and got to the Book of Revelation, I came across what would happen before Jesus returns—the so-called “birth pangs”—and I’m afraid that will happen. I fear for myself and my family, because I know we don’t have God in our lives, and I know that a life with God isn’t easy. Sometimes I start to think and doubt that the Holy Spirit dwells in me, that Jesus dwells in me; I feel like I won’t be able to—really—something tells me I’m not chosen for anything and that I’m in hell, I’m afraid I’m deceiving myself and that when the day comes, I’ll go to hell for all eternity, and what hurts me the most is my family; there’s an enormous fear inside me that I don’t think will ever leave me. Honestly, when I tell you that I’ve tried several times to draw closer to God, but I can’t do it—I don’t feel anything—it’s as if God were ignoring me. I feel like I won’t be able to—really. Many people give themselves to God as if it were nothing, but I can’t; it’s as if I weren’t chosen for anything. I see that it's easy for them, but not for me. There was a time when I thought I was truly following Jesus, but I realized I was fooling myself and was only acting out of fear, and I guess that's what holds me back—the thought that I'm fooling myself

I’m stuck in a problem. I haven’t been to church for years, and during that time, I committed many deliberate and willful sins—to the point where I even put off confessing my sins. For months now, I’ve felt that nothing is the same anymore. When I sin, I don’t feel guilty or anything; I know it’s all because of my sins, and I’m aware of that, but I don’t know what to do. I once tried to return to God but fell into the despair and sadness of the world. A few weeks ago, I watched a video of a pastor who spoke about the unpardonable sin of blasphemy and apostasy. He mentioned that “the issue of apostasy—if someone comes to a full understanding of who Christ is and then rejects Him— there is no possibility of repentance in that state—an idea connected to passages in Hebrews and other biblical exhortations that warn against losing the opportunity for salvation after having received the truth.” He mentioned that this happens because of deliberate and voluntary sin—this really troubles me. Now I’m asking myself if I can still truly ask God for forgiveness, because I feel like I can’t. Yes, I can say, “God, forgive me for these sins,” but there’s something deep inside me that tells me, “You’re lying; you don’t really mean it,” and my repentance feels superficial. That’s why sometimes I don’t know if God has forgiven me; I’m afraid of deceiving myself into believing I’m right with God when I’m not. So, what do I do? I feel like I can’t repent, and that distresses me a little. I don’t know what to think. I want to draw closer to God, but I don’t know if I’m chosen or not. I don’t know if I’m doing it right, and I don’t want to fall into depression—nor do I want to deceive myself. I feel desperate because I don't know what to do. Even more so when I sin and don't feel any remorse.

I was in a reflective mood, thinking about Judas and Jesus, and how Judas never repented. Then I reached a point where I felt that God couldn’t forgive me—I mean, I went to confession and everything, but I didn’t feel forgiven; I couldn’t believe in forgiveness. And then, much later, I felt as if I were rejecting Jesus by believing that He couldn’t forgive me (I know He forgives, but I didn’t feel forgiven, and it was hard for me to believe I could be forgiven)—that’s what distressed me, because I don’t want to reject Him; I’m afraid of that. I love Jesus; I just need to convince myself that God has forgiven me. I pray from the bottom of my heart that I haven’t rejected Jesus and that I haven’t committed an unforgivable sin.