Rejection regret and reconsideration
**I rejected a good marriage proposal and now I strongly regret it — should I try to reopen it or is this just rejection regret?**
Salam everyone. I really need some outside perspective because I can’t tell whether I’ve genuinely realised I want this person or whether I’m experiencing regret because the door has now closed.
I’m 22F and recently received a marriage proposal from a 30M. Our families were involved from the beginning and everything was done seriously with the intention of marriage.
On paper, there really wasn’t anything wrong with him. He’s educated, doing very well academically/career-wise (currently at Oxford), seems responsible, comes from a good family, and from the conversations we had, our values and expectations seemed compatible. His family came to meet us and things progressed to the point where they wanted to give me a ring.
My main hesitation was physical attraction. I didn’t find him particularly attractive, and the 8-year age difference also made me uncertain. There wasn’t anything specific wrong with his personality or character that made me reject him.
Another part of the proposal that appealed to me was that I would move to the UK after marriage and we would live independently together. I really want an independent married life, so I’m trying to be brutally honest with myself about whether I miss *him* or the future/lifestyle that came with marrying him.
Eventually my parents decided not to proceed and communicated that to his family.
At first I accepted it and thought it was probably for the best. But after some time passed, I’ve suddenly developed an extremely strong feeling that I made the wrong decision. I’ve been thinking about him constantly and genuinely wanting the proposal back.
I’ve also reconsidered how much weight I gave physical attraction. Looks are temporary and attraction can potentially grow through love, character and emotional connection. When I think about the qualities that actually matter to me in a husband long-term, I feel like I may have let a good potential go over something that wasn’t as important
to me as I initially thought.
I’ve prayed istikhara as well, which makes me even more confused. I don’t know whether this strong change in inclination means anything or whether I’m incorrectly interpreting normal regret/anxiety as a result of istikhara.
His family has become distant since the rejection. My mum has messaged his mum and the messages delivered, but she hasn’t opened/responded to them. I’m considering calling his sister, explaining that the rejection wasn’t as simple as me personally not wanting him, and telling her that after having time to properly reflect, I genuinely would like to reconsider things if he is still interested.
I also don’t even know how strongly *he* liked me. Obviously he was willing to proceed with the marriage, but we didn’t know each other for very long. I’m worried he may have been hurt by the rejection, may no longer want me, or may simply have moved on.
At the same time, I recognise that I still don’t know him deeply. If things reopen, I would want to ask more serious questions about his past, emotional availability, previous relationships/attachments, expectations after marriage, etc., rather than blindly saying yes because I’m scared of losing him again.
So I need objective advice, especially from people who have been through arranged marriage/proposals:
**Does this sound like genuine realisation or “rejection regret” because he is no longer available?**
**If you rejected someone and later genuinely changed your mind, would you try once to reopen the proposal?**
**Would calling his sister be inappropriate/desperate, or is one respectful attempt reasonable?**
**For people who weren’t initially very physically attracted to their spouse but everything else was good — did attraction grow after marriage?**
And Islamically, how should I understand my sudden change in feelings after istikhara without treating my emotions as some definite “sign”?
Please be honest even if you think I should leave him alone. I don’t want reassurance — I want to make the right decision.