u/Fineshrines2

TW self harm + other self destructive behaviours

I’ve been seeing my therapist for 6+ years. We have a good relationship but it’s completely professional. I haven’t had any issues with her before today.

For context I’m currently no contact with my mum. She was very aggressive but never physically violent. She was mean with words and drank a lot. She had a lot of abuse growing up. I have PMDD and I told my therapist at the beginning of the session I was experiencing symptoms of that. I have done 2 rounds of DBT with this therapist and dabbled a bit in schema therapy.

I started talking about an issue I’m having with a friend and that I was afraid of having a confrontation with. She got up and stood next to the whiteboard and told me she had done an EMDR course on the weekend. I said I know about it, it’s that thing with the eye movements and lights. That’s it.

We talked a little bit about how I was feeling confronting my friend and then she asked me to think of a painful memory from childhood regarding my mum. It wasn’t a horrific memory but enough to make me cry quite a bit. We went into detail with it and she asked me how I would’ve felt then and to assign it a colour and a shape. Then she sat close to me and asked me to follow her fingers and she started tapping. She asked the same questions again and asked me to name the colour and shape I was feeling again. Then to think of a safe space . Then to think of the colour and shape again. She was about to start tapping again and I interrupted her and said a lighter shade and a smaller shape. It was partly true and party because I didn’t want to do this exercise anymore. I wasn’t expecting it. She never said were going to do it only that she had done a course on the weekend. It took up most of the session but she made time at the end to shift the conversation to something more lighthearted for a few mins. She asked if the session helped I said yes thanks. Think of when you receive a bad haircut and the hairdresser asks if you like it and you say yes. I felt like that.

I didn’t expect myself to react so much when I got home. In fact when I left her office I walked out crying. I don’t know if it was because I was focused on a sad memory or because I was just thrown off from what happened but also pmdd? I swear I’ve spoken and thought about sadder times during Schema or speaking about it with friends and I didn’t have this feeling after though.

That evening I had an extremely strong urge to hurt myself which I haven’t done in 4+ years. I used to drink to deal with problems and it was a really strong urge to do that too. I’ve recently quit smoking. I didn’t buy a pack but now I’m wishing I did as I my watch says I only slept for 57 mins all night as I was I just craving a smoke or to hurt myself soooo bad. I had work the next day and plans after, I canceled the plans and left work early. It adds to my frustration as I was looking forward to the plans so much and needed the money but I can’t do it on less than an hour of sleep.

I really ruminated on the fact that I did I guess you’d call it a casual kind of EMDR with no warning or no explanation of how it works or what it entails. Please tell me if I’m overreacting because I never told no or stop but I feel really uneasy and gross about it. I have BPD and felt so angry at her about the session. I can’t tell if I was so distressed all night because of that or because of the memory.

I’d really like to know if I have the right to be upset or if I’m overreacting. I genuinely can’t tell because I’ve never had an issue with her before, she’s honestly been perfect. I just feel kinda humiliated about the whole thing to the point I’m embarrassed to tell my close friends about it.

Please, I’d really love any opinions or how you’d feel in this situation as I’m so confused and can feel myself obsessing over it.

TW for self harm + other destructive behaviours

I’ve been seeing my therapist for 6+ years. We have a good relationship but it’s completely professional. I haven’t had any issues with her before today.

For context I’m currently no contact with my mum. She was very aggressive but never physically violent. She was mean with words and drank a lot. She had a lot of abuse growing up. I have PMDD and I told my therapist at the beginning of the session I was experiencing symptoms of that. I have done 2 rounds of DBT with this therapist and dabbled a bit in schema therapy too.

I started talking about an issue I’m having with a friend and that I was afraid of having a confrontation with. She got up and stood next to the whiteboard and told me she had done an EMDR course on the weekend. I said I know about it, it’s that thing with the eye movements and lights. That’s it.

We talked a little bit about how I was feeling confronting my friend and then she asked me to think of a painful memory from childhood regarding my mum. It wasn’t a horrific memory but enough to make me cry quite a bit. We went into detail with it and she asked me how I would’ve felt then and to assign it a colour and a shape. Then she sat close to me and asked me to follow her fingers and she started tapping. She asked the same questions again and asked me to name the colour and shape I was feeling again. Then to think of a safe space . Then to think of the colour and shape again. She was about to start tapping again and I interrupted her and said a lighter shade and a smaller shape. It was partly true and party because I didn’t want to do this exercise anymore. I wasn’t expecting it. She never said were going to do it only that she had done a course on the weekend. It took up most of the session but she made time at the end to shift the conversation to something more lighthearted for a few mins. She asked if the session helped I said yes thanks. Think of when you receive a bad haircut and the hairdresser asks if you like it and you say yes. I felt like that.

I didn’t expect myself to react so much when I got home. In fact when I left her office I walked out crying. I don’t know if it was because I was focused on a sad memory or because I was just thrown off from what happened but also pmdd? I swear I’ve spoken and thought about sadder times during Schema or speaking about it with friends and I didn’t have this feeling after though.

That evening I had an extremely strong urge to hurt myself which I haven’t done in 4+ years. I used to drink to deal with problems and it was a really strong urge to do that too. I’ve recently quit smoking. I didn’t buy a pack but now I’m wishing I did as I my watch says I only slept for 57 mins all night as I was I just craving a smoke or to hurt myself soooo bad. I had work the next day and plans after, I canceled the plans and left work early. It adds to my frustration as I was looking forward to the plans so much and needed the money but I can’t do it on less than an hour of sleep.

I really ruminated on the fact that I did I guess you’d call it a casual kind of EMDR with no warning or no explanation of how it works or what it entails. Please tell me if I’m overreacting because I never told no or stop but I feel really uneasy and gross about it. I have BPD and felt so angry at her about the session. I can’t tell if I was so distressed all night because of that or because of the memory.

I’d really like to know if I have the right to be upset or if I’m overreacting. I genuinely can’t tell because I’ve never had an issue with her before, she’s honestly been perfect. I just feel kinda humiliated about the whole thing to the point I’m embarrassed to tell my close friends about it.

Please, I’d really love any opinions or how you’d feel in this situation as I’m so confused and can feel myself obsessing over it.