Feel Hopeless and Confused
Is it gaslighting or is my version of events always remembered incorrectly? Am I the problem?I don’t know what’s what anymore. Today, my spouse and I went on a walk and he brought up separation. After having an entire conversation about what that would look like in practice, (including him telling me that separation would look like his life which is (paraphrasing ) already perfect, just would be better without me in it,
or if I were in it with the me who changed to fit exactly into what he imagines his ideal life should be…
When I asked him how long he has been thinking about separation he said turned the tables suddenly and said he hasn’t, and said I had been the one to bring it up and recounted the conversation entirely differently to fit this narrative. That was not true- he brought it up and I was surprised he had brought it up as he’s the one who is always “wanting to work things out” when I’ve brought it up before (his negative behavior when I do start trying to make the changes he wants, actually says otherwise)… I had stayed calm through most of the upsetting things he was saying about me, but the gaslighting by twisting the conversation and denying what was actually said, is a huge PTSD trigger for me. He knows it’s a huge trigger for me. I told him I was being gaslit and brought up another instance of his previous gaslighting and he said ‘there she is’. In the past, he has said upsetting things and then when I do get upset he will start trying to secretly record me…
It’s not just little things… Our (very much loved) child’s origin story was I told him I was ovulating and please don’t ‘try’ because despite previously having expressed wanting a child, I was in the middle of a masters program and did not want to become pregnant. He did anyway. And I became pregnant despite voicing to him that night that I didn’t want him to and the timing was not right. When I bring it up, he denies I told him I didn’t want him to do it, and justifies it by saying I had been saying I wanted to have a baby for so long (at this point we had been married 7+ years).
Early on, we were engaged and living in two different countries. When I got to the states, I found on his phone that he had texted a female in his friend group after a night out saying ‘please don’t leave! Stay over. I’ll make you breakfast in the morning’. Naturally, I flipped out. When I confronted him, he took his phone, deleted the messages and acted like I was crazy and making things up. Even if he didn’t have any negative intentions, that response was very problematic…
Infidelity last year I was certain of, but now I’m not sure did or didn’t happen because the evidence disappeared.
There are other things he does too, but I don’t know if they’re abusive so much as him only seeing what fits his narrative . If I clean or tidy up, I have to take photos of it because he will minimize it or flat out say it didn’t happen. If I’m doing dishes, he from another room will yell out about how I should do them…
He will repeat things that are untrue to justify why he loses his temper over tiny things. And if I push back he just keeps going and escalates me…
And when I get triggered by his behavior or his lies, he makes it seem like I am the crazy one (I DO get very dysregulated while he gets uncannily calm. He uses that in his favor.)
The truth is, things have been very difficult for a while now, for a decade. I came to the relationship with adhd, and severe trauma… I got into a relationship with my spouse 14 years ago after leaving an unbelievably sadistic and physically/psychologically/emotionally abusive relationship (my first relationship) that left me shattered. I think I only made it through that aftermath of that because of my spouse. The relationship with him was a dream in comparison. He seemed to be a good guy- creative, quirky, talented , funny, responsible, safe… and we had so many adventures together. He has many traits I admire. We got married a decade ago… and my mental health and self-efficacy has been declining ever since… I moved to his home country (we met in another country) and had trouble adjusting. He was also very different in his home country than the country we dated in, and began treating me like a burden- with irritation, condescension, criticism. I went from being outgoing,independent and self-assured to dependent, questioning every decision I made and unconfident. Since most of the decisions I made were the wrong one or he knew better, I increasingly deferred to him. I am not perfect. Far from it. Textbook ADHD/C-PTSD and other health diagnoses (I’ll spare you the list). I am emotionally reactive, often stuck in despair and hopelessness and freeze. Recently, I was in a pretty objectively toxic/hostile work environment too and had a pretty severe restrictive eating disorder relapse I’ve only just made headway with /severe insomnia where I would go days without sleep and that’s been better recently . So for the past few months I’ve been more vulnerable than ever for many reasons, and couples therapy has felt very very focused on MY shortcomings and has felt like the entire focus is fixing me. The therapist was also quite inexperienced with couples work, and sometimes behaved in ways that were unprofessional (calling an observation I’d made ‘crazy’ and ‘insane’ for example), and often escalating to ‘so why are you staying in this marriage? Or you need to spend time apart). She was being supervised by his personal therapist… and the bias showed…
His abrupt, abrasive, condescending and belittling communication style is something he has only begun to acknowledge now in the past few days, and only because I was able to stay calm somehow when he escalated to an aggressive tone over little things. So the focus could stay on his behavior. And yes, when highly triggered I will say things are hurtful and I don’t excuse my reactivity, but I increasingly feel like the crazy making /gaslighting behavior is so he can maintain control and distract from behavior he wants to hide…
Whenever I express anger or irritability he says ‘wow you’re irritable today huh, do you take your meds?’, and thinks I should be on medication and that will solve everything…
For the record today he talked about how when he met me I was optimistic, happy, had many interests, and friends… and how even if I did ‘blow up’ ( about things many girls would blow up about,mind you) I apologized right away which was unusual from previous girlfriends…
What changed was partly a decade with someone who often criticized, second guessed and condescended me, while telling me I was the problem and needing to change, while being ‘more loving, caring and supportive than any other husband ’.
And… maybe he’s right and I am the problem? He is a responsible, reliable dad who has taken a LOT as I’ve somehow taken on less and less and felt less able to engage in life with him…
And I’m always asking my therapists, I’m always asking myself maybe it really is me…
I’m confused about why he doesn’t want to get divorced then if his life is so much better without me as he likes to let me know. He says it’s because he loves me so much, but I think his primary concerns are financial and custody reasons.